Murfreesboro Can't Sign Shermania

**BREAKING**

Vince Shermania, internationally renowned gospel artist and No. 2 draft pick of the Murfreesboro Bandits, has been released from his obligation to the team after several tense negotiations went nowhere.

"They were offering 4 kumquats, and I was firm with my demand of 7 diapers."

Shermania, widely referred to as "The Stapler Assassin," becomes a free agent, effective immediately. Expect many teams to be interested in Shermania, specifically the Anchorage Beluga, desperately in need of a young SS to replace aging fan-favorite, Berek Feter.

No details have been released at this time, but it is believed that after negotiations stalled, Shermania started screaming hysterically and murdered Murfreesboro GM Jed Sanchules. Shermania's current whereabouts are unknown, but any tips should be directed to Sergeant Gary Shubkin, Capolo Township PD.

- Trent

Shermania/Mejito Need Softball Team

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Shermania Onboard

Sherman Shermania has been brought onboard as Staff Jump Rope, effective immediately (pending semen samples).

Shermania


Sherman, who has all four limbs, also appears to be growing additional red stick-hands out of his face. When questioned about this, Shermania seemed ignorant.

"What are you talking about? I'm the best looking piece of meat you have ever seen, and I have 14 secret appendages in places you will never discover. Unless I remove my pants, then you'll be able to see them and they won't be secret anymore. "

Bio

Name: Sherman Shermontavious Shermania
DOB: 4/11/1905
Sex: N/A
Height: No
Weight: 15 lbs.
Marital Status: No
Partner: Harvey Golfspeed (1967-Present)
Experience: Fetus Burger, 1645-1946, Golf Carts 'R' Us, 1988
Comments: Loves placenta soup, rashes; hates short toenails, cursive

Please join us in murdering Sherman Shermania as quickly as possible.

Staff Correspondent Oogee Wosp