Hey Jerk Hockey Series: 1994 New York Rangers v. Hey Jerk

Its the "matchup of the millenium," according to Gary GaHorry, commissioner of the Hey Jerk Athletic Foundation.

"Two elite squads that everyone has wanted to see go at it for years are finally getting the chance. Winner takes the universe."

The Teams

1994 New York Rangers

D - Brian Leetch
D - Sergei Zubov
LW - Adam Graves
RW - Steve Larmer
C - Mark Messier
G - Mike Richter

Hey Jerk Owls

D - Morris Aschermann
D - Bob Feathers
LW - Almond Butterfield
RW - Capolo Henderson
C - Vacant
G - Yo Bah

The Games

Game 1 at Madison Square Garden
The Owls are not prepared for what is an extremely hostile New York environment, and come out nervous and flat. Brian Leetch skates through the entire Owl squad 15 times in the opening period, and no one on the ice for either team other than Leetch touches the puck until the 7:14 mark of period 2 when Yo Bah makes an accidental save when Leetch shoots the puck directly into his glove. Rangers take a 24-0 lead into the third and decide to pull Richter. Bob Feathers trys to take advantage of the empty net, but instead is murdered after a hip-check from Zubov puts him through the glass and a shard pierces his heart. Rangers cruise to 47-0 victory.

Game 2 at Madison Square Garden
The Owls show up with only 3 players and a goalie, with Feathers deceased and no one at center. Coach Oscar Rainbow attempts to revitalize his squad by showing up behind the bench naked, but seems to have the opposite effect as his players refuse to ever come back to the bench. Due to exhaustion, the Owls forfeit the game mid way through the second stanza, down 72-0.

Game 3 at Hey Jerk Amphitheatre
The Rangers arrive late, assuming the Owls would not show up. They are penalized 10 goals, and begin the second period down 10-0. Within 43 seconds, Messier and Graves score 11 to take an 11-10 lead. Richter decides to vacate the net and play the "offensive goaltender" position, scoring on 4 consecutive slapshots from mid ice. Coach Rainbow has seen enough and runs onto the ice tackling Richter with no pants on, screaming something about the economy. Rainbow is quickly removed by Steve Larmer and decapitated, having his head thrown into the crowd. The coachless Owls lose 114-10.

Game 4 at Hey Jerk Amphitheatre
Yo Bah, goalie for the Owls, decides to go to KFC, meaning the Owls start the game with three skaters and no goalie. The Rangers, looking for a challenge, grant a 50-0 lead to the Owls to start the game. Morris Aschermann takes offense to this slight and doodies on center ice, causing a 45 minute clean up delay. Almond Butterfield, after the delay, attempts to take the game into his own hands, but instead scores on his own goal and then removes his shorts and takes his own life with his stick. Aschermann and Henderson, the only remaining Owl skaters, decide enough is enough and join the Rangers for the remainder of the game. The Owls, with no skaters left, lose the game 412-50.

Sources: Gwinnett Press, 2011