June 12, 2019

"Durly!"

- first edition, Derner Times, June 12, 2019


BOULDER, Co. - The Durly Experience, sponsored by Crugg Dish Soap, continues despite protests outside mayor kiwi's house.

The armless Helmut Durly, who last was seen starring in the reality TV show Doughnut Shop Drive-Thru, has been brought on as an intern at the site. Durly's responsibilities will include Dennis locator (Southwest United States) and apple core eulogy director. He's the 90th Durly to be given a job, helping the family break the Lump family record of 89 set in the late-1870s.











"It's an honor, it really, really is," said Durly, while washing his 1997 Camaro with apple sauce.

Helmut's father-in-law, Darren, declined comment, though he did throw a bag of onions in the Pacific Ocean, then retrieve the bag while wearing a giraffe costume, a family tradition for centuries.

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