Jerk Makes Influential Hire

A new era has begun at the Jerk as a Staff Wayne Tolleson has finally been hired. Warren Lump, who on more than one occasion has been mistaken for a giant piece of chewed bubblegum with neckarms, was hired Sunday afternoon. Lump, who arrived from the planet Mushroom with "homicidal thoughts" (Zellichtown Register, 9/27/11) recently found "God", a graham cracker underneath Boris Wilson's living room couch, and has devoted his life to peace and understanding. And taco shell ear muffs.

Lump also ate a mouse in 1988, which single-handily helped Norway to gold in the Olympic games. He is reportedly at odds with several staff members, including Charles Frozengard and staff editor Oscar Rainbow.

Balboni Returns

Staff Steve Balboni Steve Balboni, last seen in early May falling off the roof of HQ, wandered back to HQ this morning, completely naked.

Balboni



Balboni, known around HQ for his monsterous doodies and missing underwear, was not welcomed back into HQ. Instead, he was thrown into the dungeon with Chuck Frozengard, who escaped assassination this AM when he flung fecal at the guardsmen, permanently blinding him.

Balboni and Christensen have since fornicated, resulting in a Frozengard pregnancy. Please check back in the coming days for updates on the coming child.

- Staff Balboni man Warren Lump

Frozengard Finds Way Through Woods, Back to HQ

Frozengard has been spotted.

"He's back."

That was what Staff President Rodney Glenn had to say after hearing of the arrival. Frozengard, according to associated press reports, has apparently been undercover in Chile attempting to hunt down the famous Acorn Murderer. He was unsuccessful, however, and returned to HQ while attempting to pick his nose.

Frozengard



Frozengard will not be hired, but instead will be assassinated at first light tomorrow. He is currently locked in HJ dungeon.

- Staff Frozengard Man Bilbo Binkley

Zax Dead

Troubled ex-giraffe Grongo Zax has passed on to Grongoland, according to a photograph of a woman named Samantha. Zax wandered into Piso Forest early Tuesday morning and declared war on an oak tree, then, like so many Zax before him, removed his dungarees and defeated himself in a grass-eating contest.

[Final contest totals:

Zax 336 blades
Zax 319 blades
Chipmunk DQ]

The 42-year old, who could wave to a pigeon in his sleep, is survived by a paper cup of sawdust. Funeral services were never scheduled due to lack of Sal Delmonico.

Fempot Hired

Rhinoceros Fempot, cousin of Gary Fempot and Hector Fempot, son of Leo Fempot, grandson of Gary Fempot Sr. , brother of Gregory Fempot and uncle of Lil' Louie Fempot, has been hired as Staff Melvin.

Rhinoceros Fempot



Upon hearing of his hire, Rhinoceros defecated on Oscar Rainbow's doorstep and ran into the woods, screaming.

Please join us in welcoming Fempot to the staff.

- Staff Fempot Man Arnold Schwarzenegger

New Cast List Announced

The cast list has been announced for the upcoming sequel Throw Momma From The Train II: Owen's Revenge


Owen Lift as himself
Capolo Yolandis Henderson as Larry Donner
Aunt Estelle Pederbury as the ghost of Momma Lift
Francene Calhoun as Grandma Lift
Willy Petunia as Mr. Pinsky
Art Bryson as the singing hedge trimmer of wisdom
Eddie Xomcheese as evil Owen
Baniqua Gerald as Beth
Denise Fawkturn as Mrs. Hazeltine
Ronald Pueblo as the train

Also:

Assistant to Mr. Lift: Malik Ruso
Talking lettuce stunt double: Bob Feathers Jr.


In theaters November 3!

Friday Portrait: Owen Lift

John Lackey Book Names

"The Ugliest Man to Ever Play the Sport of Baseball: The John Lackey Story"

"You have cancer? Lets get a divorce! The John Lackey Story"

"Carl Stinks Worse Than I Do! The John Lackey Story"

"Wait - We Didn't Win The World Series? The John Lackey Story"

"My Left Cleat Stinks - The John Lackey Story"

"Someone Misplaced My Underwear Again and I Have To Play With No Undies - The John Lackey Story"

"AJ Burnett Won The Cy Young, Right? The John Lackey Story"

"Glenn's Murder Fiends" Spot Oberman

"Glenn's Murder Fiends" - the group formed by Staff President Rodney Glenn Minkus to locate the fugitive known as Ross Oberman - caught a brief glimpse of the man himself before he unfortunately escaped into the woods. The photo was taken near a Little Caesers (where Oberman apparently frequents) in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Oberman


If you have any information on the whereabouts of Ross Oberman, please call 1-800-DIE-ROSS.

Lundquist Finally Brought On Board

The suffering of an entire nation is finally over as Jerk management has announced the hiring of Verne Lundquist as Staff Lundquist. Verne, who recently starred in the off-broadway play Me and Verne Lundquist, was selected over hundreds of Lundquists, including Mitch Lundquist and Lundquist The Clown.

Verne will occupy office #210, which recently was the hideout for an army of killer sandpaper. (Source: Sandpaper Times)

Werner Peepants: Never Had a Shot

Werner "Tinkle" Peepants came to this planet with the hopes of life without boundaries. He had grown up on the war-ridden Smello, the second moon of the super-planet Vremoth. Like all Smellonians, Peepants dreamed of making it in life. He just wanted a shot at things. A long time pants pee-er, Werner thought he had an advantage over all of the other inhabitants of Smello. He thought his rare combination of skill and attractiveness could land him a gig on Earth, specifically at the international famous blog HJGOML.

Unfortunately for Peepants, he was dead wrong.

Werner Peepants (Deceased)


Werner finally made it to Jerk HQ early Tuesday morning, and was greeted by Staff Dead Person Chung Fonway. Peepants began to speak.

"Hi, Im Werner Peepants from the planet Smel..."

Fonway had heard enough. He immediately pulled out his machete and decapitated Ol' Peepants, ending his existence. The man had traveled across the stars for a shot at life, only to meet his demise at the doorstep of his dreams. Peepants remains will be left at the doorstep until they decay and eventually become part of the Earth.

Movie scripts are already being written to chronicle the story of Werner "Tinkle" Peepants. Some of the names being floated around right now are:

• Werner Peepants: The Man, The Pee, The Pants
• Peepants is DEAD, Move On With Your Lives, Please
• The Planet Smello and it's President, Werner Peepants: A Biopic of a Smellonian's Mission to Gain Freedom
• A Cricket Match with Werner Peepants: How to Win at Cricket Within 30 Days or Your Money Back
• Werner Made Peepee But a Little Doo Came Out

Look for one of these exciting movies to be released soon at a theater near you.

Chickenman Hired

In a stunning turn of events, The Jerk has recently begun hiring mutants. A steady reader may say "but what about all those other hires... aren't they mutants too?" The answer? "No. Don't be an idiot."

The Jerk's inaugural mutant hire comes in the form of Chorlin Chickenman. While his duties have not been completely defined yet, he will be in charge of individual staff wake up calls. The culmination of his interview was when he stripped naked and darted through the halls of The Jerk headquarters yelling "Cock-a-doodle-doooooooooo!" leaving mottled feathers in his wake.

While Chorlin is not yet a father, he has been sitting on the same hard-boiled egg (no relation to Rodney the soft-boiled egg) for 4 years in hopes of bringing forth a Chorlin, Jr. And we just know he'll be successful! We don't have the heart to tell him otherwise...

Next time you're visiting The Jerk headquarters, stop by Chorlin's roost and welcome him to the family. Be prepared to be challenged to a game of NES Duckhunt though - he's the champion in Singapore.

Balfallo Hired

Constantine Balfallo has been hired as Staff Ankle. Balfallo was selected amongst a number of viable candidates, including that guy over there and a postage stamp named Marty.

Body biography

* Hockey goalie sticks for legs
* Anvil head


- Correspondent Nenick Berkhaulter

Dr. Crugg: DEAD!

To all of the Crugg supporters out there: ITS OVER!



Cause of Death: Gary GaHorry.

Oberman On Run, Releases Photo of New Look

Ross Oberman, on the run and believed to be located somewhere on Earth, for some reason decided to release a photo to the press revealing his new appearance. This would seem to be counterproductive to most, as people on the run generally keep their disguises to themselves.

Oberman


Police Chief Flavence Smoomp said that several observations can be made based on the new photo.

"First of all, it appears as if Mr. Oberman has gained 50-100 lbs. His diet clearly consists of candy bars and corn on the cob. Secondly, Oberman has obviously joined a Co-Ed softball team based on his new footwear. Third, we believe that Oberman is most likely armed and dangerous, based on the fact that he has no arms. We believe this photo proves that Oberman will most likely issue another threat in the near future, possibly aimed toward the inhabitants of Pluto."

- Staff Oberman Man Gary Oberman

BREAKING: Glenn Returns!

Rodney "Fat Neck" Glenn is back.

Glenn, who died 7 months ago in a peanut explosion, has risen from the dead.

Glenn


While it is unknown how Glenn rose from the Gary, many believe it was an act of a superior power.

"The Jerk has fallen into disarray without Glenn's leadership," said Staff Foot Footmond Junes, "and President Glenn is back just in time to change things. First things first - take care of this Oberman guy."

Glenn, who speaks Chinese, did not offer any statement upon his return to HQ. He simply walked straight to his old office, threw current inhabitant Elephant Rainbow out the window (deceased), and started his daily routine of singing "Baby got back" before getting down to business.

Please welcome President Glenn back to the Jerk!