J. Scott Cut From Coolies

J. Scott, who was expected to play first base and bat sixth or not at all for the Hey Jerk Coolies, has been cut, according to manager Pupu Quimm.

Scott, who hit .093 for the 2011 Coolies and also owns four short-sleeve dress shirts, was seen outside Coolie Park insulting a water fountain when Quimm broke the news.

To fill the roster spot, general manager Glenn M. has announced the team has purchased the contract of Malik Ruuso from the Independent Horace League. Ruuso was the league's coughing champion in 2006 and 2007, and during the league's 2010 all-star weekend drank an entire bottle of shampoo to win the skills challenge.

Donnie Walsh: New Coolie GM

Coolie owner Stefan Kristensen has decided the squadron needed a new direction. Early Friday morning, he fired ex-GM Hector Winfield and hired on Donald Walsh, who leaves his post as New York Knicks GM to take on a "new challenge." Walsh will be compensated with 4 Kork Ashirmin bobble heads per year.

Walsh


Walsh offered a statement through his dead person interpreter, Edwin Edwinnio:

"I plan on offing half the squad within a weeks time. That's all for now."

The Coolies will have to deal with this shocking news while preparing for today's game against the Portland Yetis.

- Beat Writer Juan DelCoolie

Hey Jerk Coolies v. Portland, 1:05 EST: Lineup Announced

1) Kork Ashirmin LF
2) Michaela C
3) Pat Zinn 3B/SS
4) Pat Zinn SS/3B
5) Alfredo Sanchules DH
6) J. Scott 1B
7) N/A
8) N/A
9) Greg RF

17) Kork Ashirmin 2B

Manager: Pupu Quimm

Coolie Beat Writer Juan DelCoolie: "Why is Pat Zinn batting third and fourth, coach?"

Coach Pupu Quimm: "It had to be that way."