Lazlo Found

Jo he Jo - Startling news out of the rubber ear valley as Otis Lazlo was found living in an oak tree. The Lazlo family, which earned a sizable fortune in the 1960s by inventing the talking bath tub, had believed to be extinct after siblings Vince and Samantha Lazlo passed away from caterpillar overdose in 2002 and Constance Lazlo fell out of a moving van and was later eaten by a crow in 2004.

But Saturday's finding leaves scientist, tangerine, wondering whether other Lazlos could be lurking in other areas of the world, perhaps even over there somewhere.

In other news, Perry Paulsen purchased a new toothbrush.

Crugg Hired as Staff Crugg, Hopes to Avoid Death

The exhaustive search for the newest Hey Jerk staff member has ended. Aaron Crugg was named Staff Crugg in a press conference held in his underwear, Thursday afternoon. Crugg, the son of former disgraced staff doctor Warren C. Crugg, recently held a similar post at the controversial blog www.thingsincruggsear.com.

"I'm here to avenge my father's untimely dismissal and apparent caterpillar overdose-death," said Crugg, who was wearing blue polka dot briefs with little canaries on the left buttocks. "I'm going to bring honor and chili back to the Crugg name. And, hopefully, I won't be gunned down in cold blood before I can complete my first day on the job."

Crugg said he has hired additional bodyguards to protect him from the unidentified assassins that have plagued the Hey Jerk headquarters since the blog's inception in November, 2009.