BREAKING: Staff Editor Rainbow Missing

In shocking news, it is being reported that at this hour, blog co-founder and editor Oscar Rainbow has gone missing.

Rainbow


Last seen eating a grapefruit in the 5th floor urinal closet, Rainbow is believed to have fled the premises shortly after 10 AM this morning as security cameras spotted a "short man in a pumpkin helmet" running from the rear entryway, screaming. Pants were not believed to be involved.

More coming as we get it here at The Jerk.

- W. Chotchke

Finally, Fireman Hired

Gromp Phui, known for his sexual exploits with Bagels and deceased Bagel corpses, has been hired on as Staff Fireman - a position that has been long needed but never filled here at The Jerk.

Phui



Mr. Phui comes from a long line of Phuis, including Bregbo and Charles.

Gromp Phui Bio

Name: Grompton Frank Phui IV
DOB: 4
Sex: Male
Gay: Yes
Pants: N/A
Occupation: Toe Nail Porn ('56-'67), Zaxbys ('94-'94), Unemployment
Family: Helicopter Fimply (Divorced), Elephant Rainbow (Divorced), Oz Seckinway (Deceased)
Other: Wanted in Wisconsin for railroad spike theft and subsequent murder via railroad spike; likes skydiving, water polo

Please join us in welcoming Gromp to our staff.

- Staff Correspondent Woody Chotchke

Glenn Put On Probation

Pip Glenn, son and co-assistant to staff leader Fat Neck Glenn, has been put on probation effective as soon as the results from a nostril depth test are returned to headquarters. The probation will not affect Glenn's role in the recently-released film Glenn Under Siege: The Shmoof Lintardo Mutiny Story, and he'll remain as driver/celery man on the Glennwagon.

Happy New Year from Hey Jerk

Cast Announced for Upcoming Independent Film

Salami Sandwich 2: Lost in the Deli



Starring:

Rodney Glenn as the Lettuce of Wisdom
Len Rainbow as Professor Izz
Elgin Pepano as Pastor Ivan Qwane of Holy Jesus! church
Junior A. Sherman as salami historian
Popsicle Gary as himself
Kip Kipperton as Capolo Henderson
Paul Paulfield III. as Bologna Boy
Ernie as the Singing Pumpernickel
Randy Mejito as Captain Ben Bolio
Grombo-9 as Pastrami Helmet Salesman/fisherman 3


In theatres February 5, 2011!

Breaking Exclusive: o7 Comeback Tour Announced

o7, previously killed in a blimp accident, is back, and they are "as mediocre as before."

o7 Press Release Photo


Left to Right - Chung Fonway - Vocals and Doo Guitar, Bip Bipperd - Bass, Nermin - Percussion and backup vocals

Chung Fonway had a recent stint as Staff Dead Person/Loser, but was quickly re-killed after his hire. In amazing fashion, however, he's back again - and ready to make music that will please four people.

"I'm back, and no one will kill me this time. I guarantee it," said Fonway.

As far as Mr. Bipperd, it is not known if he is actually alive, or if it is the ghost of Bipperd that is performing with o7. No matter, says the band's bassist. "Alive or dead, I really know how to slap the bass. And i'll perform other actions as well, such as grooming testicle hair on staff."

Nermin is a bird.

Look for o7 to announce their first comeback tour date somewhere in the near future. It figures to be in late January.

- Staff Correspondent Wolt Fremp

New Film Announced

"The Fetus Returns: Apocalypse in San Juan"

Hitting theaters near you in February '12.

Cast

Chuck Frozengard as the Platypus Priest
Oscar Rainbow as the evil King Baboon
Flooesa as Gary Chezzwitz
Rory Quink as the hot dog vendor
Yanni Kapowski as Gerald the Pig
Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire
Farkk Mooso as Marc Russo
Kurt Aschermann as himself (cameo on toilet)
King Kong as Godzilla
Pal Fimply as Sal "Two-Face" Pepano

and introducing

Niffola Fucci as the smelly eggplant

Quink: Alive

Contrary to earlier reports that he had drowned in a mayonnaise pool, Sheshikiah Quink is, in fact alive, according to a photograph of a person with knowledge of the situation. Quink, who successfully had all the mailboxes in his neighborhood replaced with giant sneakers in the fall of 1983 and was bassist in the legendary band Smelling Gary, will continue to live in his shoebox with his pet hairbrush, Darryl.

- Correspondent Deidrick Bipperd

Staff Peanut Hired

A shocking development Friday afternoon as the Jerk announced the hiring of Pete "Peanut" Muskie as Staff Peanut. Muskie will oversee all peanut-related matters, including peanut war peace treaties and the production of Lil' Peanut's first rap album, Shell's Bells.

- Correspondent Vicky Kreimeier

Venley Quickly Eliminated

Sal Venley, hired as Staff Flat Screen TV early Friday, was killed a little later-than-early Friday by flying possum. Venley, who was the front-runner to fill the spot of Napubleian in the 2010 election, left behind a picture of a microwave and his goldfish, Trudy.

Let's not dwell on Venley's death and instead just move on with our lives.

Sal Venley Brought Onboard

Sal Venley, formerly Cort Ikkerman, has been hired as Staff Flat Screen TV, according to Robert Blompton, Staff Hirer.

Venley




Venley, who enjoys water skiing and murder, starts immediately. He released the following statement through his artichoke, Rick:

" I hate this blog and all of its staff members. I will do my best to be fired or killed immediately. Before that happens, however, I will remain in the 42nd floor cafeteria talking to Harold."

Please join us in welcoming Venley to our staff.

- Stinky Phopp

New HOF Inductee Announced

FAT NECK GLENN

Hey Jerk legend Minkus "Fat Neck" Glenn has been announced as the second blog Hall of Fame inductee. Glenn, current staff leader, was the first member of the blog to wrestle and eat a possum while fashioning a pair of buttered toast sandals (Capolo Times-January, 1983), as well as the second to be pelted to death by raisin (Twunk Wombat was the first - May, 1978). Glenn's proudest accomplishment was his portrayal of Dan Larusso in the epic, 2007 mini-series Miyagi Help Daniel Find Own Apartment.

Hey Jerk Announces First HJ Hall of Fame Inductee

In revolutionizing fashion, Hey Jerk is proud to announce the advent of the Hey Jerk Hall of Fame. Hall of famers are Hey Jerk icons that have left a lasting impression on not only this blog, but on the world.

Criteria to be eligible:

Alive or Dead.

The first member elected into the HJ HOF is.........

MROOBLE FONCHONSKI


Mrooble was the first of many Fonchonskis to grace this blog with his presence, and is responsible for such inventions as the "Fonchonski clip" and the "balloon." Fonchonski was murdered several times, but came back from the dead on all but one occasion. Unfortunately, Mrooble cannot be here to accept the induction, as he is once again deceased.

Alien Hired

Nugget-5 (From planet Zegg)


Will take on role of Staff Alien Loser.

Junes Hired

In the first of what is to be many Junes hirings, Footmund W. Junes was hired on this morning as Staff Foot.

Junes



Junes is believed to originate from the Planet Bloompto, where large talking feet are the norm. While it may seem odd to us here at the Jerk, we need to see past our discriminatory ideals and accept Footmund with open arms, or feet.

Welcome, Footmund W. (Whiskey) Junes!

"Capolo to Sea 2: Rainbow Attacks" Casting Revealed

Capolo as himself
DD Morris as Oscar Rainbow
Chuck Frozengard Jr. as "The Blimp"
Juzten Bogoba as Stan the shark
Oscar Rainbow as Illtz Febbers III
Shmoof Lintardo as Brad Kovacik
Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire (Cameo)
Jetpack Jones as the man living under Rainbow's toe
Freeda Jixon as Mr. Miyagi
Gary Gwemlock as the wandering snowblower
Mrooble Fonchonski as the octopus
Rory Pock as the softball coach
Kurt Aschermann as the evil Dr. Boofkus

Scheduled to be released in early 2014.