Frozengard Eats Staff Member

Chuck Frozengard, longtime loser and Staff Hobo, was spotted in the 47th floor ladies restroom eating an already deceased Sam Scoombie early this morning. While it is unknown why the hobo felt the need to assassinate and eat Mr. Scoombie, Frozengard did mention that he "liked his Scoombie's with spicy mustard."

Scoombie (Dead)


As of 10:19 AM GST this morning, Mr. Frozengard was still in the restroom finishing off Mr. Scoombie's left calf.

- J. Testicalia

Joelson Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Joel Joelson, one of the first three-eared men to ever marry a tomato, as Staff Joelson. The 46-year old had worked as lead detective in the lasagna thefts of 1984 and was the editor-in-chief at joeljoelson.blogspot.com before the site was destroyed in a walrus fire.

Heinrich, the cartoon mouse that lives in Joelson's naval, was also hired.

Casting Chosen for New Film

Glenn Under Siege: The Shmoof Lintardo Mutiny Story


Cast:

Pal Fimply as Shmoof Lintardo
Mick Rooso as Fat Neck Glenn
Ernie Holoogala as Capolo/Evil Capolo
Nick Kiprio as the talking banana
Padrick Zin as Stinky, the Softball Player Who Couldn't
Gheorge Muresan as Robert Feathers
Calvin Bechtold as Zirnbo 14
Pip Glenn as Jerry the Canary
Miles Derner as Oscar Rainbow
Rosie O'Donnell as Aunt Estelle
Von Paysley as the advice-giving toaster oven
Kirk Sherman Jr. as the ghost of Eddie Bagel


In theaters January 1!

Lintardo Hired

Shmoof Lintardo, longtime Kovacik supporter, has been hired on as Staff Kovacik in what is being called "The hire of the minute."

Lintardo


While many staff members are wary of a Staff Kovacik, leadership at HJ has believed that a Kovacik has been necessary in order to take our blog to the next level for some time now. Lintardo released the following statement through his PR rep, Farkk Mooso:

"I am honored to represent such a world renowned clan such as the Kovaciks, and will do everything in my power to represent the standards by which they operate: Stinkyness, gas, and hairy asses."

Please join us in welcoming Shmoof to staff.

- James Testicalia, Lead Correspondent, Hey Jerk

Vanderells Dead

Hannah Vanderells was found deceased under Bobby Feathers' cubicle desk this morning.

No more information will become available on this subject.

Vanderells Stops By

Hannah Vanderells stopped by Hey Jerk headquarters Wednesday afternoon to say hello.

We'll have more information on this story as it becomes available.

Staff Segway Hired

Yimp Bogoba, another in a long line of Bogobas, has been hired on as Staff Segway.

Bogoba


"While I have no experience in Segwaying, I feel as if I can most likely offer some sort of benefit to this staff. I make eggs."

No one cared about the hiring as of 1 PM GST.

- James T.

New Bogoba Hired, Several Staff Members Screaming

Shitknuckle Bogoba, long known "terrorist of the north," has been hired on as Staff Computer.

Bogoba

Bogoba, who is long known to have alliances with the Rainbow family, plans on world domination.

"My role as Staff Computer is two-fold: First, I will compute things as if I were a computer. Second, I will use my computational skills to devise a plan for world domination - during my non-working hours, of course."

Several Staff members, including Brucklin Crugg, were seen screaming and sprinting around HQ upon the arrival of Shitknuckle. Crugg has since been proclaimed missing.

- Staff Correspondent James Testicalia

Second Bogoba Hired, Rumors of World Domination Begin

Juzten Bogoba, no relation to Venton Bogoba, was hired early this morning as Staff Dachsund.

Bogoba


Bogoba, formerly James Testicalia, will start immediately. Bogoba brings several years of experience with him to HJ, including 14 years as Staff Quilt at rival blog BogobaForever.Blogspot.Com.

"I'm taking on the role of Staff Dachsund with one foot in the air, and the other on the ground."

Juzten is known to carry around a small man that lives on his left eyeball (Gerry), and has a penchant for Great Danes.

- Staff Correspondent James Testicalia

First Bogoba Hired

Venton Bogoba, a member of the prominent Bogoba family, has been hired as staff waver. Bogoba will be responsible for waving at passing motorists, floral arrangements and new staff banister, Don Menkley.

The Bogoba File

Age: N/A
Family: pine cone (Dwayne), marble (Betsy), daughter (Pinecone)
Military history:

1984-1986: soldier in the War of Many Salads. Wounded by cabbage schrapnel and received honorable discharge in May, 1986.

1988: captain of the 7th infantry in Pinch War of '88. Had eleven pinches in Mexico City (June, 1988)

1996-2006: lieutenant in United States giant ear core. Fought in several conflicts, including the Battle to Maintain Paul Paulfield's Hairpiece and the Asparagus Misunderstandings of '03. Retired from military service in December, 2006.

Work experience:

1972-1975: Salesman at Hank's Bait & Tackle Shop. Fired, January, 1975 for improper use of a dip bait.
1976-1977: Agent for child star Casey Iris. Fired and briefly imprisoned in November, 1977 for theft of sneakers.
1979-1982: Revising resume
1983: Power forward for the Richburg Torpedos basketball team. Released in February, 1983 after contract dispute/alleged referee kidnapping.

Phopp Found

Stinky Phopp, a staff correspondent, finally made an appearance at Jerk headquarters Monday afternoon. The former mustard drinking contest champion made a mess in his shorts, took several envelopes from the supply closet and declared war on the sink in the 3rd floor restroom before running into the east woods.


Phopp

Phopp has corresponded on a number of breaking news stories in his short time at the Jerk, and is in the process of completing his first novel, Things I Found In Barry's Ear.

Jones Passes Away

Oboe Jones, who was hired in late-July as staff orchestra, died in a violin fire early Monday. Jones, 62, was attempting to reunite a violin with its estranged mother when the string instruments caught on fire. Jones, who wasn't liked by anyone on staff, was eating a fingernail sandwich at the time and didn't see the flames.

Instead of funeral services, we're just going to go about our business like Oboe Jones was never hired in the first place. His dart board would've wanted it that way.


- Correspondent Thom O'Day

Sanchules Grinded Into Sausage

Kurt Sanchules, longtime unnecessary Staff Kiwi, was grinded into a pile of spicy Sanchules Sausage early Monday morning, according to Pip Glenn, who performed the ancient ritual.

Sanchules (Dead)

Following the incident, Glenn released the following statement through his publicist, Rourk Quosherman:

"While the Glenn family is sad to see Mr. Sanchules have to go, we simply needed the sausage for a Sanchules Stew dish we are preparing for this weekend. To the Sanchules family: we are deeply appreciative for the sacrifice you have made for the well being of the Glenn family."

It is believed that Pip Glenn plans on preparing the Sanchules Stew with a garlic glove and bottle of Ragu Tomato Basil.

- Stinky Phopp

Saturday Cancellations

Racquetball: Drunville vs. Wonto's Deli, moved to Monday at 8:00 a.m.
PaulfieldFest: postponed due to sock riot
Save the Elbows fundraiser: December 17

Autographed card for sale

Raul Mondesi



* Personalized to staff editor Capolo


$.07
email oscarrainbow@gmail.com

Hey Jerk's 1st Anniversary Party

Cake baked by editor Aunt Estelle


Editors Oscar Rainbow and Capolo


Staff Hobo Chuck Frozengard


Salami (did not make appearance)