Jerk hires another Coolie

After capping a memorable 2011 with the hiring of Ed Cooley as Staff Cooley, the Jerk made another shocking hire Wednesday evening, adding Private John Coolie (Uruguagian, retired).

Coolie is a veteran of many wars, including The War To Eliminate Murray Werner and the War Of Too Many Percys.

He'll begin his tenure as soon as the 73-year old passes a Phui physical.

Phui Officially Dead

Omfbo Phui, who was reportedly near-death early Tuesday morning after a rubber chicken incident, has officially died. Phui, staff murderer since mid-September, had a second rubber chicken put in his jeans pocket, then overdosed on pen caps and perished.

Phui's funeral was scheduled for October 25 at 3:00 p.m., but was quickly canceled after staff members threatened a soy sauce war if the service took place.

- Correspondent Arthur Lyons

Phui Reported Dead

*BREAKING NEWS*

Early reports from headquarters indicate staff murderer Omfbo Phui has died. Staff correspondent Banana Gentry filed a report at 12:31 a.m. stating Phui had a rubber chicken put in the front pocket of his blue jeans and the 39-year old couldn't recover.

If Phui is in fact dead, it will be a great relief to many of the staff members, many of which have seen several of their close friends, including Eddie Bagel, killed by Phui's murderous mob in the past 48 hours.

Stay tuned to the Jerk for further updates on Phui's condition and/or description of the liquids flowing from his ears and naval.

Bagel Brought On Board

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Juan E. Bagel as new Staff Cream Cheese. Juan replaces his cousin Eddie, who was one of five staff members killed in the Omfbo Phui offings/salad dressing drownings of '10.

Phui Kills Five

Omfbo Phui has done it. He has killed five of the biggest losers ever to work at this blog.


Mass Death



We here at the Jerk would offer our condolences to the families of Bill Bryson, Baron Von Bweebo, Nicky Hu, Ed Bagel, and Otto Kleinsauce - but we hated them all and are glad they are dead.


- Winston W.

Staff Murderer Hired

The Jerk has made an unprecedented move this fall morning, hiring on a Staff Murderer for the first time in blog history.

Omfbo Phui


"I'm gonna kill alot of people around here" said Phui, previously unknown in these parts of the country.

While the motive for hiring Mr. Phui is not understood, one thing is for certain: Phui is here to stay, and several other Phui's are on the way.

- Renfro
- Cyrus
- Comboobamo

- Staff Correspondent Cheecho Q.