*BREAKING NEWS*
Early reports from headquarters indicate staff murderer Omfbo Phui has died. Staff correspondent Banana Gentry filed a report at 12:31 a.m. stating Phui had a rubber chicken put in the front pocket of his blue jeans and the 39-year old couldn't recover.
If Phui is in fact dead, it will be a great relief to many of the staff members, many of which have seen several of their close friends, including Eddie Bagel, killed by Phui's murderous mob in the past 48 hours.
Stay tuned to the Jerk for further updates on Phui's condition and/or description of the liquids flowing from his ears and naval.
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