Water Fountain Stolen

MEMO

The water fountain on the fourth floor is missing. The fountain left behind a wife, stapler, and two children, rug and electrical socket, who are very worried. Anyone with knowledge on the fountain's whereabouts, please alert human resources penguin, Dolph at extension APPLE.

- Jerk leader FN Glenn

Lembeck Missing

Hey Jerk editor Buddy Lembeck has been reported missing, according to his mother-in-law Otis. Lembeck, who was named to the blog's editorial staff after his autobiography When's It My Turn to Hop Scotch? made the seller's list, was last seen underneath the break room sink "hiding from the voices", and was later spotted boarding a spaceship to the ceiling.

He is armed with sesame seed bagels and is considered pantsless.


- Correspondent Janet Bryson

Possible Names for Mrs. Doubtfire Sequel

- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Pierce Brosnan's Revenge
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Return of the Run-By Fruiter
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Euvagenia Blows Wind
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Rocky Balboa
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Mrs. Expectfire
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Sally Field Blows Wind
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Rainbow Invades Manhattan
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Pierce Brosnan Made (Again)
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: The Second Mrs. Doubtfire Movie
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Cloning Robin Williams

Bryson Brought On To Fix Things

Bill Bryson has been hired as Staff Changer. The 39-year old is now responsible for changing things, making changes and coordinating changes amongst staff members, according to editor Capolo, who changed his hair color.

"Red," said Capolo.

Bryson: "I hate all of you and I may make doo on Thursdays. Plus, I've got several potatoes that are willing to make sacrifices."

Weekend at Bernies in Hippos

On the Promiscuity of Olives

"Listen, boys," said Olivia Olive, "I don't care which one of you does it but I know what I want and I want it now."

Pinto, Pete and Peeril Pimento were shocked at their good fortune.

Incidentally, we now know where "Dirty Martinis" got their name.

Cast Announced for New Film

The cast for director Miles Milesher's latest picture Level 5 Doo: The Gary Rehnquist Story has been announced.

Gary Rehnquist ... Gary Sinise
Toilet ... Sam Colsen
Plunger salesman ... Harvey Xomcheese
Lieutenant Deluca ... Dom Deluca
Michael "Flush" Macafee ... Greg Eastley
Talking banana ... Mallory Boddington
Poo Rock #3 ... Rollie Queh
Ottawa toilet ... Jennifer Wie
Mashed potato fight referee: Elgin Potter
Gino Genovese ... Anthony Lisapio
Toilet paper protesters ... Mitch Leesle, Aaron Twan & Elizabeth Merkel

Lembeck Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Budrick Shenney Lembeck as a new staff editor. Lembeck was staff editor at mustardwaterpranks.com from 1999-2004 and was a writer at the influential blog placespossumsgo.com before being fired for lasagna theft September 19.

The new staff editor released a statement through his lawyer, Marvin Russo:

"Hi."

Lembeck brings with him a rubber penguin, Tony, who handles all dental appointments and a jar of expired milk. Reports indicate he's already made several enemies at the blog, including fellow editor Capolo and Dorothy, the old lady that lives in Capolo's ear.

Buffalo Chicken Finger Wars

The Beeronians were willing to go to any lengths to defeat the Buffalo Chicken Fingertians - even self-sacrifice.

Archibald the Armadillo

A day at the office for Archibald the Armadillo, an Accountant at Arslinger Ant Annihilators. He's good with numbers.

The Great Debate

What's worse? Eye boogers or nose boogers? Scientists and laymen have debated for centuries - the discussion continues on The Jerk.

Consider:

- Eye boogers eff with your sight. Unacceptable.

- Nose boogers sometimes make it hard to breathe. But only sometimes.

- Eye boogers come in only two consistencies: crusty or squishy. Nose boogers - the sky's the limit.

- Nose boogers = embarrassment. Eye boogers = floaty things in your vision. Which is more problematic?

- Dogs get eye boogers but rarely nose boogers.

- You can't suction out eye boogers.

Please discuss.

Staff Correspondent Dead

Cheecho Q, whose been a staff correspondent since the early-1940s, "the marmalade years", is dead of ear lobe theft. An unknown assassin stole Cheecho's ears late Thursday night, leaving the 53-year old earless and frightened. Cheecho died several seconds later.

Funeral services were set for Saturday at 2:00 p.m., but were quickly cancelled due to lack of chili.

One Pock Perishes, Another Is Hired

Grant "Silly-Shoes" Pock has been hired on as Staff Diarrhea Inspector, according to editor Oscar Rainbow. Rainbow released the following statement after the hire:

"While we were pleasantly surprised to see Olin Pock die, we felt the need for a Pock presence here at The Jerk. That, combined with the growing need for a diarrhea man, lead us to hire Silly-Shoes."

Pock


"I'm honored to have this gig, and I promise my fans that I'll hit .230 for the rest of the year," Pock said.

That was all Pock had to say upon hearing of his hire. Please join us in welcoming Silly-Shoes to the staff.

- Cheecho Q.

EDITORS NOTE: Post 500 in less than a year. Well done.

Fimply: Dead

Donovan Fimply
2008-2010

Cause of death: cauliflower accident

Quintera: Deceased

Doof Quintera, longtime Jerk staff member and staunch Kovacik supporter, was found liquified in his box under the 14th street bridge this AM. Oboe Jones, Quintera's neighbor, told the story.

"Quintera blew wind this AM at his usual 7:40 time, but this time, something different happened. He exploded and all of a sudden was nothing more than a pile of Quintera juice. And it stunk."

Quintera (Dead)



Please join us in mourning the loss of Doof Quintera.

A new staff dentist will be named in the coming days.

- Coombabamo Phui

Hu Hires Hu

Hey Jerk Hu scout Harry Hu has announced the hiring of Nickapopalis Hu as staff dandelion, according to several reports. While at Fonchonski during the late-1980s, Nick Hu served as staff dandelion and also was a cauliflower correspondent at the now defunct blog Arm Pit Diaries.