Jerk To Hire Staff Dentist

The Jerk has received two applications and would like to leave it up to our many followers as to who gets the job. Responsibilities will include poo scooping. Without further adieu, here are the applicants:

Chet "Cheeto Man" Sanchez

Birth Name: Chester Randolph Sanchez, Jr.

DOB - 12/12/1846

Nickname(s) - "Cheeto Man," "The Pride of Yugoslavia," "Dirk"

College - Moscow Dental - 1967

Accomplishments - Once carved a live Ostrich. Can eat 7 Ritz crackers at once (Last: February, 1913). Dingleberries number in the thousands (stopped counting - 2007).

Comments: Wears signature light on forehead.

Nope Bradley

Birth Name - Nope Popponich Bradley

DOB - N\A, but age 44

Nickname(s) - "Humphead," "Six"

Accomplishments: Types 7 words per minute; owns four heads of lettuce.

Comments: Started the Great Bonham Dental School Fire: May, 1997.


Please submit your votes via the comment feature below. Hiring to be completed this evening.

- Larry, Jerk Correspondent\Hippo

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE - 4:45 p.m.

Total votes:

Chet Sanchez - 7
Nope Bradley - 6

Write-in:

Fat Neck Glenn - 2
Larry - 1


UPDATE - 8:55 p.m.

Sanchez: 14
Bradley: 9
Fat Neck Glenn: 5
Larry: 1
d. devito: 1

Local band members arrested with counterfeit mayo

Klegshore, VL - Chuckles and Puckerup, members of the band Nostril Fumfkin, were arrested early Monday with over 400 jars of counterfeit mayonnaise with intent to distribute. After finishing a show at Chubby Sue's, Chuckles and Puckerup took the band's tour wheelbarrow and said they would return in a few minutes, according to Nostril Fumfkin publicist, Shonsen Jickson. Police found the band members at 12:17 a.m. attempting to sell the mayonnaise to a possum.

"We pulled the wheelbarrow over and the suspects had clearly been using the mayonnaise. There was bread all over the place and one of the suspects had a small clump hanging down from his ball cap," said Klegshore police chief Mick Russo.

Chuckles and Puckerup were released on $11 bail. The preliminary hearing is scheduled for December 22 at the Klegshore County court house. According to the band's web site, www.website.com, no decision had been made on the future of Chuckles and Puckerup with a world-wide tour to promote the pigeon be-bop band's sixth studio album, Up to My Knuckles, beginning December 31.

"Excuse me, sir, can you get off my lawn? I told you, I'm not the band's manager," said local resident Henry Shane.


- Staff correspondent Hebber Wheatley contributed to this story

New Hey Jerk Sponsor - Mrs. Doubtfire and Sons, Inc.

Hey Jerk would like to introduce a new sponsor to our followers, Mrs. Doubtfire and Sons, Inc. The company deals in retail sales of any movie you can think of. Rocky IV, The Land Before Time, When Harry Met Sally - "you want it, we got it."

MDAS, Inc. does offer product differentiation to separate themselves from the competition. Any movie you buy from them is actually a copy of Mrs. Doubtfire with a different name on it. So if you've always wanted a copy of Pinocchio that is actually Mrs. Doubtfire - you've come to the right place!

- Jerk Staff

Horse for sale

$39,000

* Interesting hippo trades considered *


Chozblin box 744

HEY JERK RECIPE OF THE WEEK

Rhino Stew
submitted by young Tessa O'Shong

Prerequisite - Drive to South Africa, find a Rhino. VERY IMPORTANT.

- 1 (one) dead rhino, skinned, de-gutted
- 2 (two) large white onions
- 7 (seven) live pig's feet
- 4 (four) Garys
- 1 (one) clove garlic
- 1 (one) tablespoon vegetable oil
- 400 (four hundred) Idaho potatoes
- 1 (one) can diced hippo meet
- 12 (twelve) cans rhino broth

Finely chop garlic and onions. Bring vegetable oil to a simmer in a large saucepan. Add garlic and cook until browned. Add diced onions, simmer for 14 minutes. Carefully slice Garys, live pig's feet, dead rhino, and Idaho potatoes. Add 12 cans rhino broth, bring to a boil. Add Garys, live pig's feet, dead rhino, and Idaho potatoes to stew. Cook 4 hours, 11 minutes on medium heat, stirring once at 43 minutes and once at 4 hours, 9 minutes. Add diced hippo meet and cook additional 3 minutes. Take off heat, let stand 6 days. Serve and enjoy.

Makes 1 serving.

LIVE BLOG - ROUND 2 OF GIRAFFE DRAFT

Round 2

[Analysis by Capolo & Oscar Rainbow]


16. Vin Valley - Pu Rennin - Wimperlong State. Third-oldest giraffe to be drafted (44). Stock fell after infamous mashed potato hot tub photos surfaced on internet (September, 2009).

17. Harry Cosgrave City - Larry - N/A. Only hippo to ever be drafted in giraffe draft. Also employed as part-time writer for Hey Jerk.

18. Hensley Park Raptors - Ish'fy Clemente - N/A. First foreign-born giraffe taken. Impressed scouts with his vertical leap despite having only five vertebrae. Favorite TV show: Nostril Ricardo & Friends

19. Ottawa Gorillas - D. Devito - Frompsberg State. Ottawa taking a gamble here drafting Devito a second time in case their initial discussions fall through. Also want to have a chance to steal Devito back from rival Ottawa squad should they have discussions with Devito. D. Devito once ate an entire ostrich (February, 1904) without burping.

20. Boise (from Olten Bureau) - Konko - West Corcoran. Taken in 2008 Giraffe Draft but returned to school to finish degree in Pigeontonics.

21. Toronto Terriers - Seth - East Australia U.



Drafted strictly on potential of having only three toes.

22. West Poppadopalis - Ollie Shane - Poob Technical Institute. Lacks ossified cartilage, but still ran a 19.4 40-yard dash during pre-draft combine. In January, 2006, ate car battery to impress a female giraffe, then threw up battery to win village talent show.

23. Ottawa Capolo's - Pinto Hama'ale - Hawaii Institute of Large Animal Veterinary Science. Voted "Deepest in nostril tongue reach" Hawaii Central HS Class of '88.

24. Fort Brunson - Ceng Zu - Hoilioke College.



Joins former college teammate Ernie 7 as 2009 draft picks. Currently housing a family of chipmunks in his left ear.

25. New York Pygmy Rhinos - Forfeit pick. New York looking to cut back on giraffe league record $14 dollar payroll for 2010, decides to forfeit draft pick, leaving D. Devito available for subsequent squads.

26. Sacramento Salmon - T'Qweeshawn Early - Plum College & Discount Shoe Repair.

First giraffe taken from the Thornicroft subspecies. Able to play all five positions and has experience swallowing mice whole.

27. Norway Schlotzky's - J. Candy - Aunt Estelles Gifted Giraffes. Since the release of Candy's film "The Great Outdoors," Candy focused his talents on becoming a giraffe. First giraffe to weigh over 400 lbs in human form.

28. Dallas - Goo Thomason - N/A. Expansion team's first-ever draft pick completes 21-year old trade. Thomason's former wife, Ingrid Lanthom (rhinoceros), traded to Cleppinger for pine cone sandwich and giraffe to be named later (June 7, 1988).

29. Anchorage - Freezy "Chips" Yonnsho - Montana State A&M. 27'9", 4,445 lbs. Larger as far as giraffes are concerned, Anchorage takes a gamble on Freezy based on physical proportions. Freezy has never giraffed and will need several years of seasoning in the minors. Thought of as potentially a seven-tool athlete.

30. Shonsen City - Blinky - N/A. Deceased (earthworm overdose).

Un-licensed Teen Wolf Too merchandise now available!

A - "Teen Wolf Too" - ADULT (M/L/XL)... $19.95

B - "You can't face life as a wolf and expect it to solve all your problems" - ADULT (M/L/XL)... $19.95

C - "Teen Wolf Too" - CHILD (XS/S/M)... $10.95

D - "I'd like to change some classes" - STICKER... $3.95


To order, email: oscarrainbow@gmail.com or c.compelio@gmail.com

LIVE BLOG - 2009 GIRAFFE DRAFT

Round 1

[Analysis by Capolo & Oscar Rainbow]

1. Ottawa Gorillas - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. 11'7, 2,367 pounds. Devito was consensus number one overall pick after completing 3 head stands in the 2008 regional finals v. Beluga Tech University.

2. Hensley Park Raptors - Juju - Locks Valley Conservatory. 23-inch tongue. Record 273 leaves eaten (May 7, 2008).

3. Uruguay Township Blue Whales - P.P. Reynolds - Pepano Air Conditioning Technical College. Shortest known giraffe at 1'4. Once dated Britney Spears.

4. West Poppadopalis - Ernie 7 - Holioke College. 13'8, 2,220 pounds. Poppadopalis voted best giraffe on roller skates from 1998-2001. Brother, Julian, starred in 1987 musical Somebody Get me a Glass of Water.

5. Jickson Maulers - Gilbert Boniva - Tymarius Institute of Technology. Boniva previously drafted in 3rd round of 1992 Poo draft but career stalled after eating too much cheese. Reinvested himself in Giraffing - oldest giraffe to be drafted (47).

6. Clampo County Vikings - Tito Pipp - Backroom College & Cafeteria. Once carried a fellow giraffe to freedom (cream corn avalanche). Second-oldest giraffe to be drafted (46).

7. Ottawa Capolo's - D.Devito - Frompsberg State. Rival Ottawa club drafts Devito on condition that if deal cannot be worked out with Gorillas, Devito deal strictly with them. Devito was first Giraffe to star in TV sitcom (Taxi).

8. Minnesota Plungs - Leech Brayburn - Voo. Thinnest poo (1977-1984). Signability in question after perfect score at 2009 Cabbage Olympics.

9. Takagawa Walnuts - Donnie Baseball - Japan College of Giraffe Development and O'Shoogie Design. Previously played for the New York Yankees and after retirement decided to focus on being a Giraffe. Starred in "When Harry Met Sally" (Coconut peeler)

10. Grottsburg Pirates - Chico Lind - KC Racers. 13'7, 2,575 pounds. Worst enemy: Jerry (lion).

11. Giraffe City Spiders - J.P. Schmoppo - Toronto Juniors. 27'8", 14 pounds. Known for trademark truffle shuffle after each cheetah attack. Loves middle-eastern Rhinos.

12. Shonsen City - Potato Murphy - Ben Hopkins High School. Favorite food: mud. 'Necking' led to November, 2006 marriage to Engo Vanderells; divorced: January, 2007.

13. Deluise - Penelope Franklin - Shmomway Middle. Known to fart violently during competition. Skills warrant a top 5 pick, but chance of diarrhea troubling.

14. South Klumptown - Bibb Chance - Oddoway State. Twig hoarder. Drafted in 2008 Giraffe Draft, but returned to school. Finished with 2.7 GPA (giraffe-pee-average) senior year.

15. Fompooly City Pombabos - John Candy - N/A. Candy drafted strictly on potential - once extended neck longer than 42 feet. Enjoys hunting rhino.


** Round 2 - December 10 **

Crazy person with stuffing - UPDATE

Sammy Springs, GH - The crazy person found Sunday with an empty container of stuffing and uneven sideburns was identified as Yancy Pippen, a local hippo salesmen. Pippen finished the stuffing on the morning of December 6 and later was found outside his home attempting to trade his sweater vest to a neighborhood squirrel.

"He had a bunch of acorns and I was trying to get my hands on a few of them. So I offered my vest, but the little bastard ran away," Pippen said.

Pippen, who at the time of the stuffing incident was hosting a viewing party for the hit reality TV show Watch Me Tinkle, is a 1989 graduate of Paymont University and is famous for his 2006 portrayal of Hensley Chambers in the off-Broadway play Too Many Hensleys. The 42-year old declined to comment on his sideburns, which at press time contained several traces of barbecue sauce.


- From Hey Jerk staff reports

Hey jerk, quit staring at my lawn from the other side of that fence

Crazy person found with empty container of stuffing, uneven sideburns

Jerk Hires Photographer, Pepano Jr.

Shonsen Pepano, Jr., son of deceased Shonsen Pepano (Yoga mat explosion, 2001) of urinal door arson fame, has been hired by The Jerk to be an assistant photographer. Pepano Jr. will report directly to Chief Staff Writer Rainbow, and will mostly be photographing things that make no sense. This is an unpaid position.

Pepano Jr. is a man of rather large nasal proportions, and his method of photography because of such is unknown.

- From Hey Jerk staff reports

Get Them Off YOUR Lawn

The "Hey Jerk, Get off my lawn" team recommends for you to download for your downloading pleasure: "Get Off My Lawn" the free online game.

Please to make download happen

From the marketing materials: "As the lawn-loving Blue Mollet, it is up to you to keep other Mollets off your grass, by running them over with your lawnmower!" Intriguing, intense, gut-wrenching... I could go on.

Great for those peoples in high rise condos and/or hobos in train cabooses who don't have lawns of their own.

Black Market Hippo Trade Crime Hits an All-Time High

December 2, 2009

Flompus, QA - Local police detective Yancey McWalnut has been on the case since his first day on the force - June 25, 1817. He's never seen the black market hippo trade get anywhere near as dire as it is right now.

"Humans are being noodled over hippo barters gone awry. More than ever before," said McWalnut. "It's like the hippo demand in this town has shot up one thousand percent."

Asked to comment on the rumored South Yugoslavian Giraffe-for-Bulgarian Black Hippo trade thought to have gone down in the early hours of November 30, McWalnut had this to say:

"Got nothing to say about that. Check with Sergeant Shonsen Pepano. Maybe he's got something to say."

After approaching Sergeant Pepano, he had this to say:

"Did he say that?"

The Flompus Police Department seems to be all over the case. While they will most likely have the hightened hippo barter scene under control within days, they ask any civilian who may witness an illegal hippo or walrus deal to contact the proper authorities, or call Rory Fompolio.

- Hey Jerk freelance writer Elgin Jickson

Staff writer fired

Ronald Henning
Tenure: November 29, 2009 - December 1, 2009
Fired for: Trading office supplies for cabbage


** Also Tajin fruit seasoning spokesperson and star of new family comedy Snowman Sandwich, in theatres, December 17 **

Baseball card missing

[picture taken August 3, 2008)


Personalized autographed card of Ted Lilly missing

Missing since: last Wednesday
Last seen with: my dog, Ernie
Estimated value: $275
What Lilly said to me while he signed the card: "hey kid, I think you've got mustard on your forehead...how'd you get that much mustard on your forehead?"

* If you have any information, please contact the Pisoville Police Dept. or my mother, Dottie *
- Rory W.