Durly hired

Dustin Durly was named the 39th editor in Hey Jerk history Thursday morning.

Durly, the son of Dwayne Durly, grandson of Helmet, granddaughter of Felicia, neighbor of Greg Jensen, great-great grandson of Darren Sr., produce salesman from 1978-1991 at Paymorenow Grocers in his hometown of Klank County, son of Ulysses Crugg, aunt to Bethany and Jeannete Durly, map of Colorado side of Route 11 salesman to Iris Leech, teammate of defenseman Brian Leetch, Henry Blub impersonator, father of Mitch Durly, uncle to Benjamin, Nadine, Raj, Clifford Jr. and Francine, pediatrician to the Gluber Sisters, great-aunt to Beatrice and Lyle Durly, district attorney during the trial of Mitchell "The Shoelace Napper" Durly (June, 2009), brother-in-law to houseplant 5, and editor-in-chief at Time magazine (1948-present), Durly's main project will be the construction of the Capolo Street Bridge.

Durly's hamster, Bruce, was unfortunately eaten late Wednesday.

Fong Brought On as Chief of Staff

Norton (Nort) Fong, long time fan and frog genitalia enthusiast, has finally been coerced (kidnapped) into accepting a position at The Jerk. Fong takes over the "show" and will run the site's day-to-day operations as Oscar Rainbow's Chief of Staff.

Fong

Fong - who apparently has hair coming out of his rear end and no discernible "body", will be seated under Oscar Rainbow's desk in his penthouse office space. 

When asked about the potential foot odor situation brewing underneath Rainbow's desk, Fong replied "Mmmm hmmmm, mmmm hmmmm."

Fong begins immediately, and it is believed he has his eyes on the Staff Presidency.

- Staff Contributor Wob Woo

Blodnik hired

Wade Blodnik, believed to be the first banana man in earth's history, has been hired as Wade Supervisor.

Blodnik takes over for Wade Gedshore, who was fired late Friday for misidentifying a Corey as a Wade, and for eating an elephant while wearing a Denver Broncos helmet, which is a class 3 felony in the state of Oklahoma.

Blodnik will take over in storage space B, formerly occupied by ant, 33.

"He's been a contributing citizen for years, so, he deserves a shot at this," said Blodnik's linguine over-eaters anonymous sponsor Capolo Henderson Jr.

Blodnik's leg, Andjuar, declined comment.

Rare photo found of Rico Yetz IV found

Feathers the Clown Set on Fire; Deceased

Feathers the Clown has been killed.

Feathers' arrival scared many of HJ "staffers" to the point that he only lasted 4 minutes on "campus".

He was then doused with lighter fluid while sitting in his cubicle on the west wing of the 77th floor, and lit on fire when Oscar Rainbow flicked the remains of his cigarette in his general facility.

The clown was immediately reduced to nothing more than a small globule.

So long, Feathers. The ride was real.

- Staff Correspondent Terry Terrance

Events

Feathers the Clown

Coming soon to a town near you

Monday evening MahMoud

Lavelle MahMoud
Age: 480 in antelope years
Noses: Carlton, Jane, little Lavelle
Favorite pro basketball team: 1952 Syracuse Nationals
Pieces of bread in his right pants pocket (as of May 10): 7
Charity organizations affiliated with: F.T.T. (Feed the Toasters)
Youth soccer jersey number: never played

Rainbow's Back - Takes Over

Oscar Rainbow has finally made his return.

After years of speculation on his whereabouts, he simply drove up to HJ HQ yesterday evening in his new 2019 Toyota Corolla (Red). Upon his arrival, current (former) Staff President Yolanda Fimply was seen retreated into the woods with what looked like some "brown" marks on her undergarments.

Fimply (Missing)

In light of these events, Rainbow has proclaimed himself the 33rd Staff President in HJ history (his 14th term as President).

Rainbow (Staff President)

Not surprisingly, Rainbow was quick to name his new Vice President - Nolan Pelcher. 

"Pelcher's got what it takes." - Rainbow

Nolan Pelcher (Vice President)

The Rainbow/Pelcher administration's first move (after taking over the entire east wing of HQ), was to take care of new Staff Idiot Wozzlo. 

Wozzlo (Placed in Blender - DEAD)

Fortunately, Wozzlo was able to be turned into a delicious smoothie, which was shared by Dr. Rainbow and his new hit-man, Nolan Pelcher. 

Please accept the reign of Oscar Rainbow, as any detractors will be immediately killed and eaten. 

- Staff Correspondent Bill Ogg

Dozens of new staff announced

New staff members added Monday morning:

Raisin-on-salad removal

Hernan Paul-Gomez

Pointing at ant hills
Nolan Pelcher

Squirrel attorneys
Vanessa Gooch
CC Zandermeer

Emissions - potato trucks
Polly Kuppa
Vance Kuppa

Human-to-raspberry transition
Evelyn Ash

Pecans
Lanette Wickersley

Blouse family representatives
Beatrice Blouse
Bobo Blouse

Carl retrieval
Wozzlo

Dennis Durly Preservation Society
President: Claire Durly
Treasurer: Hollis Macheskie

Cut man (ear)
Little Paulie

Dandelion pizza chef
Ky Limosa

"thumbs up" coordinator (Mon-Wed)
Maurice Leake

Burt Self impersonator
Wallace Renaldo

Patti Plink '20 campaign manager
Izzy Delburton

Derr III out as president/not alive anymore

Ed Fimply Killed

Ed Fimply, the first known photo-person (and also Staff Octopus) in HJ history, has been killed.

Fimply (DEAD)

While the cause of death has been listed as "pending" the results of an autopsy report, it is widely known that Ed Fimply was offed by the original "Bad-ass", Oscar Rainbow.

"Rainbow Lives" - Oscar Rainbow

- Staff Correspondent Marty Fugg

Him hired

Bunker 14 - Longtime celery map salesman Hin Him has been hired as staff Boris Klupcheck, pending a Monday morning mustard stain search.

Him, who is missing the front part of his nose, has one eyebrow which is not attached to his face and continues to live with just one leg despite being at the top of the exclusive Need A Leg? Call Me, Leonard Legget list, will occupy bunker 14 until his personalized yogurt room is finished.

"We've got four more gallons of yogurt due to arrive Thursday afternoon, then we can finish the room, and finally have our promised yogurt lunch break," said Hey Jerk construction foreman Pal Fimply Jr.

Accountant Marv, who lives hanging off of Him's lone ear, was hired as a staff accountant on a temporary basis, replacing Griffin Pepano, who was eaten by a giraffe.

Oneonta baseball organization: full teams announced

In preparation for the upcoming season, the Oneonta semi-professional baseball franchise has announced full rosters for all levels.

Oneonta Catfish

Manager: Gus Wheat ('47)

Bench coach: sandal

SP - Joey Mags

SP - Yip Clemente

SP - the former Ulysses Crugg

SP - Candace Batch

RP - Bob Bung

1B - Sir Grayson Gleech

2B - Paco

SS - Franco Zengal

3B - Ernie Bronco

RF - Amanda Mandana

CF - Saul Bung

LF - Chi Chi Rodriguez (golfer)

C - Neck

Hiawassee Slush (AA)

Manager: Arnold Pepper
**CORRECTION**: Arn Pepper fired/killed August '18. Current Manager: Billy the Mule

Bench coach: sour cream container lid

SP: Rhonda Everett

SP: goldfish

SP: Mo Foxwebber 

SP: Ms. Janet Otto

RP: No Ears 

1B: Petey Bongo-Bango

2B: Iris Snell (3'6)

SS: Iba Snell (3'8)

3B: pot of Hazelnut blend coffee

RF: Tanya Taco

CF: Ernie Bronco Jr.

LF: Sandeep Nanu

C: Cabbage

Blacksburg Bluejays (A)

Manager: Gak Ooo-Pong

Bench coach: July 8, 1997 issue of the Cleveland Plain Dealer

SP: Sara Ohtayg

SP: Connie The Brick

SP: Lefty McMurtry (RHP)

SP: salad

RP: Darius Kipp

RP: "handlebar mustache" - anonymous

1B: Jo he-jo Pong

2B: Brian Roberts

SS: Manuel Zeckle

3B: leaf pile

RF: Clarke Wickander

CF: Tatiana Boz

LF: Bobby F.

C: drawing of Belinda Carlisle

Derr Returns, Named Staff President

Considered missing and therefore deceased for just north of 93 years, longtime Staff Idiot Footo Derr returned to HQ today.

Not surprisingly, his first order of business was to assassinate current (now former) Staff President Oscar Rainbow. 

Rainbow will remain on Derr's staff as Staff Q-Tip. 

"We got a lotta dirty ears around these parts!" - Staff President Footo Derr

Derr (President)

Derr Bio

Name: Footo Derr III

DOB: 1/1/1

Age: Unknown

Feet: One

Noses: Unknown

Partner: Crotcho Derr (Married 2004)

Children: 3; Asso, Butto, and Ballo

Likes: Tuna Fish on Rye, The Portland Trailblazers, Donkeys

Dislikes: Mules, Horses, The Cincinatti Bearcats, Ballo Derr

As President, Mr. Derr has closed off the entire 47th floor as "his office". 

"Anyone who attempts to enter the 47th floor will be killed on sight." - President Derr

Staff: please do not attempt to enter the 47th floor. 

Celebratory lime tosses can be thrown at Staff Peanut Winston Fu tonight outside HQ starting at 7 pm. Be sure to bring the kids along: 3 free tosses per child! (Adults: $14/toss)

UPDATE: Fu deceased after 4,957th lime pelting. Remains to remain on site. 

- Staff Correspondent Rocco Frompley

McGruder says goodbye at 131

Gibby McGruder
1883-1911, 1914-2018
Beloved by ant (Marcel, 9)
Father to one loaf of wheat

1989-90 Utah Jazz: 4.7 ppg, 3.3 rpg, 0.8 spg
1990-91 Utah Jazz: 1.8 ppg, 4.0 rpg
* Appeared in one playoff game, June, 1990 - 3 points (3-for-7 FT), 1 steal


Services Dec. 23, 4:30 p.m., include (1) malt beverage with hand stamp

Fartbug makes team

Breaking news out of the team's training camp at Fozzlo Community College as Bill Fartbug has earned a spot on the 111-man roster for the upcoming season. Fartbug, the first eight-legged creature to play professionally, was told he had made the team during the annual find-the-spaghetti-in-the-woods competition.

Fartbug will wear the same No. 12 he wore during his collegiate days when he starred at Unnamed College.

Fartbug is missing most of his head and eyeballs and eyebrows are attached, but coach Marty Waffle ('T' encyclopedia class of '88) doesn't think it will affect his performance.

"No, you're right, I don't think it will affect his performance," said Waffle, before taking one last sip of his diet ice cube.

Fartbug's asparagus tail could become a problem during the team's week 11 game against the Asparagus Eaters, who dominated the league a year ago in Total Asparagus Eaten & Total Asparagus Coveted.

Staff correspondent Denise Burpe contributed to this story