"Jerk" Cheeseburger
Submitted by Earl Franklin, DDS
Ingredients:
1 (one) slice cheese (Gruyere)
1 (one) lb ground chuck (70% fat)
7 (seven) Berts
14 (fourteen) large onions
1 (one) chestnut
2 (two) vats Old Bay seasoning
1 (one) bun
Using your hands, place ground chuck into a bowl and massage until soft. On side, crack Berts into small pieces. Slice 14 large onions. Add cracked Berts, 14 large sliced onions, whole chestnut, and two vats Old Bay to bowl. Combine to form burger patty. Place patty on barbecue over medium-high heat and cook until completely black. Add Gruyere cheese, place on bun. Enjoy.
Makes one serving.
**Note - always remember to leave barbecue lit for the next day's meal of choice. "A cold barbecue is a useless barbecue." - Jerry Fimmons
December 24, 2009
December 23, 2009
"Save Fat Neck Glenn" t-shirts now available
$45 each
To join this grassroots campaign, email oscarrainbow@gmail.com
December 22, 2009
Resume Posted
In Hey Jerk's ongoing search to find a staff writer to replace the Autoscribbler 4000, we've been accepting resumes since late-November. Here's the latest from Ernie Tolsen:
Ernie Tolsen
erniep23@yahoo.com
555-1028
Experience
* 2008: Staff writer at Ear Cheese magazine
* 2007: N/A
* 2004-2006: Creator/writer of online blog, www.cabbagetestimonials.com
* 1998-2005: Revising resume
* 1995-1998: Assistant manager at Frank's Pet Shop. Fired-July, 1998 for improper distribution of bird seed to minors
Education
1995: Graduated from Francis Winfield High School
Extra-curricular activities
- Debate team critic for school newspaper The Whelp (jr, sr)
- Junior varsity badminton assistant statistician (fr, soph, jr, sr)
- Played "Gerniger" in school play Percussionist on the Roof (sr)
1995-1998: Bachelor's degree in Pleniquanics from Vanderells Technical Institute & Cafeteria
2004-2005: Completed two courses at Something's Cookin' Culinary School.
* Expelled-January, 2005 for "inciting more than five mashed potato riots within a calendar year"
References
* Deke Randolph, editor-in-chief at Ear Cheese magazine. 555-6767
* Beatrice Tolsen, grandmother/landlord. 555-1048
* Randy, imaginary friend since 3rd grade/best man at my fake wedding (May, 2003). 555-1028
Ernie Tolsen
erniep23@yahoo.com
555-1028
Experience
* 2008: Staff writer at Ear Cheese magazine
* 2007: N/A
* 2004-2006: Creator/writer of online blog, www.cabbagetestimonials.com
* 1998-2005: Revising resume
* 1995-1998: Assistant manager at Frank's Pet Shop. Fired-July, 1998 for improper distribution of bird seed to minors
Education
1995: Graduated from Francis Winfield High School
Extra-curricular activities
- Debate team critic for school newspaper The Whelp (jr, sr)
- Junior varsity badminton assistant statistician (fr, soph, jr, sr)
- Played "Gerniger" in school play Percussionist on the Roof (sr)
1995-1998: Bachelor's degree in Pleniquanics from Vanderells Technical Institute & Cafeteria
2004-2005: Completed two courses at Something's Cookin' Culinary School.
* Expelled-January, 2005 for "inciting more than five mashed potato riots within a calendar year"
References
* Deke Randolph, editor-in-chief at Ear Cheese magazine. 555-6767
* Beatrice Tolsen, grandmother/landlord. 555-1048
* Randy, imaginary friend since 3rd grade/best man at my fake wedding (May, 2003). 555-1028
December 21, 2009
47th Annual Ladder Draft - 1st Round Lottery Projections
Actual draft to follow.
1) Ottawa Ladders - D. Devito - Ottawa State - Only man\hippo ever to be drafted in Poo, Giraffe, and Ladder draft in same year. Notoriously difficult to sign.
2) Berlin Burritos - D. Deluise - Cannonball Tech - Once starred in a movie titled "Fatso". Never been past 3rd step of a ladder, but potential is frightening.
3) Japan Pizza Delivery Men - S. Pepano - Pepano Pipes and Cactus - Pepano once famously lit four urinal doors on fire. Widely suspected that Pepano may fall lower in the draft due to high demands (Walrus named "Kippo"), but this draft is keeping him towards the top based strictly on his laddering potential (37th step, 1978 Nova Scotia Ladder Games)
4) Denmark Croatians - Fobbert Quinkley MD - Christensen School of Beanballing - Quinkley, of the Frankfurt, Germany Quinkleys - once ate an entire ladder (Taiwan - 1955). Also is known to poo lightning bugs.
5) Atlanta Communism - Nope Bradley - Hogwash State Dental - Bradley threw his name in the hat after a failed career in dentistry which ended with 4 molars removed (Oswald Mempo) and a fingerless hobo named Trevor. Nope immediately shot to the top of the charts with his unmatched ability to eat a salami sandwich while laddering.
1) Ottawa Ladders - D. Devito - Ottawa State - Only man\hippo ever to be drafted in Poo, Giraffe, and Ladder draft in same year. Notoriously difficult to sign.
2) Berlin Burritos - D. Deluise - Cannonball Tech - Once starred in a movie titled "Fatso". Never been past 3rd step of a ladder, but potential is frightening.
3) Japan Pizza Delivery Men - S. Pepano - Pepano Pipes and Cactus - Pepano once famously lit four urinal doors on fire. Widely suspected that Pepano may fall lower in the draft due to high demands (Walrus named "Kippo"), but this draft is keeping him towards the top based strictly on his laddering potential (37th step, 1978 Nova Scotia Ladder Games)
4) Denmark Croatians - Fobbert Quinkley MD - Christensen School of Beanballing - Quinkley, of the Frankfurt, Germany Quinkleys - once ate an entire ladder (Taiwan - 1955). Also is known to poo lightning bugs.
5) Atlanta Communism - Nope Bradley - Hogwash State Dental - Bradley threw his name in the hat after a failed career in dentistry which ended with 4 molars removed (Oswald Mempo) and a fingerless hobo named Trevor. Nope immediately shot to the top of the charts with his unmatched ability to eat a salami sandwich while laddering.
On hirings and firings
I celebrate "Christmas" on December 21, and I don't call it "Christmas", I call it "Stan Jickson". So hearing that I'd lost my job during the feast of penguin and lettuce juice on Stan Jickson Eve caused my entire family of geese to take to the streets in protest. "Protest!" we yelled.
I'd been a writer/nostril inspector for this web site since its inception in July, 1984, and frankly, my work spoke for itself.
But fired for elbow neglect? This is America, my friends, not Prenderson, which is a fake country that discriminates against people with unsatisfactory elbows, or "blelbows" as its citizens like to call it. I'll clean my elbows whenever I feel like it and using whatever brand of dish washing detergent I deem acceptable. And the Hey Jerk staff not only fired me, but found it necessary to leave a mountain of poo in my parking space and change the lock on my office door. It was a sad way for a relationship to end, but just like my relationship with my third wife, hippo, it ended over elbow cleanliness, a mountain of poo and changing the locks.
To close, I'd like to send along a shirt out to my new employer listencreeporemoveyourselffrommygrass.blogspot.com.
I'd been a writer/nostril inspector for this web site since its inception in July, 1984, and frankly, my work spoke for itself.
But fired for elbow neglect? This is America, my friends, not Prenderson, which is a fake country that discriminates against people with unsatisfactory elbows, or "blelbows" as its citizens like to call it. I'll clean my elbows whenever I feel like it and using whatever brand of dish washing detergent I deem acceptable. And the Hey Jerk staff not only fired me, but found it necessary to leave a mountain of poo in my parking space and change the lock on my office door. It was a sad way for a relationship to end, but just like my relationship with my third wife, hippo, it ended over elbow cleanliness, a mountain of poo and changing the locks.
To close, I'd like to send along a shirt out to my new employer listencreeporemoveyourselffrommygrass.blogspot.com.
December 20, 2009
Fired!
Staff writer Oscar Rainbow, Jr. has been temporarily fired (re-hired tomorrow morning at 7 AM) due to what staff management is calling "refusal to clean his elbows." Over recent weeks, Rainbow's elbows have become more and more noticeable. In fact, they have become so disgusting, that staff mailman Fob Quinkley, Jr. decided to abruptly resign his position citing "Elbows not consistent with a work environment believed to be of the level of "The Jerk"."
CEO and Staff Obstetrician Y.Q. Berkobaum had this to say about the events - " The kids a good writer, and a weird looking fellow - but he can't wash an elbow to save his life. Last week I saw a lobster growing on the guys left arm."
While Rainbow will rejoin the Jerk staff as of tomorrow morning, remaining employees insist that unless elbow hygiene becomes a larger factor in his daily routine, problems will persist.
"Kumquats could be thrown," young hippo Larry said, " and I won't feel the slightest bit of sorrow about it. The mans got to learn."
- Staff Correspondent F. Timmons
CEO and Staff Obstetrician Y.Q. Berkobaum had this to say about the events - " The kids a good writer, and a weird looking fellow - but he can't wash an elbow to save his life. Last week I saw a lobster growing on the guys left arm."
While Rainbow will rejoin the Jerk staff as of tomorrow morning, remaining employees insist that unless elbow hygiene becomes a larger factor in his daily routine, problems will persist.
"Kumquats could be thrown," young hippo Larry said, " and I won't feel the slightest bit of sorrow about it. The mans got to learn."
- Staff Correspondent F. Timmons
December 18, 2009
HEY JERK RECIPE OF THE WEEK
Thumb Salad
submitted by Ernie Baker Jr.
- 5 (five) eyelashes
- 2 (two) heads ice burg lettuce
- 1 (one) carrot (orange)
- 40 (forty) thumbs, no nails
- 3 (three) Carls
- 5 (five) cups of child sneezes
- 1 (one) can raccoon paste
- 2 (three) teaspoons margarine
- 4 (four) sheets notebook paper
Start with a large salad bowl. Chop heads of lettuce, slice carrot and put into bowl. Thinly slice thumbs into quarter-inch pieces and add notebook paper, as is, to bowl. Bake Carls in oven at 375 degrees for 10 minutes and in a separate sauce pan, boil raccoon paste and child sneezes. Once Carls are brown on the inside, add a teaspoon of margarine to each belly button. Finally, garnish salad with eyelashes and enjoy.
submitted by Ernie Baker Jr.
- 5 (five) eyelashes
- 2 (two) heads ice burg lettuce
- 1 (one) carrot (orange)
- 40 (forty) thumbs, no nails
- 3 (three) Carls
- 5 (five) cups of child sneezes
- 1 (one) can raccoon paste
- 2 (three) teaspoons margarine
- 4 (four) sheets notebook paper
Start with a large salad bowl. Chop heads of lettuce, slice carrot and put into bowl. Thinly slice thumbs into quarter-inch pieces and add notebook paper, as is, to bowl. Bake Carls in oven at 375 degrees for 10 minutes and in a separate sauce pan, boil raccoon paste and child sneezes. Once Carls are brown on the inside, add a teaspoon of margarine to each belly button. Finally, garnish salad with eyelashes and enjoy.
Hey Jerk lands exit interview with Fat Neck Glenn
Less than two hours after Fat Neck Glenn was fired as staff dentist, Hey Jerk landed an exclusive interview with the disgraced Uruguagian, mainly because he remained camped outside the web site's downtown office arguing with a slice of bologna. Here's staff writer Larry's interview with Glenn.
Larry: What happened? You were voted by the readers as staff dentist, and less than 48 hours after the final vote was tallied, you were fired. Any explanation from the front office?
Fat Neck Glenn: They said 'we have pictures of you trying to staple a mouse to another mouse', but I think they were just intimidated by me.
L: How so?
FNG: I can hold an entire head of lettuce in my mouth.
L: It was reported you spent the days following your hire waiting outside the Hey Jerk office. Eye witness accounts have you singing inappropriate songs, making threatening gestures to an off-duty ice cream man and relieving yourself on the sidewalk. What really happened?
FNG: The singing was designed for me to keep warm. I've noticed Peggy Cliff Christmas albums tend to warm the sole, at least that's what I read on the jacket cover of her latest record I Saw Mommy Kissing Garret's Mommy. The ice cream man was asking for it, he kept telling me I couldn't handle a waffle cone. And the defecation was due to the fact that the Hey Jerk staffed refused to let me inside to use their facilities. I poo'd out of necessity. Anybody in my position would've plotzed just like I did.
L: There were also reports of you and some office supplies. Care to comment?
FNG: What I do with a staple remover is my business.
L: You won the dentist election thanks to a huge write-in candidacy, any explanation for the surge in election-night voting?
FNG: I threatened a bunch of people with a curling iron.
L: Any plans for the future?
FNG: Well, first, I'm going to finish this interview with you and go home. After that, I think I'm going to cash in my scratch-off ticket and buy a diet soda, really let go, have some fun before I get shipped off to the war.
L: Iraq?
FNG: Paymore grocery store #417. War on low produce prices, starts Friday afternoon.
L: So you have a new job at the grocery store?
FNG: Technically they told me to please leave or the authorities will be called and this time we're actually going to press charges. But I think they're bluffing. Besides, my cat, Morris has been trapped in the dairy freezer for three days, I need to get him out. We have a wedding to go to.
L: Who is getting married?
FNG: Not sure.
L: Hey Jerk editor, Capolo said you were unfit to hold the position as staff dentist, have no qualifications as a dentist and are in actuality just a paper bag. What do you have to say about these accusations?
FNG: [Laughs]. The guy was a dentist in the early 1990s. Filled a woman's cavity with mashed potatoes and cleaned another patient's teeth with a plastic knife and fork. Not exactly Dr. Harold Corcoran, am I right?
L: Who is Dr. Harold Corcoran?
FNG: This interview is over.
Larry: What happened? You were voted by the readers as staff dentist, and less than 48 hours after the final vote was tallied, you were fired. Any explanation from the front office?
Fat Neck Glenn: They said 'we have pictures of you trying to staple a mouse to another mouse', but I think they were just intimidated by me.
L: How so?
FNG: I can hold an entire head of lettuce in my mouth.
L: It was reported you spent the days following your hire waiting outside the Hey Jerk office. Eye witness accounts have you singing inappropriate songs, making threatening gestures to an off-duty ice cream man and relieving yourself on the sidewalk. What really happened?
FNG: The singing was designed for me to keep warm. I've noticed Peggy Cliff Christmas albums tend to warm the sole, at least that's what I read on the jacket cover of her latest record I Saw Mommy Kissing Garret's Mommy. The ice cream man was asking for it, he kept telling me I couldn't handle a waffle cone. And the defecation was due to the fact that the Hey Jerk staffed refused to let me inside to use their facilities. I poo'd out of necessity. Anybody in my position would've plotzed just like I did.
L: There were also reports of you and some office supplies. Care to comment?
FNG: What I do with a staple remover is my business.
L: You won the dentist election thanks to a huge write-in candidacy, any explanation for the surge in election-night voting?
FNG: I threatened a bunch of people with a curling iron.
L: Any plans for the future?
FNG: Well, first, I'm going to finish this interview with you and go home. After that, I think I'm going to cash in my scratch-off ticket and buy a diet soda, really let go, have some fun before I get shipped off to the war.
L: Iraq?
FNG: Paymore grocery store #417. War on low produce prices, starts Friday afternoon.
L: So you have a new job at the grocery store?
FNG: Technically they told me to please leave or the authorities will be called and this time we're actually going to press charges. But I think they're bluffing. Besides, my cat, Morris has been trapped in the dairy freezer for three days, I need to get him out. We have a wedding to go to.
L: Who is getting married?
FNG: Not sure.
L: Hey Jerk editor, Capolo said you were unfit to hold the position as staff dentist, have no qualifications as a dentist and are in actuality just a paper bag. What do you have to say about these accusations?
FNG: [Laughs]. The guy was a dentist in the early 1990s. Filled a woman's cavity with mashed potatoes and cleaned another patient's teeth with a plastic knife and fork. Not exactly Dr. Harold Corcoran, am I right?
L: Who is Dr. Harold Corcoran?
FNG: This interview is over.
December 17, 2009
***Fat Neck Glenn Fired***
Fat Neck Glenn (aka "Fattie G") was fired today, approximately 6 hours after signing his new hire paperwork. The Hey Jerk team is stunned at this development as he reportedly beat out renowned local talent, Ringwald Chase, DDS for the position.
Reports are swirling that Dr. Glenn was let go due to inappropriate activities with a mouse. Deputies called to the office park were unable to determine whether said activities were had with a computer mouse or Microtus pennsylvanicus. Small gray hairs found at the scene of the crime are being analyzed in hopes that they will provide more detail on these horrendous allegations.
Due to the pending investigation, police have not yet actually charged Fattie G with a crime. Sources say "beastiality" and the oft-mentioned but infrequently used "lewd acts with office supplies and/or technical accessories" are both on the table.
Stay tuned for updates on this breaking news story.
Reports are swirling that Dr. Glenn was let go due to inappropriate activities with a mouse. Deputies called to the office park were unable to determine whether said activities were had with a computer mouse or Microtus pennsylvanicus. Small gray hairs found at the scene of the crime are being analyzed in hopes that they will provide more detail on these horrendous allegations.
Due to the pending investigation, police have not yet actually charged Fattie G with a crime. Sources say "beastiality" and the oft-mentioned but infrequently used "lewd acts with office supplies and/or technical accessories" are both on the table.
Stay tuned for updates on this breaking news story.
December 16, 2009
December 15, 2009
December 14, 2009
Readers vote Fat Neck Glenn site's new dentist
In a historic election, the Hey Jerk readers voted Fat Neck Glenn as the site's new dentist. Glenn, whose winning campaign began with a single write-in vote, received 37 of the 86 votes in landing the prestigious title. Chet Sanchez, the early leader before a video of him swallowing several pieces of sandpaper during a 1992 Spring Break contest surfaced, finished second with 17 votes. In a surprise finish, John Candy tallied two votes, more than double that of any other deceased person.
The official tally
Fat Neck Glenn - 37
Chet Sanchez - 17
Nope Bradley - 14
d. devito - 9
Donkey Face Nelson - 5
John Candy - 2
Larry - 2
LAST MINUTE ENTRY FOR JERK DENTIST
"Donkey Face" Nelson
Birth Name - Trevor Jones
DOB - 2/1/07
Nickname(s) - Donkey, Nostril Man, Bert
Accomplishments - Largest nose bleed, Pepawa County Summer Olympics - 1996
Skills - Straw eating, Dentistry
Comments - Married to Reba Gwandermeer - August, 1997
Birth Name - Trevor Jones
DOB - 2/1/07
Nickname(s) - Donkey, Nostril Man, Bert
Accomplishments - Largest nose bleed, Pepawa County Summer Olympics - 1996
Skills - Straw eating, Dentistry
Comments - Married to Reba Gwandermeer - August, 1997
Jerk receives late entry for Dentist position - Fat Neck Glenn
Please consider Fat Neck when choosing your candidate!
Fat Neck Glenn
Birth Name - Walter "Fat Neck" Glenn-Jixon Sr.
DOB - Unknown
Nickname(s) - Paperface, Ugly
Accomplishments - None
Skills - Good with salamanders. Once ate a live porpoise (April 1967)
Comments - Has a paper bag as a head
Fat Neck Glenn
Birth Name - Walter "Fat Neck" Glenn-Jixon Sr.
DOB - Unknown
Nickname(s) - Paperface, Ugly
Accomplishments - None
Skills - Good with salamanders. Once ate a live porpoise (April 1967)
Comments - Has a paper bag as a head
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