Less than two hours after Fat Neck Glenn was fired as staff dentist, Hey Jerk landed an exclusive interview with the disgraced Uruguagian, mainly because he remained camped outside the web site's downtown office arguing with a slice of bologna. Here's staff writer Larry's interview with Glenn.
Larry: What happened? You were voted by the readers as staff dentist, and less than 48 hours after the final vote was tallied, you were fired. Any explanation from the front office?
Fat Neck Glenn: They said 'we have pictures of you trying to staple a mouse to another mouse', but I think they were just intimidated by me.
L: How so?
FNG: I can hold an entire head of lettuce in my mouth.
L: It was reported you spent the days following your hire waiting outside the Hey Jerk office. Eye witness accounts have you singing inappropriate songs, making threatening gestures to an off-duty ice cream man and relieving yourself on the sidewalk. What really happened?
FNG: The singing was designed for me to keep warm. I've noticed Peggy Cliff Christmas albums tend to warm the sole, at least that's what I read on the jacket cover of her latest record I Saw Mommy Kissing Garret's Mommy. The ice cream man was asking for it, he kept telling me I couldn't handle a waffle cone. And the defecation was due to the fact that the Hey Jerk staffed refused to let me inside to use their facilities. I poo'd out of necessity. Anybody in my position would've plotzed just like I did.
L: There were also reports of you and some office supplies. Care to comment?
FNG: What I do with a staple remover is my business.
L: You won the dentist election thanks to a huge write-in candidacy, any explanation for the surge in election-night voting?
FNG: I threatened a bunch of people with a curling iron.
L: Any plans for the future?
FNG: Well, first, I'm going to finish this interview with you and go home. After that, I think I'm going to cash in my scratch-off ticket and buy a diet soda, really let go, have some fun before I get shipped off to the war.
L: Iraq?
FNG: Paymore grocery store #417. War on low produce prices, starts Friday afternoon.
L: So you have a new job at the grocery store?
FNG: Technically they told me to please leave or the authorities will be called and this time we're actually going to press charges. But I think they're bluffing. Besides, my cat, Morris has been trapped in the dairy freezer for three days, I need to get him out. We have a wedding to go to.
L: Who is getting married?
FNG: Not sure.
L: Hey Jerk editor, Capolo said you were unfit to hold the position as staff dentist, have no qualifications as a dentist and are in actuality just a paper bag. What do you have to say about these accusations?
FNG: [Laughs]. The guy was a dentist in the early 1990s. Filled a woman's cavity with mashed potatoes and cleaned another patient's teeth with a plastic knife and fork. Not exactly Dr. Harold Corcoran, am I right?
L: Who is Dr. Harold Corcoran?
FNG: This interview is over.
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