Have you always wondered what would happen if the 2004 Boston Red Sox took on the 2011 Hey Jerk Bison in a best of 7 series? Well wonder no more, because the Jerk is bringing you exclusive game by game coverage of the mythical series, with an outcome that should surprise no one.
Game 1 - Hey Jerk Amphitheatre - New Gary, Ohio
Boston starts Curt "I painted my sock red for dramatic effect" Schilling, hoping to get the series kicked off on the right foot. The Bison counter with Kurt Ashirmin, all-world knuckleballer and eggplant aficianado. After one inning of play, the score remains tied at 0. However, in the second inning, Hey Jerk trots out slugger Harry Breswold with the bases loaded (Ruso, Christensen, Zin) and belts one to northern Missouri, giving the Bison an early 4-0. Schilling, distressed, removes his left shoe and runs to left field screaming, leading to a disqualification.
Hey Jerk 4, Red Sox 0 - Hey Jerk up 1 game to 0
Game 2 - Hey Jerk Amphitheatre - New Gary, Ohio
In an effort to confuse the Red Sox, the Bison once again start Kurt Ashirmin, to the surprise of a capacity crowed of 12. Confused, Pedro Martinez throws heater after heater right down the coolie, which leads to an early 47-0 Hey Jerk lead in the top of the first. With 1 out and the bases juiced, Mirk Reeso comes to the plate and sends a ball via coolie to southern Australia. The Red Sox remove their pants and run off the field, ending the game with 1/3 inning played.
Hey Jerk 51, Red Sox 0 - Hey Jerk up 2 games to 0
Game 3 - Fenway Park - Boston, MS
Boston comes home down 2-0 but feels good about their chances with Josh "fat face" Beckett on the hill. The Bison counter with Stevey Christensen, the wild and unneffective chubby starter from Scranton, PA. Beckett works a perfect first inning, and the Red Sox lay 14 on Christensen in the first, leading manager Gub Faalib to head to the bullpen and his trusted lefty, B.J. Kuvacheck. The score remains 14-0 until the top of the ninth, when Ashirmin, Reeso and Co. begin to pour it on, hitting Beckett with a line drive and assassinating him. Boston, in shock, turns the ball over to David Ortiz, who walks in 17 runs consecutively. The Bison bring in closer Skip Musso, who strikes out the side in the ninth and ends it with his patented Gorilla Dance ©.
Hey Jerk 17, Red Sox 14 - Hey Jerk up 3 games to 0
Game 4 - Fenway Park - Boston, MS
With their season on the line, Boston makes a bold decision and changes their team name to the Gary Sox. They come out on fired with Timmy Wakefield, 83 at the time, on the mound. The Bison have other ideas, however, as Morris Ashirman leads off with a homer over that stupid, ugly wall in left field. That would be all Kurt Ashirmin, on the hill for a third time this series, would need. Ashirmin goes 27 up, 27 down for the perfect game and celebrates on Fenway by removing his underwear and urinating and defacating all over the mound.
Hey Jerk 1, Gary Sox 0 - Hey Jerk wins World Series 4 games to 0
So thats it folks, thats how it went down. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either a liar, and idiot, or didnt read their history books. Ashirman goes down as the only player in MLB history to pitch a perfect game in the World Series and then relieve himself on the mound.
- Staff Onion Henry Forbush
1 comment:
The Redsox stink!
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