Rocky vs. Marsupial

Mr. Balboa had no idea he was about to face his toughest opponent yet.

Wish I'd gotten a dog...

Baywatch in Snakes

Walter the Walrus

Later that day, Walter decided it was finally time to visit the eye doctor.

Grinold Goes Poo

Grinold backed away from his car and found the perfect, secluded spot to pop a squat.

When Bad Things Happen to Good Bananas

Have you ever asked yourself...

"Huh, when did I eat corn?"

Finally, Staff Dinkus Hired

Gerald Dinkus, an uncircumsized penis with 20/400 vision, has been hired to take on the role of Staff Dinkus.

Dinkus



After going nearly a year without a Staff Dinkus, it was decided by senior management that the blog could not take the next step towards world domination without a Dinkus on staff.

"I've got a cheese problem, and I tend to stink, but I'm going to bring a new type of odor to this blog. And watch out for me in chess. Don't challenge me."

Please join us in welcoming Gerald to our staff.

- Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp

Faalib Era Ends

Gub Faalib, former staff idiot, has been eaten by Maury Dinkus, according to Blinz County police chief Melik Ruso. Faalib, who spent more than 50 years in a Chinese prison and nearly four hours in the parking lot of a Chinese prison, was reciting his famous poem "10 Things I Glued Onto You" when Dinkus started snacking. Several staff members, including editors Capolo and Eddie Xomcheese were present at the time, but refused to help Faalib.

"The man had four arms. If I was really hungry and I saw Faalib, I probably would've eaten him, too," said Capolo. "Besides, he sawed off half of my desk chair and also tried to sleep with my ex-houseplant, Martha. I'm glad he's dead."

"Faalib? I've never heard of her," said Xomcheese.

The Faalib funeral will be held this Sunday at 3:00 p.m.; insects and sweat cups will be served.

Clyde Jackson Hired

Clyde Jackson has been hired as Staff Ron.

Jackson


- Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp

Zipprio Hired

Lance Zipprio
Position: Staff Smell

Faalib Hired

Gub Faalib, once imprisoned for over 50 years in a Chinese prison, has been brought on by Staff Hirer Rob Blompton. Faalib has agreed in principle to take on the role of Staff Idiot, while receiving absolutely no compensation from the Jerk.

Faalib

"I've got ova fowty yeahs expewience in the ideeut industree."

Other than making that statement, Faalib quickly retreated to the office playground and is believed to be hiding out inside the enclosed slide.

- Staff Lead Correspondent Stinky Phopp

BREAKING: Rainbow, Feathers Found Fornicating in 7th Floor Janitorial Closet

Breaking news here at The Jerk, as Oscar Rainbow, recently placed in the custody of local homosexual lunatic Bobby Feathers, was found fornicating with Mr. Feathers in the closet on the east side of the 7th floor. Neither man had pants on when found, and Mr. Feathers ran screaming, pantless, to the 12th floor women's restroom - 4th stall.


Rainbow (Gay)




Feathers (Gay)



Rainbow, upon being unglued from the furnace, re-pantsed himself and had the following to say:

"Bobby and I have known each other for over an hour, and we are in love. Through our fornication, a new power at this blog has been conceived. I introduce you all to Cotton Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers."

Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers


Mr. Scoomgongy Rainbow-Feathers, whose grandfather's name was Ralph Scoomgongy, has been immediately hired on as Staff Infant. Please welcome Rainbow-Feathers to our blog.

As far as Editor Rainbow, he is now out of the closet and fully prepared for war with Xomcheese.

- Beau Fimmons

Corcoran Hired

After a long wait of 14+ years, Rory Corcoran has finally been granted his sole lifelong wish: employment at The Jerk. In the wee hours of this morning, a contract was finalized which will keep Corcoran on staff through Friday, serving as Staff Underwear.

"I'm honored, its a lifelong dream. I'll do everything in my power to sniff as many skid marks as I can."

Corcoran (Most likely soon to be killed)

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Corcoran, formerly Mrs. Tinkleman, to our staff.

- JP Jones

Rainbow Put In Protective Custody

Fearing a backlash from the Xomcheese suspension, editor Oscar Rainbow, longtime enemy to the Xomcheese family and its cottage cheese agenda, has been placed in protective custody in the 7th floor janitorial closet. I will looking after Rainbow and teaching him to speak salamander, while also feeding him poisonous thumb tacks and playing him Bunk Wombat records.

Please do not attempt to search for or contact Rainbow as he will be glued to the furnace, as per request.

Xomcheese Put On Suspension

Staff editor Ed Xomcheese has been put on an indefinite suspension, according to Jerry the Canary. Xomcheese has been on a downward spiral ever since his infamous Nostril-invasion tape surfaced on the internet.

Stay tuned to the Jerk for further updates.