RAINBOW BACK, REMAINS UNSTABLE

O. Rainbow stumbled back to Jerk headquarters this morning in an extremely unusual outfit. While Rainbow has not yet clearly spoken, he has been heard mumbling incoherently about what can only be understood as "Glenn will return......."

That said, the staff here has decided to reluctantly welcome Rainbow back on, and to facilitate his complete recovery from lingering insanity issues and walnut addiction. Look for further Rainbow updates\insane ramblings from the man himself in the near future.

Oscar Rainbow - 9:43 AM - 1/11/10

Outside Jerk Headquarters

Hey jerk, get your lizard off my lawn

Rainbow update

January 8, 2:21 p.m. - Patient Oscar Rainbow has escaped from Quinkley Asylum, according to staff nurse Dorothy Tanin.

This photo was taken outside Rainbow's room just minutes after his escape:

Hey jerk, get your rotini noodle off my lawn

Letter from Quinkley Asylum

I asked for a straight jacket and they gave me a rain coat and the pockets were filled with tomato sauce. Can I get a piece of bread?

That rat ran off with my pencil! How am I going to be able to write down what the tadpole in my shoe is saying without my pencil? They said I could bring one item with me into this Merleforsaken place, so I took Randy, my tadpole. He's been with me through thick and thin. Thick and thin. Thinking thin. Thunking Sid. Sid and Jan. Thickly Sam.

Where was he?

Right. I was writing limericks on the wall a minute ago:

There once was a

That's as far as I've gotten.

It's probably best that I'm here. I remember my father trying to take me to an insane asylum when I was 10. I got out of it by telling him I was president of a unibrow company. He wasn't very smart, but amongst his fellow staplers, he was a genius.

I'll tell you who put me here, it's that ear hole, Glenn. He's had it in for me ever since the olive wars of '09. Carpetsweepercouchfiberrottenmashedpotatokitchen.

Vote Ernie Kellog mayor of ernietown.

What was that?

Dinner is served the chubby guy said, but all I see is a bunch of raccoons running around in the court yard.

The oily one just yelled all you can eat and now the other inmates are running around with knives and forks, chasing the raccoons.

I think I'm going to like it here.


1/7/10 4:15 p.m.




Quinkley

RAINBOW DEEMED UNSTABLE, SENT ON LEAVE

*** BREAKING NEWS - RAINBOW "HYSTERICAL, INSANE, MUMBLING"***

Staff contributer and co-founder was abruptly asked to take an indefinite leave of absense today, after speculation amongst blog staff began to grow about whether or not Oscar was mentally sane. After screaming "Glenn lives!" for the larger part of an hour and streaking around the office in a walnut, the authorities were contacted and Rainbow was taken to the asylum. In a hysterical state, Rainbow vowed "Ill be back in about a half hour."

This is the last known picture of Rainbow. His leave from the blog is indefinite but will most likely be over in an hour or so.

Son of Fat Neck Glenn speaks

MULKLEY VILLAGE, CW - Abner Glenn, son of disgraced former Hey Jerk staff dentist Fat Neck Glenn, spoke in front of his mailbox, early Wednesday, defending his father.

My father did not deserve to be fired from his job as staff dentist. Sure, he probably deserved to be fired from his grocery store manager's job, with all the rules they have now about chewing fruit and putting it back on the shelf and attempting to sell it. And I guess his work as a human lawnmower didn't end well after emptying his "bag" on the Peterson's dining room table in the summer of '82. But the recent firing was unjust and the parking lot olive war had very little to do with my father. And let me dispel a few other rumors:

1. My father has never performed dental work with a plastic spoon.
2. In his 20+ years of practicing dentistry, my father has only filled a patient's cavity with mashed potatoes once, and that was because the label was improperly marked.
3. If a patient is forced to stand up while my father performs surgery, it is because he is intensely self-conscious of his height (1'4).
4. No patient of my father's has ever been instructed to brush their teeth with Sour Patch Kids.

I hope this helps clear my father's name.


Abner Glenn

STAFF LAWYER HIRED

With the recent developments involving the termination of former staff dentist F. Glenn, the staff here at the Jerk believed that hiring a lawyer was essential to the guaranteed continuation of business here at the blog. Therefore, we would like to introduce our new staff lawyer!


Vanderells Bwon



Name: Clifford Vanderells Bwon
DOB: 4
Height\Weight: 1'7" 14 lbs
Abode: Hollow loaf of marble rye
Spouse: Gary Jenkins
Accomplishments: 2009 - completed two classes at Keech Law School. Expelled for water fountain theft.
Comments: No arms. Likes water chestnuts.

Letters

Hey jerk, get your rooster off my lawn

Jerk Hires F.N. Glenn Replacement

The staff at The Jerk is glad to announce the hiring of a new staff dentist, Jerry Jerry, DDS. Jerry comes with a long list of prior accomplishments, highlighted by the Cheetah molar pull of 1973 (Frompsville). Please join us here in welcoming Jerry to the staff!


Jerry Jerry, DDS



Name - Jerome Jerry, Jr.

Occupation: Dentist, Librarian

DOB - ?\?\1942

Spouse: Geraldine Jerry (1937)

Accomplishments: Cheetah Molar Pull, Tricycle ridden at age 12, rode a whale across a creek in his backyard (1943)

Comments: Has a piece of poo in place of eyebrows, lives on a backyard patio.

Unknown jerk mowing lawn

Letter to the editors

Darren (reginald77@hotmail.com) sent his depiction of the Hey Jerk staff:

Hey jerk, get your celery off my lawn

[Editor's note - guest contributor Bobby Feathers appears courtesy of Snarling Cricket Records]

Hey jerk, Santa fell down on my lawn

T-shirts depicting staff writer's reduction in salary now available

To order, call 555-9991