Durmont hired

In local Durmont news, Dwayne Dudley "Darren" Durmont has been hired as staff Durmont, pending the results of the 52-year old's elbow removal surgery.

"If it's a clean shaving of the elbows, he's hired. No questions asked. But if it takes us bringing in extra people, who have to be paid overtime and have to be given room and boar, then that's an entirely different discussion we're going to have. This was also an entirely different discussion we had. I'm going to jot that down in my discussion book."

- Anonymous

Durmont's career goes back to the late-1970s when he was 2nd-chair tuba in the Clarkston Dwayneharmonic. After being tried and convicted of smuggling doughnuts into the United States in his tuba (Durmont Dmuggles Doughnuts - San Paneeko Times, October, 1981), Durmont was sentenced to 25 years with lice underneath the dining room table of Carl and Maryjo Zimmerman.

  
Durmont in happier times (Staff photo: Jo hee-jo Pong)


Upon his release in January, 2007, Durmont began searching for Jesus, but has yet to Find him.

"I did find him," Durmont said later in 2007, while pointing to a man later identified as Herman Waxler.

Durmont's pet salamander, Linda Bakersfield, will not be joining the staff, as had been previously reported.

"Forgotten 7" found

Michael Vick: "I wasn't Prepared"

Michael Vick was not "prepared" to come in against the Chargers last week. Things Michael Vick was preparing for:

- Apple Picking Contest - Arddsale, Virginia
- Last night's burrito "fighting back" in stall 4c - Jets Locker Room
- Political Debate - Foreign Relations - Section 213
- "Dancing with the Stars" - Scheduled viewing of Tuesday night's re-run
- Impromptu sideline breakdancing tournament - double elimination
- Scheduled feeding of his pet walrus, Walt - 4:30 PM EST
- Urinating on the fan in Section 114, Row B, Seat 9 - "Religious"
- Trying on mother's maternity pants, "as discussed"
- RBI Baseball Tournament - "It's New York's Turn"
- Early morning bagel preparation - need to be IN BED by 3:30 PM EST
- Rex Ryan Neck Massage - Between Third and Fourth Quarter

And Finally....

- Potential Cheetah Invasion

- Staff moron Oscar Q. Rainbow

Ronnie Machine Located

"The Ronnie Family has Arrived." - Ronald Ronnie, Sr.

That was the announcement made by President Ronnie upon his arrival at Hartsfield Jackson Airport just moments ago. Details were not offered, but the Atlanta Police Department did offer this juicy tidbit:

"The Ronnie Family is here." - Chief of Police Elevator Ploop Jr. 

Be on high alert. The Ronnie's are internationally renowned "smack" smugglers and are also wanted for several Yahtzee scam operations. 

- Staff President Wilbur Wen

Quote of the Day - Toronto Maple Leafs President Brendan Shanahan

"The puck is something we need to possess more."

- Brendan Shanahan

New names for Capolo Henderson

Com-pelio

"Cah" "Pohlo"

Corvit Compelio

Capolo Q

Kee-Kee Henderdonk

C-Henderson-C

Polo C. Ahenderson

Kirby Capowlo

Capoolio Henderson

C.C. Hender-Polo

Ca? Po....lo?

[Source: Capolo Weekly - September 5-11]

"Squiggleshitz Passes On...

...to a better life." - Brian Roberts

Barnard Squiggleshitz has left us here on Planet Derner, passing his soft-serve ice cream at approximately 3:05 p.m. MUST (Murray Standard Time).

"Squiggey was my best friend. I'm really really going to miss him." - microwave

The former 47, 48 and 49-year old leaves behind "dozens of unopened pieces of mail" (Didier Illustrated, Vol. 13, Issue 17), an autographed picture of former New York Pecans right fielder Dominic Dom-D'Mog'io, two tickets to Ketchup On Ice and a delicious recipe for Sandpaper Pasta written on a sheet of yellow, lined paper.

"And a VHS copy of the 1977 motion picture Another Girl Named Tiffany at Tiffany's." - Pastor/Bassist Bobby Feathers

Squiggleshitz's position as staff photograph of an onion has already been filled by a video of an unidentified man stepping on an onion.

[onion] - anonymous

President Hu Returns

President Hu, last seen traversing the Pacific Ocean in an attempt to increase drunken walrus awareness, has returned to HQ and will take over as Staff President, effective immediately. Thus ends the era of Sylvan Snugg, who did nothing and was thoroughly disliked.

Snugg was found in his cubicle on the C-wing of floor 144 this morning.

Snugg (Dead)

President Hu

Expect Hu's first order of business to be urinal removal on floor 26.

- Staff Moron Bob Feathers

RBI - The Tourney

RBI - The Tourney

Yetz family tree released

Final exam

Test taken by: Bobby Feathers

June 28, 2014

1. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

No

2. Are you prepared for the day when God sends his only son, Jesus from heaven?

What do 500 WELCOME JESUS cupcakes tell you?

3. Do you reject Satan?

If he's going to drive the lane with some weak, "prep school floater", I'm going to let him know this is my house, and you don't bring that weak stuff into my house.

Note: if the game was being played at Satan's house (hell or perhaps the Palumbo Center - go Dukes!), then in my answer we'd have to twice replace the word 'house' with 'lane' or 'painted area'.

4. Where do you think sinners who don't repent go after they die?

O'Charley's

5. Do you expect to go to heaven when you die?

Let's just say the things I expect for myself you could fit into the 'Grand Can'.

It's a brand of Vienna sausages they have at the Shell station down the street from my apartment.

6. If your answer to question 1 was 'no', isn't it now time for you to accept Jesus Christ as your savior?

No

Staff Car Hired

Alberto "El Coche" Th'Car has been hired on as Staff Car.

Th'Car

Th'Car Bio

Name: Albertovitch Juan-Pablo Adam Terry Eduardo Th'Car

Nickname: "El Coche" , "Coolie Inspector" , "Ed" , "El Presidente" , "Layla Woo"

DOB: 1997

Make: Mazda 6 Series

Facial Hair: Mustache, sometimes shaven (August, 1988)

Spot Number: 216

Murders: Yes

Spouse: Cooliemobile, Married September 2008


Alberto joins us from his previous employer, Kroger, where he was responsible for all Mule related inquiries and Mule related meats. Prior to Kroger, Alberto was a fast food manager at Capolosmellslikeonions.blogspot.com. Prior to that, Alberto was a serial killer in Taiwan. Prior to that, Alberto was not alive.

Fun Fact: Alberto starred in the 1977 remake of "Has Anyone Located Abraham Lincoln's Left Shoe? For the Love of Christ!" alongside Winston Pock. The film lasted 3 days in theaters and was later declared "Worst Film Ever Made" by the New York Post.

Please join us in welcoming Mr. Th'Car to our staff.

- Staff Dead Moron Darren Durly

Poomb's nose declared national landmark

An historic event has taken place as Oswald Poomb, "the turkey sandwich of Moosh Valley Farms" (Dansby Times, May, 1976) has had his nose declared a national landmark.

That nation, Hyborg-44, has been in political turmoil since late-2011 after the election of the first hot dog bun mayor. A special ceremony honoring the nose will take place at the Hyborg-44 town square on June 24. Pieces of Jerry Poomb will be served, as per the family's request.

Poomb's nose, which contains retired librarian Linda Bell & the surviving members of the musical group Eggs For Craigs, turned 44-years old in April.

Shosha Shash is DEAD!

Shosha Shash, longtime Assistant to Harvey Boclimint, has perished. 

Shash (Dead)

It is believed that Shoshanivich Shash Jr. took his own life via owl. No further details were given, but the owl, Ken, is alive and being placed with a foster family by authorities. 

Lenny the Hippo was not involved. Please direct any Lenny the Hippo concerns to Staff Gerald Fred Flumm (geraldfredflummjr@gmail.com).

- Staff Correspondent Vidal Nuno

Capolo names: the month that was

Capolo Henderson Name List

Began: 5/12/14 at 3:00 p.m. EST
Ended:  6/12/14 at 3:24 p.m. EST

Hal Hofferbach
Wilbur Donnafee
Detlef Schrempf
Yonayme Shtinkks
N’Name Gooch
Medium Sized Gill
Edwin B’Donk
Pupu Votto
Akahiro Potaka
C Sabathia
Charlston Wolfey
Larry Lahoo
Phil Glubley
Nini Nockafocka
Nono N’Yes
Juan Caba
Warren Hoovo
Gary Gahoo
Ol’ Man Farley
Rafael Poobah
Jacques Plutarski
Billy Bobbowitz
Horatio Horootio
Alfredo Aceves
Jacoby Ellsbury
Big Ern Brozway
Norman Bly
Harold Blutarsky
Heinrich Spectorwuggles
Donald Ponycack
Dustin Takarsky
Robbie Torcatchio
Billy McDung
Ron Reagan
Juju Johnstone
Scott Sizemore
Alfonso Soriano
William Badinsky
Warren Spahn
Juju Jacob Johnstone
Make-Make Callaway
Lars Lahoo
Calvin Esposito
Hectie Flubb
Pablo PaChoochio
Specialtimes McGinty
Ed Dequantaviousdequantaviasmith
Lil’ Clint Hurdle Jr.
Joe Girardi
Harold Horrssen
Billy Jablonski
Cools delCoolie
Farts O’Zimsky
Gas McIntyre
Arnold Vosloo
Shtark Shtusso
Arn Bebop
Horace Bwonk
U.C. Harris
Dudrop Dwayne Dockberry
Stan Woomp
Wind-pass McInfoot
Guy.
Harold O’Boompkey
Quality Jackson
Harold
Larry Hooheh
Juan Dredger
Gregg Poppovich
Clyde
Ooogo Zuck
Vincent del Negro
Hiney Alfalfa-Smith
Takacall Inthirtyminootes
CC Sabathia
Perry Wallbeansak
Moistgas Johnson Jr.
Nards Kiwipants
Buttsniff Gerard
Fronk Fwink
“The doctor”
Bertie Plutshack
Edwinacio Burfomp-Jickson
Dequeeshon Furly-Jickson
Calmdown Wilson
Therangerswintonight Wahoo
Joseph-a Torre
Lenny Torre
Guissipe Girardi
Nathan Bummwith
Harold Bushaman
Pacers Organization
Chuck Barkley
Frank Miller
Devo “Squeak Squeak” Motkovich
Theyankees Fukkingstink
Bobbo Bakateeyah
Pupu Asimoiou
Joey Guags
Lilguy Chestnut
David Roberston
Inquiry Calhoun
Phonecall Clemente
Eddie Rectalthermometer Jr.
Buck Analpea
Felix the Belix
Willy Mooshupork
Thenewyorkyankeessuck Smith
Colleen Phui
Billy Schoose
Chuchie Chiggamonga
Arin Horong
Vinnie “The Shitstain” Coracci
Ralph Macchio
Youppi
Howard Bwinkley
Pablo Montoya
Erik Spoelstra
Hizzi-Hizzy Bo’Shonrashan
O’Zimsky
Gerald Poopo
Trev-Farrell Sackowind
Bob Bobbe
Coolie Odor Smith
Connor Quenkel
Poopy Francis
Inquiry Calhoun
Anuke Fron
Art Bumkley
Shmogel Fetterpit
Remy Godwin-Jickson
Clyde Chestnut
Voicemail Harold
Nope Bradley DDS
Tito Bosklovich
Rufus T. Bagwell
Claudius Sheckel
Paco Eggnacio
Wayne-Wayne Finkel
Wendell Funkberry
George Smith
Wayne Doo-Rag Finkel
Poopy Jackson
Elvoth Femmingshire
Irwin Flemp
D'Queckish Durly