April 16, 2020
April 8, 2020
Remembering: Nolan Pelcher
1941-1988, 1990-2020, 2021-?
"Nolan? Oh, sure. Sure, you bet I remember Nolan Belsner."
- longtime friend Linda Vickio
"Nolan? Oh, sure. Sure, you bet I remember Nolan Belsner."
- longtime friend Linda Vickio
March 24, 2020
Fungus family plays to 0-0 score; rest of game to be completed at later date
After 50 minutes of game action and one cream corn hose theft, the Fungus family's annual basketball game to raise awareness of the sun (FFABGTRAOTS) was stopped at 7:33 p.m. eastern time Tuesday.
With the scoreless tie still in tact, Maglio League officials decided to suspend the game and restart at a later date. At a post-game emergency meeting, which included a 1988 photograph of former league commissioner Jill Frank, the following dates were considered finalists for the completion of the game:
July 6
July 7 (100th anniversary of the attack on Turkey Drumstick Hill)
January 11, 2021
March 22, 2021 (full-size cardboard cut out of Bernie Zipper to first 10,000 fans)
Both teams had chances to end the scoreless tie.
Anne Fungus' fadeaway jumper at the 24:00 minute mark was eaten by a rhinoceros, Toby Fungus ran onto a different basketball court and converted a lay up with 12 minutes to play that wasn't counted, and Hillary Blunch's windmill dunk while holding a roast beef on wheat with just under three minutes to play also didn't count since she wasn't an original participant in the game.
"I'm still going to use that in my arbitration case," said Blunch, 37 in oatmeal.
Fans in attendance were hoping to see a basket as that would've automatically given each a free drawing of a peanut from local business Pete's Peanuts. One fan, Janice Maglio, wife of former disgraced politician Joseph Maglio II, stapled herself to the court in protest.
"I'm not getting the staple remover until I get my peanut drawing," said Janice, whose head is made of iceberg lettuce.
July 6
July 7 (100th anniversary of the attack on Turkey Drumstick Hill)
January 11, 2021
March 22, 2021 (full-size cardboard cut out of Bernie Zipper to first 10,000 fans)
Both teams had chances to end the scoreless tie.
Anne Fungus' fadeaway jumper at the 24:00 minute mark was eaten by a rhinoceros, Toby Fungus ran onto a different basketball court and converted a lay up with 12 minutes to play that wasn't counted, and Hillary Blunch's windmill dunk while holding a roast beef on wheat with just under three minutes to play also didn't count since she wasn't an original participant in the game.
"I'm still going to use that in my arbitration case," said Blunch, 37 in oatmeal.
Fans in attendance were hoping to see a basket as that would've automatically given each a free drawing of a peanut from local business Pete's Peanuts. One fan, Janice Maglio, wife of former disgraced politician Joseph Maglio II, stapled herself to the court in protest.
"I'm not getting the staple remover until I get my peanut drawing," said Janice, whose head is made of iceberg lettuce.
March 12, 2020
Hank Quebec Appointed President
Henry (HANK) Quebec has been named President of the Jerk by former President Bobby Blue, who will immediately take on the Head Poo Officer position.
"It's what I've fought for." - Bob Blue
Quebec
Quebec announced immediate sweeping changes to the loser Blue's regime, starting with all bathroom facilities being left "un-cleaned" until the 2025-2026 season.
- Staff Correspondent Bobby Blue
"It's what I've fought for." - Bob Blue
Quebec
Quebec announced immediate sweeping changes to the loser Blue's regime, starting with all bathroom facilities being left "un-cleaned" until the 2025-2026 season.
- Staff Correspondent Bobby Blue
February 8, 2020
Ploop Jr. hired, eliminated
Ernest Ploop Jr., son of Ernest Ploop and daughter of Jeanine Li and apricot, was hired early Saturday morning, then eaten on a nice, sesame seed bun.
Ploop Jr., son of Timothy and Gail Boddicker (1934-1955), was a starting small forward for the Indiana Pacers and eventually starred in the 2002 play Death of a Salesman's Camry.
It's the first Ploop family hire since Arthur Ploop was brought on as staff turnip in the late-1990s.
"No, that's not true," said Arthur Ploop.
Ploop Jr., son of Timothy and Gail Boddicker (1934-1955), was a starting small forward for the Indiana Pacers and eventually starred in the 2002 play Death of a Salesman's Camry.
It's the first Ploop family hire since Arthur Ploop was brought on as staff turnip in the late-1990s.
"No, that's not true," said Arthur Ploop.
December 26, 2019
Blue Hired
Former Portland Stars Outfielder Bobby Blue has been hired on as Staff President.
Blue
Blue, who famously once ate an entire elephant during the 5th inning of a Portland/San Juan ballgame, is thrilled to usher in a new era here at The Jerk.
"Oscar Rainbow will be hunted down and killed. That is my first order of business. Until this happens, I will not make any other public statements. Go Cowboys!" - Staff President Bobby Blue
Blue barricaded himself into his office on the 133rd floor east wing and hasn't been seen since being hired three weeks ago.
- Staff Correspondent Hippo Footshit
Blue
Blue, who famously once ate an entire elephant during the 5th inning of a Portland/San Juan ballgame, is thrilled to usher in a new era here at The Jerk.
"Oscar Rainbow will be hunted down and killed. That is my first order of business. Until this happens, I will not make any other public statements. Go Cowboys!" - Staff President Bobby Blue
Blue barricaded himself into his office on the 133rd floor east wing and hasn't been seen since being hired three weeks ago.
- Staff Correspondent Hippo Footshit
July 19, 2019
July 5, 2019
Rare photo of Erwin Zlipp found
[Thanks to the Zlipp Family Archives for permission to use this photograph.
For other inquiries: cathereinezlipp@gmail.com]
June 16, 2019
Three hired late Sunday
DES MOINES, Ia. - Three new hires were announced late Sunday as Billy, Billy's right ear, Gavin, and left ear, Olivia were all added as part of the closing ceremonies to Vince Fest.
The first three-time Vince Fest gold medalist, Vince Piccilo, threw out the ceremonial last pineapple at the ceremonies, then drank a bottle of Kiwi Splash shampoo to honor his fellow countryman, Billy. Billy was the most-recent two-time gold medalist from Antarctica.
"It's a great day to be a Billy. This hire was a long time coming," said Piccilo, who began chewing on his right wrist.
Billy, formerly a staff writer on the television show Capolo Henderson Today, will immediately begin work on the site's first-ever ice cream cone commuter bridge. Gavin's responsibilities include listening for the door bell (Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays), while Olivia has to first pass an earwax physical before becoming the first left ear in staff history.
"Truly honored to be here," Olivia said to Tim Yokum's right ear, Joe.
Olivia and Joe have been dating for the past two years and are planning to wed in late-August, pending approval by Joe's father, Henry Carson's left knee cap.
The first three-time Vince Fest gold medalist, Vince Piccilo, threw out the ceremonial last pineapple at the ceremonies, then drank a bottle of Kiwi Splash shampoo to honor his fellow countryman, Billy. Billy was the most-recent two-time gold medalist from Antarctica.
"It's a great day to be a Billy. This hire was a long time coming," said Piccilo, who began chewing on his right wrist.
Billy, formerly a staff writer on the television show Capolo Henderson Today, will immediately begin work on the site's first-ever ice cream cone commuter bridge. Gavin's responsibilities include listening for the door bell (Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays), while Olivia has to first pass an earwax physical before becoming the first left ear in staff history.
"Truly honored to be here," Olivia said to Tim Yokum's right ear, Joe.
Olivia and Joe have been dating for the past two years and are planning to wed in late-August, pending approval by Joe's father, Henry Carson's left knee cap.
June 12, 2019
"Durly!"
- first edition, Derner Times, June 12, 2019
BOULDER, Co. - The Durly Experience, sponsored by Crugg Dish Soap, continues despite protests outside mayor kiwi's house.
The armless Helmut Durly, who last was seen starring in the reality TV show Doughnut Shop Drive-Thru, has been brought on as an intern at the site. Durly's responsibilities will include Dennis locator (Southwest United States) and apple core eulogy director. He's the 90th Durly to be given a job, helping the family break the Lump family record of 89 set in the late-1870s.
"It's an honor, it really, really is," said Durly, while washing his 1997 Camaro with apple sauce.
Helmut's father-in-law, Darren, declined comment, though he did throw a bag of onions in the Pacific Ocean, then retrieve the bag while wearing a giraffe costume, a family tradition for centuries.
BOULDER, Co. - The Durly Experience, sponsored by Crugg Dish Soap, continues despite protests outside mayor kiwi's house.
The armless Helmut Durly, who last was seen starring in the reality TV show Doughnut Shop Drive-Thru, has been brought on as an intern at the site. Durly's responsibilities will include Dennis locator (Southwest United States) and apple core eulogy director. He's the 90th Durly to be given a job, helping the family break the Lump family record of 89 set in the late-1870s.
"It's an honor, it really, really is," said Durly, while washing his 1997 Camaro with apple sauce.
Helmut's father-in-law, Darren, declined comment, though he did throw a bag of onions in the Pacific Ocean, then retrieve the bag while wearing a giraffe costume, a family tradition for centuries.
June 10, 2019
Budward Skoonch Located (UPDATE: DEAD)
Budward "Buddy" Skoonch, missing since the urinal door fire of '97, has been located at a small diner known for their "fish and chips" just outside of Jerkville, Utah.
Unfortunately for all involved, Skoonch didn't make it through.
Skoonch
"The first officer on scene was Officer D. Morris. As soon as he noticed Skoonch laying under that tractor-trailer, he knew he had been Steven'd by a group of local drug addicted Stevens. Unfortunately, its become all too common around these parts." - onlooker Jerry Fudge
After being Steven'd, Skoonch was run over by a tractor-trailer and almost completely eaten by the rabid, cannibal Stevens.
Skoonch's remains (left hand) will be on display for the next 12 months in the 31st floor womens' restroom.
- Staff Correspondent DeeDee DooDooDee
Unfortunately for all involved, Skoonch didn't make it through.
Skoonch
"The first officer on scene was Officer D. Morris. As soon as he noticed Skoonch laying under that tractor-trailer, he knew he had been Steven'd by a group of local drug addicted Stevens. Unfortunately, its become all too common around these parts." - onlooker Jerry Fudge
After being Steven'd, Skoonch was run over by a tractor-trailer and almost completely eaten by the rabid, cannibal Stevens.
Skoonch's remains (left hand) will be on display for the next 12 months in the 31st floor womens' restroom.
- Staff Correspondent DeeDee DooDooDee
Durly the clown added to team
Current clown roster
[Season begins July 1]
Feathers the clown - 2B
Durly the clown - RF
clown (apricot) - SS
Stan Boomf the clown - 1B
Clown! - CF
Meredith Brownlee the clown - LF
Puddles the clown - 3B
clown (seedless grape) - C
Jerome Paulsen the clown - INF
Didier the clown - OF
clown (oak tree) - SP
that clown over there - SP
Dr. Crugg the clown - SP
the round clown of rebound - SP
retired clown Henry Gibbs the clown - RP
Oscar Rainbow the clown (1987-2019) - RP
[Season begins July 1]
Feathers the clown - 2B
Durly the clown - RF
clown (apricot) - SS
Stan Boomf the clown - 1B
Clown! - CF
Meredith Brownlee the clown - LF
Puddles the clown - 3B
clown (seedless grape) - C
Jerome Paulsen the clown - INF
Didier the clown - OF
clown (oak tree) - SP
that clown over there - SP
Dr. Crugg the clown - SP
the round clown of rebound - SP
retired clown Henry Gibbs the clown - RP
Oscar Rainbow the clown (1987-2019) - RP
June 9, 2019
Farley Flumf - HIRED
Farley Flumf, longtime idiot over at that stupid blog Id Like To Change Some Classes, has been hired. Flumf will take over as Staff Moron, replacing long-time moron Bobby Feathers.
Flumf
Those with "inside" knowledge of the hire believe that Flumf will be dead within an hour.
Stay tuned for more episodes of "Who's Flumf?" every hour on the hour here at Hey Jerk TV.
- Staff Moron Bobby Feathers
Flumf
Those with "inside" knowledge of the hire believe that Flumf will be dead within an hour.
Stay tuned for more episodes of "Who's Flumf?" every hour on the hour here at Hey Jerk TV.
- Staff Moron Bobby Feathers
New staff announced
Several new staff members were added Sunday morning, including staff vice president Kiki Leech,
who arrived by wheat bread boat just a few hours ago.
Also hired:
Emissions: bacon bits trucks
Jenna Plunk
Couch - 44th floor lounge
Dimes/nickels: Gladys Marbury
Hair, etc: Warren Wayshore
Pointing at rain drops (summer), snow (winter)
Gwen Crugg
Earlobe
Wei Sui-Bing
Human-to-blueberry transition
Timothy Ash
Envelope-related paper cuts/sealing envelopes
Horace Stanton Jr.
who arrived by wheat bread boat just a few hours ago.
Also hired:
Emissions: bacon bits trucks
Jenna Plunk
Couch - 44th floor lounge
Dimes/nickels: Gladys Marbury
Hair, etc: Warren Wayshore
Pointing at rain drops (summer), snow (winter)
Gwen Crugg
Earlobe
Wei Sui-Bing
Human-to-blueberry transition
Timothy Ash
Envelope-related paper cuts/sealing envelopes
Horace Stanton Jr.
June 3, 2019
New president named
In somewhat stunning news, and despite his ongoing penguin abduction trial, Harold "Harry" Vulk was named new staff president late Monday.
Vulk, a former linebacker for the semi-professional Clarkston Enchiladas, was found with more than 20 penguins - a class C felony in the great state of Iowa - last weekend. The trial, dubbed "Vulk v penguin appreciation society", continues at Crugg County Courthouse this week.
Vulk's brother, Marcel, issued a statement on behalf of the Vulk family, the Torkelson family and former Family Feud contestant Edith Granch:
"Harry never hurt a penguin, except for possibly the penguins he is charged with hurting, namely Benny the penguin, who is missing one of his feet. We'll fight this, Benny and I, until Harry is brought to justice, or the Highway 20 Burger King (Shadeed)."
Several former pigeon colleagues have come to Vulk's defense, including Paul the Pigeon, who would never hurt a penguin.
"That's not entirely true," said Paul.
- Staff correspondent T.R. Jogg
Vulk, a former linebacker for the semi-professional Clarkston Enchiladas, was found with more than 20 penguins - a class C felony in the great state of Iowa - last weekend. The trial, dubbed "Vulk v penguin appreciation society", continues at Crugg County Courthouse this week.
Vulk's brother, Marcel, issued a statement on behalf of the Vulk family, the Torkelson family and former Family Feud contestant Edith Granch:
"Harry never hurt a penguin, except for possibly the penguins he is charged with hurting, namely Benny the penguin, who is missing one of his feet. We'll fight this, Benny and I, until Harry is brought to justice, or the Highway 20 Burger King (Shadeed)."
Several former pigeon colleagues have come to Vulk's defense, including Paul the Pigeon, who would never hurt a penguin.
"That's not entirely true," said Paul.
- Staff correspondent T.R. Jogg
June 2, 2019
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