"Bonnie Bingo's Been Through A Lot"

 - future headline about Bonnie Bingo, written by Eddie Bingo


Source: Many Bingos newsletter, March, 2020

2020 Mule Draft - Round 1

First round picks by Al F. (odd picks), and Terry (even)

1) Ottawa - Dan Devito Jr., Derwood Tech. Highlights: Ate a Kent whole (October '77), farted 412 times in a period of less than one minute (1998), Husband to Daniel Devito Sr. 

2) Conyers - Filles, Emanuel, Derwood Tech. Highlights: none

3) Otis County - Horace, Norwood, Derwood State. Highlights: Sharted at second base during the 7th inning of the Otis County Little League World Series, was removed from the game and beaten close to death. Wife of Bob Feathers. 

4) San Antonio - Jenny Bix, Texas A&M. Highlights: completed Highlights magazine - dentist office July 16, 1988. Pointed at a mailbox for 11 minutes, 22 seconds (Henrick County record).

5) Cleveland - Booby, Cleveland, N/A. Highlights: Fell into a sewer June, 1988, lived there for 11 years. The Perez family lived in Mr. Booby's anal for a period of 17 years (1988-2005), at which point they were evicted, and subsequently convicted, for dingleberry theft. 

6) Vinny Valley - Yeimin Zeck, Middle Georgia College. Uncle: J.J. (b. 1922, d. 1976). Point guard, New Jersey Nets. 0.2 ppg, 0.2 rpg, 0.2 apg, 0.2 apg, 0 epg.

7) Devito Penitentiary - 09738 42.3, Brian Gregory Tech. Highlights: Inmate Daryl Doof was the first human to attempt and succeed in eating an elephant whole. 09738 42.3 is known for their bowel movement skills (Bronze, 194 Olympic Games)

8) Louisville - J.T. Schmidt, Iowa State mens tennis. Walnuts: 4.

9) New York Knicks: Mule, Muleford - N/A. Highlights: Orville Knuggins.

10)

Wednesday schedule released

2:35 pm - Darren Durly hiring ceremony

3:40 - Let's throw sandals at that guy over there, Northeast Regional qualifying round

5:15 - dinner

6:30 - Kenneth Burr drawing

7:45 - water chestnut toss, Northwest Regional qualifying round

9:05 - roof naps, last name H-L

Cal!

1946 - 

Plerp Brought On To Manage Untenable Goldfish Situation

Perton Plerp, former guard for the Indianapolis Colts, has been brought on to finally contain the goldfish infestation that has been hampering HQ over the past 177 years.

Plerp

Plerp, who once ate an opposing nose guard with a side of a '44 Zinfandel, has many, many, many, (MANY) years of experience corralling goldfish.

"I corral goldfish" - Perton Plerp

Plerp will take up residence under the desk of Staff Wart Man Oscar Rainbow, who was recently demoted to his new role from his former position as Staff Anal Inspector.

"To be honest, it isn't that pleasant under here" - Perton Plerp

Plerp has passed on. Please stop by Oscar Rainbow's cubicle to pay your respects.

Perton Plerp: 1922-2024

- Staff Lawyer and Correspondent Ernest Ploop

Gabaladeone brought on

height: 4'10.66334
weight: 93 pistachio shells
affiliations: Portland Trailblazers 1997-1999, Memphis Swirl 2000-2004, Team 11 2005-2009, Henderson Valley Stars 2010-2015, Yepp Valley 2016-present
guru: "guru"
cracker facility supervisor: Janice Yemmp
over there: N/A
peanuts: 11
watermelon rinds: 8
New Janice Yemmp: coming July 7, 2020
Denver Nuggets: 38-44
Janice and Horace Yemmp highlights, March 20-27, 1982: available September 1, 2020
Mustache: January, 2021

Midwest Regional: 11 seed

South Regional: 4 seed

East Regional: 7 seed

Remembering: Nolan Pelcher

1941-1988, 1990-2020, 2021-?


"Nolan? Oh, sure. Sure, you bet I remember Nolan Belsner."

- longtime friend Linda Vickio

Fungus family plays to 0-0 score; rest of game to be completed at later date

After 50 minutes of game action and one cream corn hose theft, the Fungus family's annual basketball game to raise awareness of the sun (FFABGTRAOTS) was stopped at 7:33 p.m. eastern time Tuesday.

With the scoreless tie still in tact, Maglio League officials decided to suspend the game and restart at a later date. At a post-game emergency meeting, which included a 1988 photograph of former league commissioner Jill Frank, the following dates were considered finalists for the completion of the game:

July 6
July 7 (100th anniversary of the attack on Turkey Drumstick Hill)
January 11, 2021
March 22, 2021 (full-size cardboard cut out of Bernie Zipper to first 10,000 fans)

Both teams had chances to end the scoreless tie.

Anne Fungus' fadeaway jumper at the 24:00 minute mark was eaten by a rhinoceros, Toby Fungus ran onto a different basketball court and converted a lay up with 12 minutes to play that wasn't counted, and Hillary Blunch's windmill dunk while holding a roast beef on wheat with just under three minutes to play also didn't count since she wasn't an original participant in the game.

"I'm still going to use that in my arbitration case," said Blunch, 37 in oatmeal.

Fans in attendance were hoping to see a basket as that would've automatically given each a free drawing of a peanut from local business Pete's Peanuts. One fan, Janice Maglio, wife of former disgraced politician Joseph Maglio II, stapled herself to the court in protest.

"I'm not getting the staple remover until I get my peanut drawing," said Janice, whose head is made of iceberg lettuce.

Hank Quebec Appointed President

Henry (HANK) Quebec has been named President of the Jerk by former President Bobby Blue, who will immediately take on the Head Poo Officer position.

"It's what I've fought for."  - Bob Blue

Quebec

Quebec announced immediate sweeping changes to the loser Blue's regime, starting with all bathroom facilities being left "un-cleaned" until the 2025-2026 season.

- Staff Correspondent Bobby Blue

Ploop Jr. hired, eliminated

Ernest Ploop Jr., son of Ernest Ploop and daughter of Jeanine Li and apricot, was hired early Saturday morning, then eaten on a nice, sesame seed bun.

Ploop Jr., son of Timothy and Gail Boddicker (1934-1955), was a starting small forward for the Indiana Pacers and eventually starred in the 2002 play Death of a Salesman's Camry.

It's the first Ploop family hire since Arthur Ploop was brought on as staff turnip in the late-1990s.

"No, that's not true," said Arthur Ploop.

Blue Hired

Former Portland Stars Outfielder Bobby Blue has been hired on as Staff President.

Blue

 


Blue, who famously once ate an entire elephant during the 5th inning of a Portland/San Juan ballgame, is thrilled to usher in a new era here at The Jerk.

"Oscar Rainbow will be hunted down and killed. That is my first order of business. Until this happens, I will not make any other public statements. Go Cowboys!" - Staff President Bobby Blue

Blue barricaded himself into his office on the 133rd floor east wing and hasn't been seen since being hired three weeks ago.

- Staff Correspondent Hippo Footshit

Update on Kelvin Roddish

[Source: the Roddish Family]

Rare photo of Erwin Zlipp found

[Thanks to the Zlipp Family Archives for permission to use this photograph.

For other inquiries: cathereinezlipp@gmail.com]