Oneonta baseball organization: full teams announced

In preparation for the upcoming season, the Oneonta semi-professional baseball franchise has announced full rosters for all levels.

Oneonta Catfish

Manager: Gus Wheat ('47)

Bench coach: sandal

SP - Joey Mags

SP - Yip Clemente

SP - the former Ulysses Crugg

SP - Candace Batch

RP - Bob Bung

1B - Sir Grayson Gleech

2B - Paco

SS - Franco Zengal

3B - Ernie Bronco

RF - Amanda Mandana

CF - Saul Bung

LF - Chi Chi Rodriguez (golfer)

C - Neck

Hiawassee Slush (AA)

Manager: Arnold Pepper
**CORRECTION**: Arn Pepper fired/killed August '18. Current Manager: Billy the Mule

Bench coach: sour cream container lid

SP: Rhonda Everett

SP: goldfish

SP: Mo Foxwebber 

SP: Ms. Janet Otto

RP: No Ears 

1B: Petey Bongo-Bango

2B: Iris Snell (3'6)

SS: Iba Snell (3'8)

3B: pot of Hazelnut blend coffee

RF: Tanya Taco

CF: Ernie Bronco Jr.

LF: Sandeep Nanu

C: Cabbage

Blacksburg Bluejays (A)

Manager: Gak Ooo-Pong

Bench coach: July 8, 1997 issue of the Cleveland Plain Dealer

SP: Sara Ohtayg

SP: Connie The Brick

SP: Lefty McMurtry (RHP)

SP: salad

RP: Darius Kipp

RP: "handlebar mustache" - anonymous

1B: Jo he-jo Pong

2B: Brian Roberts

SS: Manuel Zeckle

3B: leaf pile

RF: Clarke Wickander

CF: Tatiana Boz

LF: Bobby F.

C: drawing of Belinda Carlisle

Derr Returns, Named Staff President

Considered missing and therefore deceased for just north of 93 years, longtime Staff Idiot Footo Derr returned to HQ today.

Not surprisingly, his first order of business was to assassinate current (now former) Staff President Oscar Rainbow. 

Rainbow will remain on Derr's staff as Staff Q-Tip. 

"We got a lotta dirty ears around these parts!" - Staff President Footo Derr

Derr (President)

Derr Bio

Name: Footo Derr III

DOB: 1/1/1

Age: Unknown

Feet: One

Noses: Unknown

Partner: Crotcho Derr (Married 2004)

Children: 3; Asso, Butto, and Ballo

Likes: Tuna Fish on Rye, The Portland Trailblazers, Donkeys

Dislikes: Mules, Horses, The Cincinatti Bearcats, Ballo Derr

As President, Mr. Derr has closed off the entire 47th floor as "his office". 

"Anyone who attempts to enter the 47th floor will be killed on sight." - President Derr

Staff: please do not attempt to enter the 47th floor. 

Celebratory lime tosses can be thrown at Staff Peanut Winston Fu tonight outside HQ starting at 7 pm. Be sure to bring the kids along: 3 free tosses per child! (Adults: $14/toss)

UPDATE: Fu deceased after 4,957th lime pelting. Remains to remain on site. 

- Staff Correspondent Rocco Frompley

McGruder says goodbye at 131

Gibby McGruder
1883-1911, 1914-2018
Beloved by ant (Marcel, 9)
Father to one loaf of wheat

1989-90 Utah Jazz: 4.7 ppg, 3.3 rpg, 0.8 spg
1990-91 Utah Jazz: 1.8 ppg, 4.0 rpg
* Appeared in one playoff game, June, 1990 - 3 points (3-for-7 FT), 1 steal


Services Dec. 23, 4:30 p.m., include (1) malt beverage with hand stamp

Fartbug makes team

Breaking news out of the team's training camp at Fozzlo Community College as Bill Fartbug has earned a spot on the 111-man roster for the upcoming season. Fartbug, the first eight-legged creature to play professionally, was told he had made the team during the annual find-the-spaghetti-in-the-woods competition.

Fartbug will wear the same No. 12 he wore during his collegiate days when he starred at Unnamed College.

Fartbug is missing most of his head and eyeballs and eyebrows are attached, but coach Marty Waffle ('T' encyclopedia class of '88) doesn't think it will affect his performance.

"No, you're right, I don't think it will affect his performance," said Waffle, before taking one last sip of his diet ice cube.

Fartbug's asparagus tail could become a problem during the team's week 11 game against the Asparagus Eaters, who dominated the league a year ago in Total Asparagus Eaten & Total Asparagus Coveted.

Staff correspondent Denise Burpe contributed to this story

Rainbow announces first staff member

After the surprise announcement of his presidency, Oscarensa Ulysses Rainbow III (Minneapolis) has begun assembling his new staff.

Rainbow, seen here berating a copy of The Complete Encyclopedia of Stitchery

named Amber Stiggs, longtime gum (wrapper) runner, as a cabinet member. Stiggs, 44 years, 119 days, will live in cabinet 7.

"Cabinet 7? Thanks for the free raisins," said a shrugging Stiggs, alluding to the nearly two-dozen unopened boxes of raisins from last November's Benefit Concert to Raise Awareness of Raisins.

Rainbow also named former PCCO quarterback Dez Buckley as a walnut intern, some say to keep the longtime pecan from signing with Oakland.

Staff President Hu Killed

Staff President Wesley Hu Jr. has been found dead in his office on 21 Fonkle Street.

Hu (DEAD)

Suprisingly, when removing Mr. Hu's remains, detectives located Oscar Rainbow, who had apparently been living under Mr. Hu's bear rug for just north of 10 years.

Rainbow (LOCATED)

Upon being found, Mr. Rainbow declared himself new Staff President.

Rainbow (Staff President)

As he was the individual who located Hu's desecrated remains, naturally, Bo Hunes has been appointed Staff Police Officer by President Rainbow, effective last July.

Bo Hunes (Staff Police Officer)

Hunes Bio

DOB: N/A
Height: 4'1"
Weight: 33 lbs
Shirt: Unknown
Partner: Dottie Voo-Crugg
Fecal Status: On-deck
Other: Enjoys parading around small repica's of skyscrapers, once ate seventeen (17) water buffalo over the course of one (1) hour










"As one reign comes to an end, another begins-" stated Rainbow upon self-proclaiming the Presidency, "And with my reign, change shall finally arrive at The Jerk."

Please join us for cake and coffee in the 41st floor West Gymnasium at 8 pm.

- Staff Correspondent Wilmont Crugg

Dandelion, by Rico Jr.

Donation by the Crugg Group

Balloons found in tree

3:25 pm - photo taken by staff photographer Erwin Shouse

Nolan Shponk (and son) Hired

Breaking news developing out of Hey Jerk HQ this evening as Nolan Shponk (and son) have been hired on as Staff Wart Investigation Officers.

Nolan Shponk

(and son)

Nolan Shponk (and son) will be responsible for all wart/bunion related issues as well as be the lead administrators to the 2017 HJ Bunion Games. Teams registered thus far include Teds United, Accounting West Wing Floor 4, Ralph/Jim/Juan, Tires 'r' Us (not affiliated with the Jerk), Martha's Left Leg, and the 13th Floor Laundromat (minus assistant laundromat manager Jim Jobbo (deceased)).

Please join us in welcoming Nolan Shponk (and son) to our team!

- Staff Walrus Hippo Frogburger

"Machida found guilty"

Seffersburg, SA - Brunson Machida was found guilty of lettuce evasion Monday afternoon in the Vanderells County Courthouse & BBQ Barn. Machida, tulip, will serve a minimum of 11 months draped in several varieties of lettuce, including romaine and red leaf (Yankston County v Jenny Jolson, 1977).

Machida, born without legs, but with arm-legs & on schedule to receive ear-thumbs by Christmas, 2019, had been using a black market lettuce, "blettuce" since coming to Seffersburg from his native Yetz in the late-1990s.

Machida's younger brother, Yoloff, starred with Brunson for the Gendersberry Team at the '02 Ceiling Fan Nationals, but since had run into some trouble of his own with the law (provolone). To receive a lesser sentence for his crimes, Yoloff informed the police of his brother's ongoing lettuce problems. The two had been separated by a pile of fourth grader's drawings of elephants since December, 2016.

- Staff correspondent Grongo Zax

Estrada hired

Julio Estrada
Age: 46 years, 189 days & 3 hours as of August 10 at 1:00 pm
Position: wheat bread pincher (day shift)
Salary: $11
Goldfish eaten in last 36 months: none
Parking space: 188
Relationship to Dedrick Crisp: none
Statistics, 1992: .247 average, 6 HR


- Correspondent Betty Pink

Walltortoise Found Deceased

Simplicito (Randy) Walltortoise Jr. has been found dead.

Walltortoise (DEAD)

It is believed that Randall was chewed on by a whale for hours and washed up on HJ shores due to "high tides" somewhere around 2 AM this morning. Staff Donut Hole Edward Chotch located the corpse while out for his morning wee wee. 

"There was a body on the beach" - Ed Chotch

Walltortoise will be remembered for his excellent potato chip sandwiches and his fondness of Timbuktu. He leaves behind his wife of 88 years, Grizelda, and their pet monkey Juan (deceased). 

Walltortoise's cubicle on the 14th floor is available for scavenging, first come first serve (I've got the can of black beans.)

- Staff Idiot Chuck Frozengard

The Jolson family

Jolsons

[updated 6/17]


Janet Jolson
The Jolson II
Jerry Jolson + 1
Jam Jolson
Harriet Jello
Jolson (pita bread)
Vic Jolson, senior, RB/DB, committed: Nebraska
Jojo Jolson Jr.
Ernie Lonkleffer
Jucinda Jolson!
Ernie Jr.
Jerome Jolson
the pinecone crumbles - west stage, 9pm
Jefferson Jolson
Jeff Jolson
Geoff Jolson
J.J. Jolson
Julie and the Jolsons

Machado photo found

The first-known photograph of Orestes Muchado has been obtained by H.J.Goml photographer Damion Kerr.

SHOWINGS

Mon-Thurs: 10 am - 3 pm
Fri/Sat: 11 am - 7 pm
Sunday: closed (DJ Jesus Johnson)

Bagokie Hired

Al Bagokie (Okie Dokie) has finally come to salary terms with The Jerk and has officially been named Staff Rory Ashirmin, effective June, 2098.

Alvin Bagokie *Deceased

Bagokie is well known for his international Beluga Whale Impersonation tour, as well as being a drawing of something that looks like nothing. 

"He's just a bunch of lines." - Brian Gregory

Please join us in our celebration of Al Bagokie's hire in the Men's lobby restroom (stall B). First 20 to join receive a free banana peel! (Offer Revoked - Ted Gonch v. The City of Cleveland)

- Staff Chimp Dudley Foomb

Simon!

Simons all time

[Last updated: May 2017]


Simon Heddiger Jr.
Simon Shu
The Ultimate Simon
Simon Seemone
Is That Simon?!
Simon Clob
Simon from the book club
Simon Gafreda
Terry Cher
Simone Jahojo
Sy Simon
Simon Sellinger
Eddie Pink
JJ Simon (desk lamp)
Kenny Simon, 3B
Saul Simon
Sy Minn (meeting, 4pm)
Citgo station Simon
Simon Yetz
The Biggest Simon
Salami Simon