Beauregard "Beau" Fimmons, staff contributor since the early-1980s, has drowned in his kitchen sink, according to a dish towel with knowledge of the situation. Fimmons was a correspondent on over 2,000 stories, including "Capolo Poo IV", "Fonchonski's Knee Cap Found in Belly of Aardvark", and the now-famous "Tinkle Memoirs".
Fimmons is survived by his pet cantaloupe, Harvey.