Coming off an emotional, flatulent victory over the Cleveland Browns practice squad, the Hey Jerk Bison felt good about their chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School.
"We feel good about our chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School," Bison coach/running back John Hu said after a practice session/walnut-eating contest.
Despite the disappearance of wide receiver Pat Zyn and quarterback/rhino salesman Kurt Sherman's refusal to play, the Bison took the field with nine players and scored on a 92-yard touchdown pass from new quarterback Michaela Russo to recently-signed tight end Mark Bavaro. Winder-Barrow, playing in pastrami helmets to promote world peace, answered with an 18-play drive and tie the game at 7-7 on a four-yard touchdown run by Herman Binkey.
Neither team scored until Hu took a pitch on a sweep and executed his world-famous "hippo run" and scored from 25 yards out, much to the delight of a guy named Steve. The Bison led 14-7 at halftime, leading to this speech from tailback Skipmond Ruso, who no one asked to speak:
"They said the Russians couldn't win in '73! They said the Bay City Bluejays couldn't come back and win the bronze medal in the 40s! Someone told Vance Wesler he'd never yodel again! Remember Miles Quinn?! Now go out there and win one for what's-his-name or this Christmas everyone gets a lump of cold medicine in their stocking!"
After Ruso was taken in the back for questioning, the Bison came out strong in the third quarter, going up 17-7 when Louise Russo kicked a 74-yard field goal with Hu gas in her face.
"Holy asparagus," said Bison fan Merv Kellog, 106.
Winder-Barrow had a nine-and-out on the ensuing possession, then after a Bison punt of seven yards by Dead Karol, Winder running back Zhang Shui-Wei ran in the wrong direction and out of the back of his own end zone, giving the Bison a safety and a 19-7 lead. Shui-Wei then vanished.
In the fourth, Bison receivers Stinky Harnish and Steven Christensen teamed up on a wheelbarrow run for 53 yards, which put Hey Jerk up 26-7 and sent most of the traveling Winder fans towards the exits.
"I sold my mud store for this?," said Winder fan James Pershack, who sold his mud store for this.
As the final seconds ticked down, Zyn surprised everyone on the Bison sideline by arriving in his underwear, running out to midfield and miming shooting two free throws. Zyn then hopped on his koala and disappeared into the night.
Bison stay unbeaten at 2-0 with a 26-7 victory on Phonebook Night at Hey Jerk Stadium.
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