After a story was published on the Jerk about his missing body parts and unorthodox ears, Theodore "Teddy" Pinecone addressed the media late Sunday evening. Keep in mind, this press conference was held in a kiddie pool filled with lawnmower oil and match box cars.
"The story reported on Hey Jerk was correct: I am missing the top of my head. During the 2004 Lettuce Games, I traded the top of my head to a man named Darren for a bowl of Toosh Fire-brand turkey chili. At the time, I thought I was getting a great deal. Looking back now, I realize the chili was OK, but it only lasted about 15 minutes. I kept the bowl and spoon, but now I just use them to fend off Eggbos, which are half-man, half-eggplants. Meanwhile, I haven't seen Darren in years. The last I heard, he had turned around and traded the top of my head for an eyebrow and an index finger.
As for the three lines, that's raccoon hair. The "6" in my ear was drawn by my four-year old son K'Washayshon. That's all I care to say at this point. Thank you."
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