2015 Gas Draft

No. 1 overall pick - San Antonio, Marc R.
2. Cleveland - Kurt A.
3. Werner Valley - Jarvis Galloway Jr.
4. Pluto - Steven C.
5. The Worm Store - Linda Wadsworth
6. Ottawa (from 5th Street K-Mart) - Don Mattingly
7. down the street by the yellow building - Vince Otto
8. Mule City - Dan Devito
9. San Diego - Penelope
10. Travon'Tavious Corners - Morris the Cat

TRADE

San Diego sends Penelope to Travon'Tavious Corners for Morris the Cat & 7 peaches

11. Newark airport Security - Patricia Paulsen

DEATH

Newark airport Security pick Patricia Paulsen eaten by mule. No re-pick granted.

12. Fred's Pit-Sweat Shop - Stinky O'Mallory
13. Dublin, GA - Ulysses Crugg
14. Heritage High School - Aaron Crugg

"Back to back Cruggs? I like the decision." - Henrieta Feathers

15. I don't know, over there somewhere - William Gwybish
16. William Gwybish - William Gwybish
17. Myrtle Beach B team - Xavier & Connie Schmidt ("The Schmidts")

UPDATE

Myrtle Beach B team disbanded

18. Hey Jerk Bison - Chip Settle
19. folding chair - night security guard
20. New York - pass
21. Terrytown - Beatrice Vance
22. Unknown
23. 8th Street Produce Stand - Mitch Mokk
24. Terrytown - Ivan Glow
25. Cooper's Bar & Grill - Sebastian Nezpiece Jr. 

**BREAKING**

The New York Yankees STINK!


Herman (HJ Modeling)

Emmit Hurley: deceased

Emmit Hurley, a staff correspondent from 1788-2015 has finally passed on/befriended Mookie Himself)..

Other Thursday morning passings:

* Bernie Broadway (rye bread)
* Tatiana Shwee
* The Shouse Sisters (fall out of ice cream truck)

Breaking: Oscar Rainbow Dead

Longtime contributor and Staff Lunatic/Murderer Oscar Rainbow has been found deceased in his box on 147th and Pine Street in Cleveland (Under the charcoal dumpster.)

Rainbow (Dead)

While the cause of death has not yet been made public, rumors indicate that Mr. Rainbow was SBGS (Squashed By Gorilla Stampede). Rainbow was found wearing his favorite "Oscar Rainbow Lives" t-shirt.

In lieu of flowers, please send cold-hard-cash to Enrie Ploop at:

1 Ernieploop Lane
Aardvark, Idaho 98078

Mr. Ploop will "spend the money on hookers and needle drugs."

So long, Oscar.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers

Flanellette mail surfaces

The Jerk has obtained a letter sent from Skungus Flanellette

to Bobby Thomp-kins during the red (ear) scare of the 1950s. Here is the full letter:

Orr & Fluto (sp.?),

Do you think that new "regime" (9) Claude Julien will be kept for Bruins?

I really love all your works with Globe since I enter this country (Hector Williamson - 1977-2015).

Fandom,

Adolf

Flanellette - 96% grapefruit - worked under the British/Columbus, Ohio doctor Narscor Devadeel and discovered a cure for "scratchy formhead" in 1997 that is still in use by semi-bro Dennis teams all over the.

Stay in tune (cuminseed) for firmer updates (jogglie).

List of guys named Vance

[Updated 4/29, 11:40 PM]

Vance Ellington
Vance Po
Vance Salazar
Vance The Vance
Vance Rey (farmer's market wheat bread sample)
Vancent Sherpshire (the plum)
Vance Beltran Jr.
(Vance)
guitar tuner Vance Wainwright
Vance!
Vance Nayahama-Schmidt
V.a.n.c.e. (west coast)
Vance Salamiface
Va'Vance
Vance Mitchell (empty soda bottle)
Come on, Vance!
Van Suh

Guydoor hired

The latest reports from the East headquarters building in Dwayne Valley confirm the hiring of Zane Guydoor, 37 (salamander years).

Guydoor, who will be joined on staff by his 7th grade math teacher, Arnie Puckett, last swallowed a pile of leaves in 2007 (source).

The Jerk has also announced the winners of the 1st annual Xavier Merton Look-Alike Contest:

1st place - egg shell
2nd place - Byron Blue & frog (Roy)
3rd place - photograph of sidewalk puddle 5
4th place - Edinson Mejia
5th place - [prize vacated due to water bottle cap overdose]

Seth Munch photo found

Lou Bogoly - Located

Louis "Lou" Bogoly - AKA "The Foot" - has been located in Eastern China.

Bogoly

(Also Pictured - Lil' Hoho Bogoly (deceased))

Please do not attempt to confront Dr. Bogoly - he is considered armed, dangerous, and flatulent.

More to come.

- Staff idiot Murton Shouse

Qwerr gets brief mention

Herman Qwerr, 47, pointing at a seagull (March 29, 2015).

Staff photo by Emmit Hurley

Shouse family list released

The Shouses has released their full list of family members. Thank you to the Furly Group for providing us with the information and the remains of Dwan'Carlo Beefman for our Wednesday luncheon.

Shouse

Murton Shouse
Ker Kwee Shouse
Merton W. Shouse
Frank Shouse (staple remover)
Valerie Shouse & camel
Yolanda "Shay Shay" Shouse
Quinton Shouse

A Shouse
Little Bobby Shouse
(Sneeze sound) Shouse
Horace & Beverly & Otto Shouse IV
Percy Shouse (cottage cheese)
Nermin Shouse
Benito Santiago-Shouse
Shouse!
peanut (Shouse)
Mitten Shouse
Kellog Shouse & raisin
Caroline The Shouse

Schlomo Sha: HIRED

Schlomo Sha has been "onboarded" and given the role of Staff Underwear Sniffer.

Sha (Deceased)

Sha Bio

Name: Schlomobosho Sha Jr.
DOB: 1/1/1908
Sex: no
Gender: no
Height: pickle
Weight: 14 grams
Partner: Leo Sha (1908-1980); Pong-Wo Sha (1977-1997); Boris Sha (1997-2011); Unknown (2011-2012); ______ Sha (2012 - Present)
Notes: Avid potato chip collector. Season ticket holder for the Milwaukee Bucks. Ate Kareem Abdul Jabbar whole (1977). Jumped from a Delta airliner, passed away, 2003

Please join us in welcoming Dr. Sha to the staff. He will assume the cubicle on the 54th floor formerly held by Brevin Ploop (ostrich).

- Staff mushroom Schlomo Sha

The Beefman Children

The following is a list of the 11 Beefman children.

[Source: J.J. Noppapopalis Sr.]


Reginald Beefman III (deceased, liverwurst on rye)
Horatio Beefman (deceased, pointing accident)
Moosh Beefman (tomato)
Dobby-Do Beefman (president - Beefman Industries, Necklenburg branch)
Daniella Beefman-Hurly (assistant manager - Paulsen Pickles & Horsefly Farm)
Vinny Babooch-the-Beefman (deceased, pencil overdose)
Raquel Beefman (the ghost of Clem Pock)
Reginald Beefman II (deceased, other half of liverwurst on rye)
Wei Chun-Ho Beefman Jr. (last seen: May, 1976 aboard a mechanical spaceship "headed for the planet Jorge" - Nunce Valley Times)
Betty Beefman (cup of grapefruit juice)
Dunston Beefman (whereabouts unknown)

**Breaking** Hu Escapes

Former Staff President John Hu, of the Idaho Hu Crime Family, has escaped from HJP.

Hu (On The Run)

No details are available at this time.

Do not attempt to approach Dr. Hu, as he is believed to be armed with multiple deadly weapons and a Koala, Herman (rumored).

- Staff Assistant Moron Pebal Fockwithe

New office opens in Bangor

The Jerk has announced the opening of a new editorial office in Bangor, Maine, staff raisin illustrator Bobby B. Queh confirmed Tuesday afternoon.

Bangor, Maine staff

Iggy Boff Jr. - assistant finger snapper
Shom Wheatley, Maude M'Lomm - soup noodles 1 and 2
Pebal Fockwithe - assistant staff moron
The Charles - wrestling coordinator
Beau Fimmons - former staff toenail
Patty Paulsen - ZeeKor 7 relations
Chip Seffle - can of garbanzo beans
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - himself
Chia Pet Smith - staff television
Edford Wolowitz - iguana relations
Faruq Bateen - dandelion
Orno Fongy - staff Staff
Vladimir Putin - president of Russia
Reggie Beefman - weapons expert
Stefan Kristensen - Staff Koala
Eeb Gozzowillow - pencil

Vacant positions

* Staff mailbox
* Barber
* Wrinkle
* Wall
* Small forward
* Red colored pencil

 [To apply: email oscarrainbow@gmail.com]

Nominees announced for MacIntosh Award

The nominees for the 2015 Chubbs MacIntosh Award for excellence maintaining a bologna hair piece were announced Sunday afternoon. 2013 winner Ho-Ho Chung and Carl Poo, winner in 2008 and 2010, are the favorites. Shockingly, five-time winner Dwayne Durly was not nominated.

Nominees (% chance of winning, provided by Dominic DomDmoggio)

Ho-Ho Chung (39%)
Carl "Clem" Poo (32%)
JayShawn (11%)
Donald Voppo (8%)
Pezalea Gobfried (6%)
Anderson Phui (4%)
Hubie Selig (0%)


UPDATE
Ho-Ho Chung passes (4:20 pm DST)