Another Jones Passes Away

Buttscratch Jones, younger brother of Oboe Jones, died early Tuesday morning of pencil overdose.

Jones was a staff consultant since the 1980s, but fell out of favor with the Hey Jerk staff editors when he showed up for work last Tuesday with a head of lettuce glued to his forehead.

Funeral services were cancelled due to lack of guys named Gary.

Ossining Loses Body, Cheese Sandwich

Staff Barry, Barry Ossining, lost his entire body, early Sunday. Ossining's head remains, though he did also lose a valuable cheese sandwich, which, according to crusts with knowledge of the situation, contained a rare piece of lettuce.