Jesusman Hired

After more than two years of firings, deaths, chili riots, pointing at leaves, ice cube-eating contests, a guy named Barry taking all of the salad dressing to impress Maryanne and hippo tramplings, the Jerk has brought some religion on board in the person of Jehiah Jesusman.



The 2,012-year old brings a lifetime of religious practice, most notably the mass execution of dozen pieces of toast in the late-1830s and turning Dr. Emmit Pinddle into a penguin in 1995.

Jesusman, who had his left foot eaten off by an Okkaplokka bug and whose nose caused the Korean War, was born in Arkansas and lived there until he was 1,400. He joined the peas movement and married a thimble of rice so the thimble could gain United States citizenship.

At the Jerk, Jesusman is expected to lead all staff members to salvation, or the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet, whichever is first on his bus route.

Updated death schedule released

January
24 - Horace Okkaplokka
26 - Musical trio The Corn Husks

February
2 - Nancy Crugg & warthog
11 - Ebeneezer Salazar
19 - Edward Xomcheese

March
6 - Knuckles Brophy
27 - Cooper Queh
29 - Lance Okkaplokka


- Staff correspondent Bertrum Larsen

Wednesday football betting lines

[Games to be played January 18, 2012]


University of Kansas -3 @ Klauzenrodner University
Mud People -6 vs. Hey Jerk Bison
Paul's Hardware -10 vs. Jacksonville
The Al Davis Recreation Society -2 @ Okkaplokka
Kennington Prison -4 vs. Murrdle Valley Prison



- Source: Kerwin Football