Paddock Found Dead

Hey Jerk employees and their penguin families can finally move on as Yince Paddock was found dead underneath the Russo Street Bridge Monday afternoon. Paddock lived a reckless lifestyle that included frequent trips "over there" and high-speed wheelbarrow races with a local Canadian gang, The Gang's All Here. Paddock was also believed to be responsible for leading former Ben Gibbons biographer Art Leech down a dark path that eventual led to Leech's carpet cleaner overdose, and also for defacing Jerk headquarters with what was described as "Pee Pee Graffiti" (Nunce Valley Times, May, 2006).

Paddock was survived by a photograph of a toaster oven and his toaster oven, Merle.

Lanugo: Dead

Richard Lanugo, longtime staff member and longtime useless staff member, has died of carpet cleaner overdose.

Let's just move on with our lives.