Cronin
Cronin was last seen exiting the 213th floor east restroom, where he was known to frequent during his time as Staff Mule Milker here at the Jerk. After investigation, initial findings have shown that Cronin left a 49.3 and failed to file the proper paperwork, which may explain his sudden disappearance. According to section 14b of the bylaws, one must file immediately after doo-age or be extracted via helicopter directly to the White House for questioning and torture followed by likely death.
Evidence at the "scene" has also shown that Cronin left his prized left sneaker, Puma, in the stall where the offense occurred. It is well known that Cronin never travels without Puma and his trusty sidekick Al.
All of the evidence leads us here at the Jerk to believe that Cronin is "on the lamb," possibly without underwear. If located, please do not attempt to approach Poogie - he is believed to be in possession of firearms and an oversized can of clams, which he has had a history of abuse of. Instead, please call the ICPWWFPCEH (International Coalition of People Who Want to Find Poog Cronin and Eat Him) at 1-800-EAT-POOG (All calls are subject to $12.99 fee).
Updates to come.
- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers
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