Fredo Sanchules Annoints Self "President of the Earth"

Fredo Sanchules, local pig salesman and candidate to become the Lump of the Year in 2012, has annointed himself President of the Earth.

Sanchules


Fredo released the following statement through his spokesperson, Private John Coolie's Legs:

Coolie's Legs



"Citizens of the Earth - I come to you from atop Mount Sanchules, deep within the hostile territory of our enemy, Pluto. Through my election, I promise you I will not let the Plutonians take over our planet. I also promise that as your leader, I will kill off nearly three-quarters of you and feet you to my gorilla, Claude. These promises I make you, I swear to keep, probably."

Sanchules was seen flying away towards his seaside mansion, where it is believed he resides with John Coolie's legs in a romantic fashion.

- Staff President of the Earth correspondent Warren Lump