Bison Suffer First Loss

"Those guys stink."

- Anonymous


That quote, taken from a December 14 Nunce Valley Times newspaper article, wasn't directed at the Hey Jerk Bison football team. But the Bison coaching staff decided to use it as motivation any way leading into the squadron's Wednesday morning battle against Henderson Middle School.

"It didn't work."

- Anonymous

No, it did not work.

The Bison, who were coming off a pair of close victories, led 7-0 early, thanks to a John Hu four-yard touchdown run. That came after Hu ran the Bison's "watermelon play", pulling on Henderson defensive lineman Harvey Koo's arm pit hair and then swallowing hole a watermelon on a key, third-and-five at the 17-yard line.

Henderson, which came into the game 0-4 following a 17-3 loss to the Indianapolis Colts that led to bean dip riots in the streets of Hendersonville, responded immediately. The Chabooros used the absence of Steven Christensen (eyebrow-removal surgery) on the defensive line to let their workhorse tailback Fat Neck Glenn Jr. collect 170 of his 255 yards on three long touchdown runs to send Henderson into halftime up 21-7.

Halftime speech by Bison interim head coach Dead Karol:


In the second half, the Bison tried their "stand around and do nothing and hope the other team doesn't do anything either play", made famous by the Pat Zyn All Stars barnstorming team of the late-1960s, but instead Henderson did something, forcing the first of seven fumbles by new fullback Skip Ruso.

After his seventh fumble, Ruso was traded to the Cleveland Browns for a pile of leaves and a half of a ham sandwich under the north end zone to be named later.

Midway through the fourth quarter, with the Bison trailing 56-7 and the home fans at the newly-renamed Toast Crumb Stadium literally booing until their ears fell off ("Six reports of falling ears", Kroog Statesman), Bison linebacker Tommy Buckner sacked Henderson's 8th-string quarterback Wu Kawa-N'ienk in the end zone for a safety to cut the deficit to 56-9.

The Bison players rewarded coach Dead Karol with a spicy mustard bath.


Final: Henderson Middle 66, Bison 7