Robert Feathers, longtime editor and cheese enthusiast, has gone missing. Once believed to be the next great leader of this corporation, Feathers began building a long list of enemies here at The Jerk. Capped off by his admission of steroids use in the late 90's, Feathers has become one of, if not the, most hated members of this company. It all came to a head 4 days ago when Feathers decided to steal Marty Femple's onion and run into oncoming traffic.
Feathers has not been seen since. If you have any information on his whereabouts, please call the Save Marty Femple's Onion hotline at 1-800-ONIONSAVIOR.
- Staff Feathers Investigator Warren Lump
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