Zeddy Perishes

Many staff members are rejoicing this morning as Zed Xomcheese, one of the most tenured and hated staff members ever to be a part of The Jerk, was found dead under his cubicle desk. Apparently the murderer soaked Xomcheese in vinegar for several hours and stuffed him into an old Vlasic Kosher Dill jar.

Xomcheese (DEAD)


Xomcheese, who was known for frequent pantsless rants about his dislike for crunchy peanut butter and his skid mark stained desk chair, had been universally disliked for years. While his murder is troubling and will be investigated by local authorities, most believe the investigation will last less than 5 minutes and that the Xomcheese Pickle jar will be shipped out with this morning's UPS packages.

- Staff Lead Correspondent Trent Bibswitch