Stanley Lyons Interview

Interview for Stanley Lyons

Sex - once in the 90s.
Place of birth - In a shopping cart underneath the Becker St. bridge
Height - N/A
Weight - N/A
Spouse (Name) - Zirnzo 46
Penis (Y, N) - It's a matter for the courts to decide (The state of Mississippi vs. Stanley Lyons)
Gary? - That question doesn't make any sense so I'm not going to answer it
Name of any being living anywhere on your person - Stanley Jr. lives in my navel and there's a rabbit I call Boris who resides under my left big toe. Once, me and Boris went to the amusement park and he went on the roller coaster and got sick and threw up green stuff.


1. Please list all of your previous employment, including any murders you may have committed along the way
1976-1983: Cashier at Tomato Petes Restaurant & Worm Shop. Fired in May, 1983 for eating too many worms.
1984-1998: Stood on line at unemployment bureau.
1999-present: Power forward on the Glub City Pythons basketball team. Have yet to get in a game.

2. List all of the educational institutions you have attended.
1965-1970: Helenstone Elementary School. Graduated June, 1970 despite severely injuring my math teacher, Mr. Tomlinson in a tractor accident in the school parking lot.
1971-1978: home-schooled by my grandfather Murray. He taught me many things, including what an I just pooped in my pants face looks like.
1981-1982: attended Feathers U. Expelled November, 1982 for nudity/chalkboard theft.

3. List your extra-curricular activities in high school.
- Talent show judge (fr, soph, jr, sr)
- Debate team critic (soph, jr)
- Junior varsity soccer assistant statistician (fr, soph, sr)

4. List your top 3 poos
January, 1983 - one flew out and hit the bathroom mirror. Single-handily won Uruguay the Olympic games.
December, 1990 - Christmas morning prank played on my Uncle Ivan. He checks twice now before opening any presents
April, 1994 - I did it out of the back of a moving car. Single-handily lost Uruguay the Olympic games.

5. Thoughts on Ed Xomcheese?
I think he could definitely win that spelling bee.

6. List your first 3 boy/girlfriends, their names, and the thing you remember most about them.
1. Henry Winfield. He always kept chicken noodle soup in his pocket.
2. Janet Winfield. She had a brother, Henry, who was upset with me for breaking up with him and going out with Janet.
3. Dr. Vanessa Stone. Broke up with me when she found out I had lied about being an astronaut and a former president of the United States.

7. What are your thoughts towards the Rainbow/Shermania coalition?
I think it's a big step for the Canadian people.

8. Whats your gas situation on a day in, day out basis?
That's not a question I'm prepared to answer at this juncture.