Golfspeed Apparently Not Hired

Interview questions

Name - Scallion Golfspeed
Place of birth - Pacific Ocean
Height - Unknown
Weight - Appr. 400 lbs.
Ears (0, 1 or 2?) - 5
Name of man living in your shoe - Henry Buxbaum, but he passed over 12 years ago.

1. Please list all of your previous employment, including any jobs which involved rabbit fecal.

1888-1889 - Rabbit Fecal Technician, Rabbit Poo Inc. - Handled and consumed all Rabbit Fecal necessary for life on this planet to continue. Fired, August 1889, Attempted rabbit rape (photos taken for proof)

1890-1976 - Unemployed. Lived under a guys underwear (dirty) and sustained life force off of skid mark remains and dog tinkle.

1977-1980 - Burger flipper, McDonalds. Managed flipping of burgers from one side to the other. Fired, January 1980 for exposing my man parts to a 92 year old man, who subsequently passed.

1980 - 2009 - Unemployed. Found shelter in a large mans coolie and existed off of passed gas and perspiration.

2009 - 2009 - Owner, Hot Dog Hut. Shut down shop after 14 days of not selling a single Hot Dog. Technically, the shop was a figment of my imagination. In the courts as we speak, Golfspeed vs. The Toilet System of Georgia.

2010 - Present - Dead.

2. List all of the educational institutions you have attended.

1845-1846 - Schlofko Elementary. Expelled after attempting to stuff the school mascot, Jerry the Rhino, down my pants and take him on a voyage across the sea.

3. List your extra-curricular activities in high school.

Poo Squad - Captain. Never attended high school, but was still chosen as captain for local Poo Squad which won 1911 and 1926 Missouri state championships

Homosexual - Experimented with men during high-school years.

4. What are your hopes and dreams for the future. (Please do not list any bathroom-related wishes).

I need to be given a shot at life, at living it to the extreme! I also hope to try cinnamon waffles and venison poo.

5. Schlofko?

Arn Schlofko? Passed on (murdered) in 1984. Incident involved a shovel and a bag of uncooked brussel sprouts, which someone (me) continually pelted Schlofko with until he passed on to the next place.

6. List your three favorite sandwiches and how they've affected your life.

Meatball - makes me remember my Uncle Wilbur
Turkey - Led to the "Great Doo" of '68, during which the entire state of Florida was evacuated and after which I was confined for over 10 years.
Car - Car sandwich.

7. What are your thoughts towards the Rainbow/Shermania coalition?

Rainbow/Shermania are the ugliest bunch of losers this side of the Potomac. They are constantly running around without pants on, screaming about the president of THESE united states and how he has wronged them. They deserve to be put out of their misery, or raped.

8. Newton Clem vs. Clem Newton, who do you pick in a brussel sprout fight?

Newton Clem passed on last night, so Ill go with Clem Newton.

thank you,
Management