Litner hired

After decades as one of the country's leading horse photograph whisperers, Leonard Litner has finally been hired at the Jerk, pending a standard Friday evening knee cap tasting.

Litner is expected to take over the staff position of hockey puck massager, which was recently vacated by the disposal of Ronaldo Beefman and his family of turnips.
 
Litner, 56 in snowman years, is the ninth member of his family to be hired at the site, joining Rudolph Litner (employed from 1977-1981), J'Meekhwa Litner (1979-1985), Stubby Chin Litner (1979-1990), Leonard Litner Sr. & Applesauce (1987-1988), Grassclump Litner Jr. (May, 1992-June, 1992), DJ Vel'Kwan-Shouse (1992-2013), Scotchtape Litner (1997-1999) and Ernie Poppadapolis (2000-2003).

CEO Benjamin Gibbons also announced the firing of Denarius Durly and Tatiana Merced as staff hoagie rolls.