Bison Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp was on the "scene" this morning, with updates on several Bison players during the teams much needed off week.
Ruso: Asleep since Sunday. Team officials fear possible DIB (Doody in Bed) and have sent a security regimen and public relations crew to Ruso's abode in case of disaster.
Sherman: Missing. Has not been seen since running off the field, pantsless and screaming, in third quarter or last weeks game. Team officials say reports of Sherman sightings in Kuala Lumpur "have no grounds."
Christensen: Attempting to break record for ham sandwiches eaten during one week period - has until 5 Eastern to do so. Currently at 567.5. Judge Harkenberry removed two sandwiches from current count due to "failure to comply with mustard regulations." Needs to pass 701 in order to set record.
Hu: Being held at team facility due to concerns over "knee explosions" due to weight issues. Has been fed intravenously over course of week and has lost over 1 pound.
Zyn: Found deceased shortly after game concluded in upper deck section 301 lavatory. Note left at scene stated "See you guys in two weeks. Mud People Stink!"
T.O.D. - Left team on own accord due to "personal issues" with quarterback Kurt Sherman. "We just weren't seeing eye to eye on the future of eggplant on this planet."
- Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp
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