Gary, Montana - On a cool but smelly day in Gary, the Hey Jerk Bison took the field in a friendly exhibition match up against the recently disbanded Houston Astros, who were thrown out of MLB by force (17 security officers and 4 gorillas) by commissioner Bud Selig. Reason - "They STINK!"
Location: Gary Field
Attendance: 0
Game Summary: The Bison, fresh off a four game sweep of the Boston Gary Sox during which Josh Beckett was assassinated, came in ready to go. Brimming with confidence, they were shocked when they loaded the bases with no outs in the first but came away empty handed. Kirt Ashirman, knuckle ball specialist armed with a 13 MPH heater, did not disappoint, however. He fanned the side in the first, giving reason for hope. In the second, the Bison jumped to a 1-0 lead on the now defunct Astros after cleanup hitter Merk Riso hit a ball which was later found to have landed in China (China Press).
After a 27 minute delay to go to the local CVS and purchase a new ball, play resumed and Pat Zyn struck out on 2 pitches. Having seen enough, Bison Manager Marty Klemp pulled Zyn from the game, and had security take him to the execution room, ending his existence. Zyn was replaced in RF by Fronz Pekkernick.
As the game progressed, the Jerk squad broke out against Astros start Wandy Rodriguez, and after giving up 9 ni the 5th, Rodriguez started screaming at home plate umpire Bill Harnich, then removed his pants and ran into the right field stands screaming about the political climate in Mexico. He has not since been located.
Ashirman, his curve ball flat and his coolie smelly, surprises the crowd of no one by removing his pants as well in the bottom of the 6th inning, opting to pitch the rest of the game "au natural." Ashirman was not wearing underwear. Between a called strike two and a swinging strike three against Carlos Lee, Ashirman doodies the mound, leading to a 12 minute clean up crew suspension of play. Ashirman, citing the Constitution, refuses to wipe and continues the game, allowing only one run in the ninth on the classic hide-the-ball-in-my-rear-end-and-run-around-the-bases-until-I-score play by Astros SS Clint Barmes. Ashirman, clearly perturbed, immediately threw a heater at Barmes head as he walked to the dugout, ripping off his left ear. Barmes bled to death immediately and is no longer with us.
The Jerk, angry that they had allowed a ninth inning run, come out swinging in the ninth. Ashirman - still not wearing garments on his lower half - gets his first hit of the game, a dribbler to the mound. After fecalating on first base, which lead to another 12 minute suspension for cleanup, Ashirman rushes the mound and murders Astros relief pitcher Sergio Escalona. Play continues and Ashirman steals second, third and home. The rest of the runs come afterwards, fueled by a 17-17, 7 HR, 26 RBI performance by Merk Riso.
Final Score: Bison 47, Astros 1
Deaths: 2
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