(Last known photograph of Shersherman)
The Jerk staff is proud to report the death of stylist applicant (not hired) Burt Shersherman at age 97. Preliminary reports indicate acorns as the cause of death. We have EXCLUSIVE coverage of the Shersherman funeral and will be blogging live!
8:30 PM - Shersherman placed in Folgers can.
8:58 PM - Staff Dentist J. Jerry has a donut.
9:04 PM - Rerun of Oprah Winfrey show spotted on security TV.
9:10 PM - Oscar Rainbow arrives, screams "Glenn lives!", and runs back into the woods.
9:17 PM - Shersherman asks for a glass of apple juice.
9:21 PM - Staff Hippo Larry defecates in Shershermans coffin. Clean up not performed.
9:27 PM - Eulogy performed by Shersherman former employer, Percy W. Shane.
"First of all, Burt changed his last name during the war. It used to be Shershersherman. And his first name used to be Harriet. But that's not important now. What's important is, Burt is finally dead. Now we can go over to his house and get back our cats and toaster ovens he stole. For those who would like to join me, I'm off to Dunky's for $1 light beer night. Ladies only."
9:28 PM - Percy W. Shane murdered by Staff doctor D. Compelli.
9:32 PM - D. Compelli successfully subdued by Staff Lawyer C.V. Bwon. Shersherman asks for a twinkie.
9:35 PM - Numerous guests realize they never knew Shersherman and begin to pile out.
9:36 PM - FBI arrives, removes body of recently assassinated Percy Shane. Interviews begin with witnesses.
9:38 PM - FBI ends interviews, decides it will not pursue murderer in any fashion. Case closed. RIP Percy W. Shane.
9:40 PM - Staff Janitor K'wontavious Jickson fired. Replacement search started.
9:42 PM - Shersherman coffin lowered into ground. Shersherman grabs a coffee.
9:44 PM - Staff Iguana, Bingo, found dead at foot of snack table.
9:46 PM - Last listening of Shershermans fake last album - A Shersherman Divided.
9:49 PM - Last remaining copy of A Shersherman Divided burned and disposed of.
9:50 PM - Shersherman heads home for the evening.
That concludes the live blog.
2 comments:
I'll always remember you as the man who saved the world from rotten lettuce during the summer of aught-3.
R.I.P. Shersherman
shersherman's still alive.
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