Henderson invited to Spring Camp

Capolo Henderson has officially put the town of Mockmoodle on the map.

Henderson, a native of the peanut shell farming town, was recently invited to 2013 spring camp for the new expansion leaf-eating contest team, the Pershack County Cinnamon Buffalo. The Hey Jerk editor, 46, will compete for a spot on the team with fellow spring invitees Lyle Larue, Jo-he-Jo Pong, Unu Anu, Molly Binkwell, Romelio Yockcheeze and Shevvie Salazar, "The Rigatoni From Albahony".

Henderson released a cryptic statement through his lawyer, turnip:

"I'll make the team, and when I make the team I'm eliminating some people. First to be eliminated is Charles Frozengard. Second to go will be Ernest Ploop, the man who stole my elbow in '93 and used it to help Iceland win a bronze medal. Finally, I will be taking the roofs off houses at the following locations: 314 Vernon Valley Road, 2629 Ooork Avenue, the Sal Delmonico apartment complex, 940 Balboni Crossing and 6650 Warren Lump Lane."


- Correspondent Lobbo Blongamyre

Durly contract released

** Updated after afternoon scrambled egg fight semi finals **

In May, 1993, Lemmit Prong was one of 1,200 passengers who evacuated the SS Poppadapolis, and Prong was one of three people (Lemmit Prong Jr. and Jei Woo-Swah were the others) who rode dolphins to shore.

As a result, Darren Durly is not allowed to name any of the ice cubes in his freezer until September, 2013.

January 8, 2013

Durly and his agent, Pigeon, agree to this contract.

Letter from Paul Ploop

My half-Horace, Paultonious Ploop, was eaten by a grizzly bear last Thursday. A few of his belongings were found at the scene, including a letter Paul sent to the University of Yaycheeze. Here is the letter in full:

Ursula,

Given name by associate. Need schoolotomy. Wish to "become" consulage (sp?).

I have all rights to become. Just need degree - please send documentacition for signing and presidential acknowledgement.

Need soon (walrus)

Ta-pachio,

Paul

Other items found: Stevie Bly autographed thigh, pastrami/napkin sandwich.

Thursday night quote

"Justin Jr. escaped? That's fine because I know that parakeet like the inside of George Pepano's ear. I'll just put one of Ross Oberman's toes on a stick in the front yard and he will fly right back."

- Ellis Yaycheeze

Final results are in: Zinn wins

Historic news from Jerk headquarters as Padrick "Only On Wednesdays" Zinn won the 2012 vote to play Oscar Rainbow in the 2019 film Again With The Radishes?

Zinn received the first vote, by Harold Plumm on January 17, 2012, and led the entire way, a first in the Jerk's 37-year history. Zinn received a total of 14 votes, while Gheorge Muresan and Soccerball Schwynn finished tied for second with six votes each.


Final results

Zinn  14 votes (41% of the vote)
Muresan 6 votes (17%)
Schwynn 6 votes (17%)
Ed Xomcheese 5 votes (14%)
Yi-Yi Pu Fwen 2 votes (5%)
Barack Obama 1 vote (2%)

Did not receive votes

Chuck Frozengard
Schmegloid Shalom
Kirk Ashirminn

**BREAKING** WADE BLONG ASSASSINATED

Recently hired Paul Apologist Wadeford "Tickle Toes" Blong (born circa August, 1123) has been offed, according to reports coming out of Jerk Headquarters. While HJ PR Rep Horatio Bellfoon would not confirm or deny that there had been an incident, he did state that "Wade Blong is dead."

Blong (Deceased)

Blong had already made "many enemies" according to inside sources coming out of HQ, and was apparently fond of stealing associates lunch trays in the cafeteria, defacating in them, and returning them believing that no one had noticed. There was also a reported incident in the 112th floor east restroom, where Blong reportedly made love to a male otter named Winston and then "forced himself upon a stall door" while insisting that Winston watch and chant the words to Kumbaya.

Immediately following his assassination, a commoner named Watson Delms'O'Kaka released a memoir "Wade Blong: A Hippo's Last Hurrah". Initial sales are positive, and all proceeds are to be donated to the United States Association Of Decapitated Garys (USADG).

Blong's services will not occur.

- Staff Blong Yorvo Cling

Blong Hired

Longtime celery circus trainer and recent inductee into the Wichita State University Hall of Fame, Wade Blong, was hired as the Jerk's new Paul Apologist Wednesday morning. Blong, who ate a bar stool to try and get into the army but was unsuccessful (June, 1983), will be apologizing for all mistakes made by Pauls on staff.

Blong immediately got to work, apologizing for staff chef Paul Pinkly's undercooked chicken piccata, work not yet completed on Paul Road in downtown Clubb, and for the Paul Brewster's behavior on his date with Marianne Larsen (December 20, 2012).

Blong's apologizing schedule for the rest of 2012 is as follows:

December 28: long line at Paul National Bank
December 29: sold out matinee at the off-Ernieway play, Too Many Pauls
December 31: Paul Yannavitz throwing up on your shoes at new years eve party

Full list of guys named Herman released

Herman Corcoran
Herman Izzits-Straus
The Herman
Little Herman Verstonavitz
Herman "Herm" Kadelski
Herman Eddiger
Herman Wick
Her Meen-Shu
Herman Herman Lyleson
Herman Huck
Herman!
Chubby Herm Petersen
Herman Minkoff Jr.
Captain Herman Gelznick
Herman Berman
Surfin' Herman Todd
Herman Kerrman
Dr. Herman
Herman Wick III.
Paul Harris
Herman Sherman
Bobba Ku Herman
Herman Torkelson
Mrs. Herman
Herman, Herman and Hermanovitz law offices
Herman Hicks
Colonel Herman Zimmerman
Zoomin' Herman
Herman Jasper-Crugg
Sweating Herman
Herman Petrovic
Herman Lemmit

Tuesday Afternoon Mule Assassination Report

As has become standard operating protocol here at The Jerk, field reporter Oslo Quimm has breaking news that Pauly "Mule-Man" Picklesoda has struck again. Lil' Yarborough the Mule, best known in these parts for his groundbreaking role in "Once a Mule, Always a Donkey" (May, 1947) was found deceased and partially eaten on the corner of Main and 4th.

Prime Suspect Pauly Picklesoda

Picklesoda, who once infamously ran for Mayor of Salt Lake City but instead was incarcerated on Possession of Walrus Genitals with Intent to Distribute, was last seen at the BP station in Conyers, GA purchasing a burrito and a Red Bull energy drink. He is believed to be armed with a bow and arrow and is considered extremely dangerous. He travels with his pet mule, Travis.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Pauly the Mule-Man, please contact HJPD immediately.

- Hogpenis Watson

Bly family list released

The Blys

Horace Bly
Lawrence Bly
Foot Bly
Warren Bly
Hishagesh-Melvosi Bly
Blue Bly
Herman Bly
Bobby Bagooba-Bly
Billy Babooga-Bly
Gregory Bly
Bliegh Bly
Donkey Bly
Geraldine Bly
Ernest Bly
K-eondre Bly
Haboote Bly
Dominic Bly
Murray "Chipped Tooth" Bly
Heckashecka Bly
Cabbage Bly
Shui Kwan Bly
Eleanor Bly
Lance Bly
Ernest Bly Jr.
Quinathony Bly
P'Q'Weishon Bly
Gramps Bly
Patty Bly
The Bly
Sherman & Orel Bly
Good Old Ralphie Bly
Juan Bly
Jimmy "Earwax" Bly
Adondae Bly
Captain Vince Bly
Hillary Bly & plum
Lemmet Bly
Blanche Bly
Too-Too Bly
Yan Bly
Xavierzeron Bly
Dikembe Mutumbo-Bly


Source: Bly Family Historical Society & Cafeteria

DDAC announces tour schedule, release of new album

Darren Durly Appreciation Society, "the most influential band since Hee-Hee Hoo-Hoo" (Capolo Times), has announced the release date for their new album as well as a Spring, 2013 tour schedule.

The band-P'Q'Weishon Bly (lead vocals and rhythm guitar), Ipp Cooper (electric baseball glove) and Pete Pig (corn on the cob)-will release their 11th studio album Skipping Out On (A Buffet Bill).

DDAC will embark on a 20-show tour beginning in late-February, 2013. A portion of the tour proceeds will benefit T.W.H. (Tomatoes Without Homes).


2013 Tour Schedule

February 26 - Plastic Fork Culinary School
March 3 - Kennington Prison
March 4 - Rainbow Fairgrounds
March 7 - Fat Neck Glenn Memorial Amphitheater
March 9 - Misshapen Cracker Warehouse
March 10-11 - Mashed Potato Fest @ Ploop Fairgrounds
March 13 - Quinkley Asylum
March 15 - Hey Jerk Amphitheater
March 16 - Armadillo Fair @ Carpet Sample Park

2013 College Tour

April 1 - Crugg Hall (Crugg College)
April 4 - Shonsen Pepano Memorial Auditorium (Appaplondis University)
April 6 - Mud Pit 7 (Vanderells Technical Institute)
April 8 - The Worm Palace (Feathers College & Tackle Shop)
April 9 - Haboote Hall (Shershon University)
April 11 - Mud Pit 9 (Vanderells Technical Institute)
April 13 - Student Lounge East (Klauzenrodner University)

Regular tour concludes

April 17 - Otis Peakaboo Theater
April 18 - Ploop Fairgrounds
April 22 - Eddie Shermer Hall

* The April 22 tour finale will be played in Darren Durly's hometown of Earwax Valley. *

HJ Exterminators "Open For Business"

The Hey Jerk Exterminators, created by the masses, for the masses, have officially been opened for business. Lead by former Horace Chet Winkle, the Exterminators will take care of anything or anyone you may need exterminated. Chet "The Claw" Winkle once knew a man named Harold, and lets just say Harold is no longer of this Earth.

Winkle

Winkle will lead the Extermination Crew, joined by Hector Valdez and Fwui Wwompa (mule).

Rates:

Barry(s): $10/per, $50 for 3
Larry(s): N/A
Harry(s): $1010/per, $14 large for 23
Harold(s): $.14
Oscar Rainbow: included with purchase

For other rates, please contact willliam.petunia@gmail.com.

- Staff fart Viktor Sheng

Captain Bo Shmenga, and his Shmenga Tech AirWhales, Issue Challenge

Bofonga (Bo) Dondaldafalus Shmenga, coach of the world renowned Shmenga Tech (ST) AirWhales basketball squadron, has issued a challenged to HJ University Coach Lee Woogums.

Shmenga

"I hereby challenge Coach Woogums and his Hey Jerk Elephantmen basketball squad to a matchup for the millenium. Winning squadron takes remains of losing squadron as prize."

Shmenga, while best known for his unorthodox coaching practices (eliminates starting center at beginning of opening game each season, offers up as sacrifices to Lord Hippo, as well as flinging fecal at point guards), is also a widely respected humanitarian who once ate a rhinoceros whole in his efforts to eliminate walrus matriculation.

Coach Woogums responded "in the positive," and offered up his lineup in return to the challenge.

Elephantmen 2012

PG - Lil'Stinky P'Poo
SG - L'Kork Asheermon
SF - Bengal Bly (eaten)
PF - Rory Pockovitz
C - N/A

Bench - La Skippia Montagna-Riso, Pat Zyn Jr., Rectum Charles, Fafaa Foofahfahfeefahfoofahfeefah'o'e'o III

Date, time and location will be released in a subsequent post. Please stay tuned. 

- Hector Ballvich-Wagawoo

Hey Jerk's 3rd Anniversary Party

Hey Jerk turns 3 - November 24, 2012

Best of the last year

The best of the last 365 days at the Jerk, as voted on by an esteemed panel of judges:

* President Haboote Klonger

* Former eyelid model, Francene Bly

* That guy over there


12/2/11 Bodley rookie card for sale
12/23/11 Bison-Provo HS recap
1/1/12 Bison-Ruttlestown recap
1/18/12 Life evaluation list revealed
1/26/12 Bison-Kansas recap
2/3/12 Jesusman hired
2/6/12 Sanjay Lump assassinated
2/15/12 Von Schwii missing
2/29/12 Wendells
3/11/12 New organization formed
3/25/12 Ferris Bueller sequel titles
3/27/12 Winnepo-Jathaway IV set
4/23/12 DelRhinoceros breaks wind
4/26/12 Thursday afternoon baseball card auction
5/9/12 Hey Jerk basketball team formed
5/14/12 Ploops release first publicity photo
5/22/12 Al-PooKahKah finally on board
5/31/12 Celery woman found
6/1/12 ALERT: Larry Bird sighting
6/11/12 Football draft, round one
6/12/12 Football draft, round two
6/18/12 Durly era begins 
7/9/12 Rainbow goes 17th overall to Bison
7/10/12 Cast list announced
7/24/12 Editor Oscar Rainbow relocates
7/31/12 Day of reflection: a guide
8/23/12 Cast list announced
9/5/12 Little Danny: American hero
10/4/12 Police report
10/10/12 Merwood Dorris born
10/24/12 Henderson's original look identified
11/1/12 Beafort Festerfly Jr. takes over
11/11/12 Aunt Estelle on probation
11/20/12 Haboote Vongavich report released

Haboote Vongavich report released

"Haboote Vongavich is a well-liked man."

- Anonymous

"Haboote will bring us into the new millennium the same way his father did: wearing a pastrami helmet and carrying Merle Feinstein's left leg."

- Anonymous

"Vongavich? Kid can grab a defensive rebound, I'll tell you that much. Without him, we don't beat P'Q'W'Shon Prep and take home the Carpet Sample Book in '87."

- "Coach" Hubert Barfield

"Vongavich is a hated individual."

- Capolo Henderson

"Over a 17-day span in the early-1990s, Haboote Vongavich was eaten by a small group of squirrels."

- Squirrel historian Natalie Kellog

"I haven't had any luck reaching him, so maybe your site can help me. This is a direct message to Haboote Vongavich: I need my left leg back."

- Merle Feinstein

"I told you a number of times to get off of my roof. I do not want to be interviewed."

- Rhonda Bly