Walltortoise Found Deceased

Simplicito (Randy) Walltortoise Jr. has been found dead.

Walltortoise (DEAD)

It is believed that Randall was chewed on by a whale for hours and washed up on HJ shores due to "high tides" somewhere around 2 AM this morning. Staff Donut Hole Edward Chotch located the corpse while out for his morning wee wee. 

"There was a body on the beach" - Ed Chotch

Walltortoise will be remembered for his excellent potato chip sandwiches and his fondness of Timbuktu. He leaves behind his wife of 88 years, Grizelda, and their pet monkey Juan (deceased). 

Walltortoise's cubicle on the 14th floor is available for scavenging, first come first serve (I've got the can of black beans.)

- Staff Idiot Chuck Frozengard

Pennycow no longer with us

The Pennycow era ended as deliciously as it began with Nardsuckle being eaten by a koala bear.

"It's exactly how he would've wanted to go," said a statement issued by the unnamed koala bear's legal defense team. "All Pennycows must be consumed whole by a koala bear while in a drive-thru line at a Bojangles. It's written, in mashed potatoes, in the scriptures."

Pennycow was responsible for several initiatives while on staff, including Take Your Mailbox to Work Day.

A funeral is scheduled for Saturday when Pennycow's remains will be sprinkled on a 10-foot hoagie and consumed by the Yaycheeze family.

Emmit Hurley: deceased

Emmit Hurley, a staff correspondent from 1788-2015 has finally passed on/befriended Mookie Himself)..

Other Thursday morning passings:

* Bernie Broadway (rye bread)
* Tatiana Shwee
* The Shouse Sisters (fall out of ice cream truck)

Breaking: Oscar Rainbow Dead

Longtime contributor and Staff Lunatic/Murderer Oscar Rainbow has been found deceased in his box on 147th and Pine Street in Cleveland (Under the charcoal dumpster.)

Rainbow (Dead)

While the cause of death has not yet been made public, rumors indicate that Mr. Rainbow was SBGS (Squashed By Gorilla Stampede). Rainbow was found wearing his favorite "Oscar Rainbow Lives" t-shirt.

In lieu of flowers, please send cold-hard-cash to Enrie Ploop at:

1 Ernieploop Lane
Aardvark, Idaho 98078

Mr. Ploop will "spend the money on hookers and needle drugs."

So long, Oscar.

- Staff Idiot Bob Feathers

"Squiggleshitz Passes On...

...to a better life." - Brian Roberts

Barnard Squiggleshitz has left us here on Planet Derner, passing his soft-serve ice cream at approximately 3:05 p.m. MUST (Murray Standard Time).

"Squiggey was my best friend. I'm really really going to miss him." - microwave

The former 47, 48 and 49-year old leaves behind "dozens of unopened pieces of mail" (Didier Illustrated, Vol. 13, Issue 17), an autographed picture of former New York Pecans right fielder Dominic Dom-D'Mog'io, two tickets to Ketchup On Ice and a delicious recipe for Sandpaper Pasta written on a sheet of yellow, lined paper.

"And a VHS copy of the 1977 motion picture Another Girl Named Tiffany at Tiffany's." - Pastor/Bassist Bobby Feathers

Squiggleshitz's position as staff photograph of an onion has already been filled by a video of an unidentified man stepping on an onion.

[onion] - anonymous

Benequez passes on

Armando Benequez
1938-2014

* Father of three (potato skins)
* Elbows: 2.3

Buried underneath a pile of hoagie rolls (May 6)

Goodbye Percy Shottenfoos

Goodbye William Badinski

Jerk staff move into new HQ building

The 1,100-person/iguana/half-men-half-desk lamp/parakeet staff at the Jerk moved into a brand-new headquarters building Wednesday afternoon.

The staff had been housed in Derwood Forest, surviving on pond water and the remains of Dwayne Durly, since the original headquarters building collapsed in February, 2010.

After the ceremonial ear cutting, there was worldwide reaction to the move:

"That's huge news for Taiwan."

- Staff Randy Johnson

As has happened with the opening of each new headquarters building since the Jerk's inception in 1936, several staff members and onlookers perished during the move, including Vicente Padilla impersonator Murray Ruso, Buck Pepano, "Chaz", the singing ceiling fan of hope, Dorothy Glenn, Izz-4, Pee-Po-Gee-Johng, Jamison Jazzawick, Gary Fempot IV and the entire cast of the hit show Me And Ewing Zeeble.

PP Calhoun III Welcomed

Pork Product (PP) Calhoun III was welcomed to this Earth at 7:14 PM GST 4/7/13 by his mother, Henrietta, and father, PP Jr.

Abe Pakooka Photo

Mr. Pakooka was unavailable for comment.

- Wob Wobbins

UPDATE: PP III was eaten by an owl at 8:06 GST this evening and is no longer with us. 

DURLY KILLED

Longtime hated a**hole and pig pirate enthusiast Darren Durly has been offed, according to officials from THRADD (The Human Race Against Darren Durly).

The following photo, stamped for authenticity, has been released.

Durly (DEAD)

Durly, who was spotted at his favorite mom 'n' pop joint, Xomcheese's, was immediately confronted by THRADD Treasurer Bill Petunia.

"I saw the man slicing into a squirrel sandwich on rye and confronted him immediately. He threw the squirrel (still living) into my face, screamed profanities in Russian, and began to fly away. Luckily, THRADD officers had the place 'cased' and we were able to put down Durly with one shot to the forehead. After he was confirmed listless, we beat him for over an hour to confirm he was no longer with us. All that's left is a bloody tooth and some Durly Dirt (trademark pending)."

The loss of Durly is being internationally celebrated, with second and third world countries alike naming today a national holiday.

The President of Uganda, Jim, stated "This day will be celebrated by our country for years to come. It is now a national holiday and all will be granted the day off of work for celebration."

Wally stated "Its about time. Durly was an a**hole."

Durly's brother, Daquan, is still on the loose and being hunted by the Durly Foundation, in addition to several other anti-Durly establishments.

- Staff Durly Correspondent Wob Wobbins

HJ Late Night Monday Eaten Report

Mi-Shingo Lohooga (1999-2013)

EATEN

For any information you may have on the whereabouts of Mi-Shingo's elephant, Howhan, please contact Bob Feathers at bobbyfeathers@gmail.com.

Letter from Paul Ploop

My half-Horace, Paultonious Ploop, was eaten by a grizzly bear last Thursday. A few of his belongings were found at the scene, including a letter Paul sent to the University of Yaycheeze. Here is the letter in full:

Ursula,

Given name by associate. Need schoolotomy. Wish to "become" consulage (sp?).

I have all rights to become. Just need degree - please send documentacition for signing and presidential acknowledgement.

Need soon (walrus)

Ta-pachio,

Paul

Other items found: Stevie Bly autographed thigh, pastrami/napkin sandwich.

Garf Fee Elected President of the United States

Garfofomous Fee-Puehler, former Staff Antelope, has been elected President of the United States.

Fee

Fee will become the first non-US citizen to man The Oval Office, as he is an Israeli national. Also, Fee is half Camaro.

Fee has stated that his first order of business in office will be to eliminate any "people named Warren" or anyone "associated with a person named Warren" or "humans."

-Staff Walnut Albert Alberts

UPDATE: Fee has been assassinated by a yet to be identified mule. The Fee adminstration is over. Move on with your life.

Wheatley Passes On

Hey Jerk officials have learned former staff correspondent and eyebrow model Chon Wheatley has passed away. According to an eye-witness account from editor Capolo Henderson's racquetball teammate, Darren Durly Jr., Wheatley was in his elephant costume, wandering around on the highway when he burst into flames, melted and ran into a nearby drain.

Wheatley's checkered past, which includes a May, 2009 arrest for impersonating a bag of peanuts, didn't factor into the Jerk's decision to hire him as a staff correspondent Saturday.

In his short time on staff he penned several articles, most-notably the Haboote Shershon obituary that single-handedly won Belgium the silver medal in the 1,600-meter dash.

Wheatley (photo taken February 17)

A funeral for Wheatley was planned for Sunday at 4:00 p.m., but quickly cancelled due to the availability of pigeon ushers.

Thats All For Edwin Mo

Edwin Mo, former wrestler for Alamoth Elementary, has died. He was a hero amongst cattle herders in Antarctica.

Mo Passed.

- Wally

Shermer Passes

Aldis Shermer, "the man who ate a potato and bathed in a pool of front lawn in the 70s", has died of potato overdose, according to a Harriet Leonard with knowledge of the situation.

Shermer, who had a Maylow County-record four belly buttons, played for and scored four goals for the Chicago Blackhawks from 1988-1994, then married a piece of grilled salmon in May, 2006, was four months away from retiring as the mayor of IshMish, Maryland.

Funeral services are scheduled for September 22 at 4:00 p.m. Harolds and Danielles will be served.


- Staff correspondent J.J. Jaboo

Berry Killed

Schlofko Berry, and his unknown accomplice, has been murdered by Shonsen Pepano Sr.

Berry (DEAD)

Berry was wanted for crimes committed in "previous lives" and for cow incest. He will be remembered most for the 1977 hippo fellatio he performed on the mound at Fenway Park in Boston, relieving old Lenny Hippo of his "hippo juice" on national TV.

Services will be held at the Burger King in Conyers, Ga. Kirk Ashirmen will be on the 1's and 2's, and the President will be there to enjoy a cheeseburger and strawberry milkshake.

- Staff Berry Man Walt Waltson

Foof era ends

Sad/delightful/chili-flavored news out of Jerk headquarters this afternoon as longtime staff member Aarwin "Every Other Thursday" Foof has lost his life. Early reports indicate Foof, who averaged 7.3 rebounds per game for the 2008 NBA champion Minnesota Timberwolves, tried to live in a refrigerator to "win a bet with a cockroach", but perished in the vegetable crisper at approximately 12:45 p.m. ERST.

"It's what the vegetable crisper would've wanted," said the freezer in a statement released by the refrigerator's lawyer, door handle.

Foof's purple sedan body will be auctioned off at the Jerk's 4th annual Body Part Auction & Spaghetti Cook-Off, August 7 at the Capolo Auditorium.

Winkelhaus Dead

Chemp Winkelhaus, former governor of over there someplace and the "fifth Lump", passed away Thursday night. Police reports indicate a witness saw Winkelhaus enter his Ruso Avenue home at around 9:45 p.m., then steak sauce began pouring out of the windows and chimney and Winklehaus was pronounced dead of a steak sauce overdose at 10:10 p.m.

A funeral has been scheduled for June 2 at 1:00 p.m., though no one on staff appreciated Winkelhaus' stance on same-sex deck sanding, and a light crowd is expected.

- Staff correspondent J.P. Poppadopolis