Walltortoise Found Deceased

Simplicito (Randy) Walltortoise Jr. has been found dead.

Walltortoise (DEAD)

It is believed that Randall was chewed on by a whale for hours and washed up on HJ shores due to "high tides" somewhere around 2 AM this morning. Staff Donut Hole Edward Chotch located the corpse while out for his morning wee wee. 

"There was a body on the beach" - Ed Chotch

Walltortoise will be remembered for his excellent potato chip sandwiches and his fondness of Timbuktu. He leaves behind his wife of 88 years, Grizelda, and their pet monkey Juan (deceased). 

Walltortoise's cubicle on the 14th floor is available for scavenging, first come first serve (I've got the can of black beans.)

- Staff Idiot Chuck Frozengard

Frozengard Consumed by Mule

In somewhat expected news this morning, former Staff Elephant Chuck Frozengard was eaten late last night by a mule (Phil).

Frozengard (DEAD)

It is believed that Frozengard approached Phil the Mule after a "road-rage" incident occurred between the two. Bystanders have stated that Frozengard was driving "clearly over 75 miles per hour" in reverse down a local side-street when Phil the Mule verbally accosted Frozengard. After a brief shouting match, Frozengard slammed the brakes and exited his vehicle, believed to be a 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

"He removed all of his clothing and ran violently towards Phil" stated local resident Bob Bobbalo.

Details get murky at this point, though it is known that Frozengard was consumed during a candlelight vigil outside the Bobbalo home. A bottle of merlot was served by Phil the Mule to all in the audience.

Services will not be held for Frozengard, as he has already been flushed down the toilet.

- Staff Mule Reporter Gerry Muleman

Henderson invited to Spring Camp

Capolo Henderson has officially put the town of Mockmoodle on the map.

Henderson, a native of the peanut shell farming town, was recently invited to 2013 spring camp for the new expansion leaf-eating contest team, the Pershack County Cinnamon Buffalo. The Hey Jerk editor, 46, will compete for a spot on the team with fellow spring invitees Lyle Larue, Jo-he-Jo Pong, Unu Anu, Molly Binkwell, Romelio Yockcheeze and Shevvie Salazar, "The Rigatoni From Albahony".

Henderson released a cryptic statement through his lawyer, turnip:

"I'll make the team, and when I make the team I'm eliminating some people. First to be eliminated is Charles Frozengard. Second to go will be Ernest Ploop, the man who stole my elbow in '93 and used it to help Iceland win a bronze medal. Finally, I will be taking the roofs off houses at the following locations: 314 Vernon Valley Road, 2629 Ooork Avenue, the Sal Delmonico apartment complex, 940 Balboni Crossing and 6650 Warren Lump Lane."


- Correspondent Lobbo Blongamyre

Final results are in: Zinn wins

Historic news from Jerk headquarters as Padrick "Only On Wednesdays" Zinn won the 2012 vote to play Oscar Rainbow in the 2019 film Again With The Radishes?

Zinn received the first vote, by Harold Plumm on January 17, 2012, and led the entire way, a first in the Jerk's 37-year history. Zinn received a total of 14 votes, while Gheorge Muresan and Soccerball Schwynn finished tied for second with six votes each.


Final results

Zinn  14 votes (41% of the vote)
Muresan 6 votes (17%)
Schwynn 6 votes (17%)
Ed Xomcheese 5 votes (14%)
Yi-Yi Pu Fwen 2 votes (5%)
Barack Obama 1 vote (2%)

Did not receive votes

Chuck Frozengard
Schmegloid Shalom
Kirk Ashirminn

Frozengard Missing; Rhino Attack Feared

Chuck Frozengard, retired Staff Hobo and local idiot, has gone missing from his perch above Jerk HQ, where he has been living in peace and blowing wind since late 2011.

Frozengard (Last known photo)

While little is known about the reclusive lifestyle Frozengard has embraced over the past year, a few facts have been verified as to his daily routines:

- He makes at 9 AM, 10 AM, 11:30 AM, 11:45 AM, 1 PM, 2 PM, 4 PM, 7 PM, 7:05 PM, and 9:30 PM daily

- He comes down from his perch to hunt gorilla at 3 PM every day

- He befriended a rhino (Gerard) in early 2012. Began "mating" with Gerard March, 2012

- Was seen arguing with Gerard late Apriil, 2012. Gerard overheard threatening attack on Frozengard
"and his people" for "rights due the Rhino civilization"

Other than these few facts, Frozengard's life remains a secret. He went missing from his perch yesterday evening, and is feared deceased

UPDATE: A ransom note has been located on HQ premises. Demands include "Rights due the Rhino civilization," a bag of salted walnuts, Ernest Zeck, and 14 dollars Canadian. Staff President Fat Neck Glenn has not yet decided if he will comply, or let Frozengard "move on to the next phase."

- Staff Frozengard Man Alfonse Quegg

Jerk Makes Influential Hire

A new era has begun at the Jerk as a Staff Wayne Tolleson has finally been hired. Warren Lump, who on more than one occasion has been mistaken for a giant piece of chewed bubblegum with neckarms, was hired Sunday afternoon. Lump, who arrived from the planet Mushroom with "homicidal thoughts" (Zellichtown Register, 9/27/11) recently found "God", a graham cracker underneath Boris Wilson's living room couch, and has devoted his life to peace and understanding. And taco shell ear muffs.

Lump also ate a mouse in 1988, which single-handily helped Norway to gold in the Olympic games. He is reportedly at odds with several staff members, including Charles Frozengard and staff editor Oscar Rainbow.

Balboni Returns

Staff Steve Balboni Steve Balboni, last seen in early May falling off the roof of HQ, wandered back to HQ this morning, completely naked.

Balboni



Balboni, known around HQ for his monsterous doodies and missing underwear, was not welcomed back into HQ. Instead, he was thrown into the dungeon with Chuck Frozengard, who escaped assassination this AM when he flung fecal at the guardsmen, permanently blinding him.

Balboni and Christensen have since fornicated, resulting in a Frozengard pregnancy. Please check back in the coming days for updates on the coming child.

- Staff Balboni man Warren Lump

Frozengard Finds Way Through Woods, Back to HQ

Frozengard has been spotted.

"He's back."

That was what Staff President Rodney Glenn had to say after hearing of the arrival. Frozengard, according to associated press reports, has apparently been undercover in Chile attempting to hunt down the famous Acorn Murderer. He was unsuccessful, however, and returned to HQ while attempting to pick his nose.

Frozengard



Frozengard will not be hired, but instead will be assassinated at first light tomorrow. He is currently locked in HJ dungeon.

- Staff Frozengard Man Bilbo Binkley