Poppings Family Arrives

"The Poppings Family! Now we can really get peanut butter sculptures completed."

- Bartolo Colon impersonator Edward Xomcheese


Fearing a possible Jeroo dynasty, the Poppings family (Ann Arbor, Michigan) have arrived at Jerk headquarters and immediately declared Horace on the Jeroos.

The battle is expected to begin in late-June with several thousand from both families participating in winner-take-Ernie racquet ball.


The Poppings

Lance Poppings
Ziizzo Poppings
Hillary Tomulkins-Poppings
"Pops" Poppings
Greg Galloway
Perry Poppings
Xavier "Big Cantaloupe" Poppings
Peeps Poppings
Terry Jeroo
Possum Poppings
Bernard Bly
Plopps Poppings
Little Cantaloupe Poppings
Vaz Poppings
Wendy Jeroo
Piano Keys Poppings
Footballhelmet Poppings
Carla Poppings-Jeroo
Pweeg-hanavitz Poppings
Jim


Source: Poppings Family Historical Society & Rat Trap Warehouse

Final results are in: Zinn wins

Historic news from Jerk headquarters as Padrick "Only On Wednesdays" Zinn won the 2012 vote to play Oscar Rainbow in the 2019 film Again With The Radishes?

Zinn received the first vote, by Harold Plumm on January 17, 2012, and led the entire way, a first in the Jerk's 37-year history. Zinn received a total of 14 votes, while Gheorge Muresan and Soccerball Schwynn finished tied for second with six votes each.


Final results

Zinn  14 votes (41% of the vote)
Muresan 6 votes (17%)
Schwynn 6 votes (17%)
Ed Xomcheese 5 votes (14%)
Yi-Yi Pu Fwen 2 votes (5%)
Barack Obama 1 vote (2%)

Did not receive votes

Chuck Frozengard
Schmegloid Shalom
Kirk Ashirminn

Higgins Passes On To Roryland

Mildew Higgins, former wide receiver for the San Francisco 49ers, has passed away, according to a recliner with potato chip crumbs near the situation. Higgins arrived from planet Capolo in the spring of 1958 and immediately made changes, though no one on the Jerk staff has been able to identify what those changes were.

"It's possible we lost the changes in the great Change Disaster of 1983," said staff editor Ed Xomcheese, who is referring to the July day when dozens of nickels were lost at sea.

Higgins' family declined to have a funeral for the former neck hair model, instead choosing to grind up the deceased's body and use him as a garnish on a future casserole.

"It's what Mildew would've wanted," said Harold Leach.

Xomcheese Returns, Insane

Edward Xomcheese, longtime editor and fan favorite here at The Jerk, has returned. Upon hearing of the rumors that he had gone missing, Xomcheese returned with a vengeance.

Xomcheese


Xomcheese released the following statement through his spokesman, Bob Brenly:

"I did not, despite reports to the contrary, EVER go missing. I simply chose a rebirth. I have traveled the world wide, from the United States to Canada, and have come back a man on a mission. That mission? To eliminate this blog from within. I will infiltrate. I will infest. I will destroy. Not one will survive, not even Glenn.

All of you remember me as the gracious Ed Xomcheese-harmless, kind, poo-giving. That Xomcheese is no more. My name is now Eddie Xomcheese The Great - and you will all suffer my wrath."

Authorities have been called.

- Staff Xomcheese Man Warren Lump

Xomcheese Missing

Staff editor Edward Xomcheese has reportedly gone missing, according to a guy sitting over there next to that other guy. Xomcheese was put on suspension for lettuce evasion for the entire month of June and when he returned an armadillo was growing in his hair. Though he did contribute to several breaking stories including Capolo Tinkled Himself Again (August 22, 2011) and News Story, Part 6 (September 8, 2011), Xomcheese went missing on several occasions in early October and Jerk officials feel the latest incident could signal the end of the 53-year old's tenure.

Xomcheese's lawyer, tractor, declined comment.