The first round of the Hey Jerk Mule Draft took place Monday evening at Aubrey Sanchules Memorial Gymnasium.
First round analysis by Bobby Feathers - odd-numbered picks, and Capolo Henderson - even-numbered picks.
1 -
Portland. Tiny Torkelson, Paulfield Technical Institute. Torkelson impressed scouts with his grass-eating (53 blades/minute) and by being able to hold his breath under mustard for a combine-record 17 minutes, 23 seconds.
2 -
Ottawa. Phil Devito, LSU. Devito is a shocking pick here considering he graded out as a late 7th round pick at the combine. Likely trade bait for a team choosing in near future. Devito did once eat a raccoon whole while campaigning for mayor of Australia.
3 -
Huntsberry. Illeeoh Olladiaye, no college. Huntsberry takes a gamble with the native of the Zuss Jungle as Olladiaye was a hippopotamus from 1989-2008 and only recently had a mule operation. Had his ears surgically removed and replaced with potato chips in January.
4 -
Staten Island. Boonsauce Wecky, Chinese Academy of Murder, Hong Kong. Staten Island goes "international" with their first round pick, plucking highly regarded Wecky out of China - literally. He was assaulted, gagged, and placed in a white van bound for America. No further updates.
5 -
Sork Valley. P’Qwan Attley Jr., Queh College and Raisin Factory. Expansion Watersquirrels take the youngest player in the draft, Attley, a third-generation piece of sandpaper. Signability is an issue as agent, pecan, said Attley wouldn’t sign “for anything less than 13 grade school children’s drawings of tomatoes”.
** DRAFT UPDATE **
No. 1 pick Tiny Torkelson has been traded from Portland to Herman Valley for a grocery bag of deceased fire ants.
Herman Valley general manager Twon Pepano:
"With Torkelson on the roster we immediately become a contender for the 2013 Pencil Case, and I also just swallowed whole a pocket-size dictionary to win a $7 bet. It's a great day for the franchise."
6 -
Horace.
Bo-Bon Biffley, Northside Hospital. The Horaces make history by choosing an unborn fetus, as Margaret Biffley is due in mid-May. Nothing is known of upcoming son Bo-Bon, but it is believed that his father is a mule-man.
7 -
British Columbia. Miles Lemmick, Pepano University. A surprise pick by the Skypencils, who were reportedly looking to forfeit the pick and have front office personnel share a bowl of owner Horace Grunfield’s wife Maureen’s beef stew. Instead, BC selects Lemmick, who on the final day of the combine bathed in gravel.
8 -
Ottawa - Dan Devito, Actor. Ottawa makes their second awe-inspiring pick of the day, choosing famous actor Danny Devito with the 8th pick in the draft (acquired in the Howard Fimply trade with Russia - October 1998). Devito is believed to be seeking a ham sandwich signing bonus in addition to new "skidmark-free" underwear.
9 -
Jasper County. Ewing Zeeble, Vweetley University. While at college Zeeble set national records, including most beard hair eaten (1.3 pounds) and purplest bruise (May 18, 2010).
10 -
Kroger Food Industries - Stockton Poop, Poop Modeling School of the Arts. Poop is famous for having eaten 5 other mules simultaneously while singing the Canadian national anthem (August, 2003).
11 -
Tallahassee. Ollie Moo-Zhwang, College of Liverwurst. Scout: “Carries enough pickle juice in his socks to make an impact right away, but if it comes down to late-game goldfish eating, will he be able to shake off the ’11 national title match loss when he put his fish, Juwon, in his ear?”
12 -
Milwaukee. Melmo Mockamock, Hot Dog University. Hippo who originally decided to become an accountant but after years of debits and credits got into the Mule racket. Projected 4th line muler.
13 -
San Antonio. Ross Oberman, Poog Cronin College Online. The Ceilingdragons take Oberman, who was last seen in June, 1987 propositioning with an oak tree for a ride to the airport. While at PGCO, Oberman spent a school-record 13 consecutive days living in a washing machine.
14 -
Antarctica. Darren Durly, Cleveland Hobo University. Draft stock slipped to late first round for one time "sure thing" No. 1 pick, as his diarrhea issues became a concern after the Detroit defecation incident 4 months "prior."
15 -
Lewisville. Hakeem Ernack, Queh College and Raisin Factory. The second mule taken from Queh College, Ernack is expected to compete for one of Lewisville’s vacant leaf pointer positions. Had all 10 of his fingers surgically removed and replaced by green beans as a Christmas present to his former wife, pillow (December, 2006).
** DRAFT UPDATE **
According to multiple reports, No. 9 overall pick Ewing Zeeble was eaten by an elephant. Jasper County, who drafted Zeeble out of Vweetley University, will be compensated with two, eight-ounce cups of sand, as per the league's draft rules.
16 -
San Antonio. Phil Devito, LSU (deceased). Since being picked an hour earlier at number 2 by the Ottawa Rattlers, Phil Devito had developed a needle drug habit and was found deceased at his stable in South Dakota. San Antonio, having recently lost their deceased team member Reginald Frompley, jumped on the opportunity to draft Devito and believe he can be a solid dead-line member for years to come.
