Gastenavich, who has a Gastenavich family record five noses, is expected to play right field for the Bison, who are coming off a 17-93 season that ended with the passing of beloved manager/outfield fence, Marty Wickle.
Showing posts with label hey jerk bison. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hey jerk bison. Show all posts
April 1, 2013
Gastenavich To Wear #14
Myron Gastenavich, who recently signed a four-year, 6 million egg shell contract to defect from Henntberry of the Shallow-East Legaue to play for the Hey Jerk Bison softball team, has decided to wear the jersey number 14 for the upcoming season.
Gastenavich, who has a Gastenavich family record five noses, is expected to play right field for the Bison, who are coming off a 17-93 season that ended with the passing of beloved manager/outfield fence, Marty Wickle.
Gastenavich, who has a Gastenavich family record five noses, is expected to play right field for the Bison, who are coming off a 17-93 season that ended with the passing of beloved manager/outfield fence, Marty Wickle.
November 23, 2012
Best of the last year
The best of the last 365 days at the Jerk, as voted on by an esteemed panel of judges:
* President Haboote Klonger
* Former eyelid model, Francene Bly
* That guy over there
12/2/11 Bodley rookie card for sale
12/23/11 Bison-Provo HS recap
1/1/12 Bison-Ruttlestown recap
1/18/12 Life evaluation list revealed
1/26/12 Bison-Kansas recap
2/3/12 Jesusman hired
2/6/12 Sanjay Lump assassinated
2/15/12 Von Schwii missing
2/29/12 Wendells
3/11/12 New organization formed
3/25/12 Ferris Bueller sequel titles
3/27/12 Winnepo-Jathaway IV set
4/23/12 DelRhinoceros breaks wind
4/26/12 Thursday afternoon baseball card auction
5/9/12 Hey Jerk basketball team formed
5/14/12 Ploops release first publicity photo
5/22/12 Al-PooKahKah finally on board
5/31/12 Celery woman found
6/1/12 ALERT: Larry Bird sighting
6/11/12 Football draft, round one
6/12/12 Football draft, round two
6/18/12 Durly era begins
7/9/12 Rainbow goes 17th overall to Bison
7/10/12 Cast list announced
7/24/12 Editor Oscar Rainbow relocates
7/31/12 Day of reflection: a guide
8/23/12 Cast list announced
9/5/12 Little Danny: American hero
10/4/12 Police report
10/10/12 Merwood Dorris born
10/24/12 Henderson's original look identified
11/1/12 Beafort Festerfly Jr. takes over
11/11/12 Aunt Estelle on probation
11/20/12 Haboote Vongavich report released
* President Haboote Klonger
* Former eyelid model, Francene Bly
* That guy over there
12/2/11 Bodley rookie card for sale
12/23/11 Bison-Provo HS recap
1/1/12 Bison-Ruttlestown recap
1/18/12 Life evaluation list revealed
1/26/12 Bison-Kansas recap
2/3/12 Jesusman hired
2/6/12 Sanjay Lump assassinated
2/15/12 Von Schwii missing
2/29/12 Wendells
3/11/12 New organization formed
3/25/12 Ferris Bueller sequel titles
3/27/12 Winnepo-Jathaway IV set
4/23/12 DelRhinoceros breaks wind
4/26/12 Thursday afternoon baseball card auction
5/9/12 Hey Jerk basketball team formed
5/14/12 Ploops release first publicity photo
5/22/12 Al-PooKahKah finally on board
5/31/12 Celery woman found
6/1/12 ALERT: Larry Bird sighting
6/11/12 Football draft, round one
6/12/12 Football draft, round two
6/18/12 Durly era begins
7/9/12 Rainbow goes 17th overall to Bison
7/10/12 Cast list announced
7/24/12 Editor Oscar Rainbow relocates
7/31/12 Day of reflection: a guide
8/23/12 Cast list announced
9/5/12 Little Danny: American hero
10/4/12 Police report
10/10/12 Merwood Dorris born
10/24/12 Henderson's original look identified
11/1/12 Beafort Festerfly Jr. takes over
11/11/12 Aunt Estelle on probation
11/20/12 Haboote Vongavich report released
June 7, 2012
Bison B Summer Roster Announced
The Hey Jerk Bison summer barnstorming tours, which since 1983 have thrilled Harry Mertle, return June 21 with the Bison's opener against Pepano East.
The Bison will also have a 'B' team and the roster was announced Thursday afternoon.
Oden Wullmyer - 1B/OF
Peanut Mo Babbish - INF
Cito Clyde - RHP
Johnny Dwerp - OF
Teddy Ulmerberry - LHP
E-Ron Pippe - INF
Bobby Toobishfott - SS
Beth Butterscotch - RHP
Clem Carter -INF/OF
Lance Bleacherman - RHP
Jojo Bly - OF/RHP
Jill Jelly - INF
Otto Dwerp - 2B
Paco - RHP
Manager: Vinny Babooch (goldfish)
The Bison will also have a 'B' team and the roster was announced Thursday afternoon.
Oden Wullmyer - 1B/OF
Peanut Mo Babbish - INF
Cito Clyde - RHP
Johnny Dwerp - OF
Teddy Ulmerberry - LHP
E-Ron Pippe - INF
Bobby Toobishfott - SS
Beth Butterscotch - RHP
Clem Carter -INF/OF
Lance Bleacherman - RHP
Jojo Bly - OF/RHP
Jill Jelly - INF
Otto Dwerp - 2B
Paco - RHP
Manager: Vinny Babooch (goldfish)
May 9, 2012
Hey Jerk basketball team formed
The Hey Jerk Bison of the M.M.S.B.A. (Mort Mejito Summer Basketball Association) made its final cuts Friday evening. Here is the final roster:
Head coach: Harvey Plumme
Assistant rabbit: Hops
Assistant in charge of gathering/distributing ice packs: Paul Paulfield III
Spirituality: the ghost of Dr. Crugg
Guards
Little Pete
Roscoe Albergheny
Vinnie Doo
K'Shontae Nettles
Earwax Duttlesby
Forwards
Xavier Nakeel
Hector Ku
Big Forehead Carl
Morris Nathaniel
Horace Ku
Zeke Bly
Centers
The Experience
Percy Swoopes
Larry Dulfman
Head coach: Harvey Plumme
Assistant rabbit: Hops
Assistant in charge of gathering/distributing ice packs: Paul Paulfield III
Spirituality: the ghost of Dr. Crugg
Guards
Little Pete
Roscoe Albergheny
Vinnie Doo
K'Shontae Nettles
Earwax Duttlesby
Forwards
Xavier Nakeel
Hector Ku
Big Forehead Carl
Morris Nathaniel
Horace Ku
Zeke Bly
Centers
The Experience
Percy Swoopes
Larry Dulfman
March 12, 2012
Bison Season, Existence Over
The Hey Jerk Bison, who shocked many by losing only a single game this season, were ready to take the world by storm and win the Championship of the Earth. Playoffs were ready to begin, and most experts had the Bison running the table. They were peaking at the right time, and had the "tools to succeed" (P. Zyn, 1972 - 2012). Then, tragedy struck.
Hey Jerk Bison (Deceased)
The Bison, a franchise in existence for over 120 years, has been lost.
While busing the team to their first playoff game in Cleveland, a problem arose. At around 3:00 AM GST yesterday evening, the bus spontaneously exploded, leaving nothing but charred bones and a bologna sandwich behind.
Not a single soul was saved. Team ownership were engaged in meetings in Salt Lake City, Utah when the news hit. Before they had a chance to remorse, ownership Headquarters was run over by a rabid herd of elephants, leaving all in the facility deceased.
Due to the rare combination of natural disasters, the Bison team has been destroyed. The once proud franchise, famous for the 1947 post-apocalyptic mule race from New York to Los Angeles, is no more. Next season will be a sad one for HJ fans, as the most they can hope for is an expansion team to be granted to the once proud city.
We are sorry for your loss.
- Staff Bison Man Kirk Ashirman
Hey Jerk Bison (Deceased)
The Bison, a franchise in existence for over 120 years, has been lost.
While busing the team to their first playoff game in Cleveland, a problem arose. At around 3:00 AM GST yesterday evening, the bus spontaneously exploded, leaving nothing but charred bones and a bologna sandwich behind.
Not a single soul was saved. Team ownership were engaged in meetings in Salt Lake City, Utah when the news hit. Before they had a chance to remorse, ownership Headquarters was run over by a rabid herd of elephants, leaving all in the facility deceased.
Due to the rare combination of natural disasters, the Bison team has been destroyed. The once proud franchise, famous for the 1947 post-apocalyptic mule race from New York to Los Angeles, is no more. Next season will be a sad one for HJ fans, as the most they can hope for is an expansion team to be granted to the once proud city.
We are sorry for your loss.
- Staff Bison Man Kirk Ashirman
February 7, 2012
Playoff schedule released
The schedule for the 2012 WFL playoffs has been released.
First round (February 29)
No. 8 University of Maryland at No. 1 Hey Jerk Bison
No. 7 Mud People at No. 2 ADRS
No. 6 St. Louis Rams at No. 3 The Worm Store
No. 5 11 Chubby Guys Named Jerry at No. 4 Kennington Prison
National semifinals (March 7)
Championship of Planet Earth (March 14)
First round (February 29)
No. 8 University of Maryland at No. 1 Hey Jerk Bison
No. 7 Mud People at No. 2 ADRS
No. 6 St. Louis Rams at No. 3 The Worm Store
No. 5 11 Chubby Guys Named Jerry at No. 4 Kennington Prison
National semifinals (March 7)
Championship of Planet Earth (March 14)
January 26, 2012
Final Game of Bison Regular Season Has its Ups, Downs
Bernie, Kansas - As the Bison took the field to take on the powerhouse Kansas Jayhawk squadron (0-14 w-l, 14 PA, 1403 PA), the crowd stood for a moment of silence to honor recently deceased Miles Derner.
Derner (DEAD)
Moving on to the game, the Bison had issues coming in. 4th string receiver Pat Zyn was incarcerated and electrocuted, so a need at wide receiver had arisen. Cue Hojo Blotch, 145th all time in yards receiving for Gershner County High (1956-1960).
Blotch
Blotch, a lifetime Giants fan, unfortunately showed up for the game nude. Either way, the man produced on the field. He instantly became Sherman's favorite target, catching 17 balls for 433 yds and 17 TDs. Running Back Skip Ruso also ran for just north of 1100 yds and 12 TDs in this one, which was 56-0 before the Jayhawks touched the ball. After a Jayhawk touched the ball, the refs gave it back to the Bison, who continued the romp by shoving the ball up Jayhawk coach Charlie Weis's coolie, who responded by eating the ball and being carted off on a stretcher. Assistant coach Shealy took over from there, and the Bison continued to roll. Fullback Koo-shua Hu ate 7 opposing players, including one time POTUS Angelo Foomgong, and made on the Jayhawks sidelines. Dead Karol flew off into the sunset, and grew banana legs along the way. Steven "hobo" Christensen lost his head, literally, then picked it up and flew to the nearest McDonalds for a salami sandwich. Sherman evaporated at halftime. All in all, this was a successful showing for the Bison, who ended the regular season strong with a 208-0 win over the rival Kansas squadron.
Next up: Playoffs TBD
- Staff Bison Man Travonjalicious Fwemp
Derner (DEAD)
Moving on to the game, the Bison had issues coming in. 4th string receiver Pat Zyn was incarcerated and electrocuted, so a need at wide receiver had arisen. Cue Hojo Blotch, 145th all time in yards receiving for Gershner County High (1956-1960).
Blotch
Blotch, a lifetime Giants fan, unfortunately showed up for the game nude. Either way, the man produced on the field. He instantly became Sherman's favorite target, catching 17 balls for 433 yds and 17 TDs. Running Back Skip Ruso also ran for just north of 1100 yds and 12 TDs in this one, which was 56-0 before the Jayhawks touched the ball. After a Jayhawk touched the ball, the refs gave it back to the Bison, who continued the romp by shoving the ball up Jayhawk coach Charlie Weis's coolie, who responded by eating the ball and being carted off on a stretcher. Assistant coach Shealy took over from there, and the Bison continued to roll. Fullback Koo-shua Hu ate 7 opposing players, including one time POTUS Angelo Foomgong, and made on the Jayhawks sidelines. Dead Karol flew off into the sunset, and grew banana legs along the way. Steven "hobo" Christensen lost his head, literally, then picked it up and flew to the nearest McDonalds for a salami sandwich. Sherman evaporated at halftime. All in all, this was a successful showing for the Bison, who ended the regular season strong with a 208-0 win over the rival Kansas squadron.
Next up: Playoffs TBD
- Staff Bison Man Travonjalicious Fwemp
January 19, 2012
Bison Throttle Mud People, Move To 8-1
"Like macaroni noodles through an alarm clock, so are the times of burnt toast and highway gravel eating contests."
"The above quote, attributed to facist dictator Herman Crubb, was taped to the wall of the visiting locker room at Darf Ferera Stadium in an effort to inspire the Hey Jerk Bison. Not only did the quote inspire the Bison football team, but it also inspired Harry Vanderells to swim to England in an attempt to reunite an ostrich with another ostrich."
- Quote taken from the beginning of this story
Standing in the way of the Bison and their attempt to clinch the Piso Division title and a bye in the first round of the Abner Playoffs & Elementary School Band Recital Competition, were the Mud People, coached by Ralph Friedgen. The Mud People had lost each of their first eight games by an average margin of 36 points, but Friedgen wasn't going to let his squad Shealy on this day.
"We didn't come here to Shealy," Freidgen said to his mailbox before the game.
"Instead, they Shealy'd," said Linda Pwayne's mother-in-law, Beatrice.
On the first possession of the game, the Bison marched down the field, getting a 50-yard pass from quarterback Kurt Sherman, who was dressed in only a poncho and his giraffe mask, to Skip Ruso. After the play, Ruso boarded his spaceship to the clouds and was never heard from again. John Hu, vilified all week in several publications, including Vilification Today and the Nunce Valley Times, for is charity organization-Peanut Shells For Troops-and their anti-deodorant marches through downtown Kleppitch, scored from three yards to put the Bison up 7-0.
The visitors made it 14-0 when Sherman executed the statue of Rory Corcoran play, handing off to Dead Karol for a touchdown. The Mud People tried to put together a drive late in the second quarter, but were stuck in mud.
"They made their mud, now they have to sit in it," said Otis Lazlo.
At halftime, Friedgen ate a water fountain and declared war on his pants. Police apprehended the coach and carted him off, while Sherman and caretaker Doris Leonard followed in Sherman's wheelbarrow.
With only four active players left-newly signed receiver Pat Zyn, Irving Piso, The Anecdote and ham sandwich national champion Steven Christensen-the Bison stuck to the ground game and score twice more in the third before coach Al Davis pulled the team off the field.
"_________", said Al Davis, who died late last year.
Final: Bison 28, Mud People 0
"The above quote, attributed to facist dictator Herman Crubb, was taped to the wall of the visiting locker room at Darf Ferera Stadium in an effort to inspire the Hey Jerk Bison. Not only did the quote inspire the Bison football team, but it also inspired Harry Vanderells to swim to England in an attempt to reunite an ostrich with another ostrich."
- Quote taken from the beginning of this story
Standing in the way of the Bison and their attempt to clinch the Piso Division title and a bye in the first round of the Abner Playoffs & Elementary School Band Recital Competition, were the Mud People, coached by Ralph Friedgen. The Mud People had lost each of their first eight games by an average margin of 36 points, but Friedgen wasn't going to let his squad Shealy on this day.
"We didn't come here to Shealy," Freidgen said to his mailbox before the game.
"Instead, they Shealy'd," said Linda Pwayne's mother-in-law, Beatrice.
On the first possession of the game, the Bison marched down the field, getting a 50-yard pass from quarterback Kurt Sherman, who was dressed in only a poncho and his giraffe mask, to Skip Ruso. After the play, Ruso boarded his spaceship to the clouds and was never heard from again. John Hu, vilified all week in several publications, including Vilification Today and the Nunce Valley Times, for is charity organization-Peanut Shells For Troops-and their anti-deodorant marches through downtown Kleppitch, scored from three yards to put the Bison up 7-0.
The visitors made it 14-0 when Sherman executed the statue of Rory Corcoran play, handing off to Dead Karol for a touchdown. The Mud People tried to put together a drive late in the second quarter, but were stuck in mud.
"They made their mud, now they have to sit in it," said Otis Lazlo.
At halftime, Friedgen ate a water fountain and declared war on his pants. Police apprehended the coach and carted him off, while Sherman and caretaker Doris Leonard followed in Sherman's wheelbarrow.
With only four active players left-newly signed receiver Pat Zyn, Irving Piso, The Anecdote and ham sandwich national champion Steven Christensen-the Bison stuck to the ground game and score twice more in the third before coach Al Davis pulled the team off the field.
"_________", said Al Davis, who died late last year.
Final: Bison 28, Mud People 0
January 11, 2012
Bison Bye-Week Report
Bison Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp was on the "scene" this morning, with updates on several Bison players during the teams much needed off week.
Ruso: Asleep since Sunday. Team officials fear possible DIB (Doody in Bed) and have sent a security regimen and public relations crew to Ruso's abode in case of disaster.
Sherman: Missing. Has not been seen since running off the field, pantsless and screaming, in third quarter or last weeks game. Team officials say reports of Sherman sightings in Kuala Lumpur "have no grounds."
Christensen: Attempting to break record for ham sandwiches eaten during one week period - has until 5 Eastern to do so. Currently at 567.5. Judge Harkenberry removed two sandwiches from current count due to "failure to comply with mustard regulations." Needs to pass 701 in order to set record.
Hu: Being held at team facility due to concerns over "knee explosions" due to weight issues. Has been fed intravenously over course of week and has lost over 1 pound.
Zyn: Found deceased shortly after game concluded in upper deck section 301 lavatory. Note left at scene stated "See you guys in two weeks. Mud People Stink!"
T.O.D. - Left team on own accord due to "personal issues" with quarterback Kurt Sherman. "We just weren't seeing eye to eye on the future of eggplant on this planet."
- Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp
Ruso: Asleep since Sunday. Team officials fear possible DIB (Doody in Bed) and have sent a security regimen and public relations crew to Ruso's abode in case of disaster.
Sherman: Missing. Has not been seen since running off the field, pantsless and screaming, in third quarter or last weeks game. Team officials say reports of Sherman sightings in Kuala Lumpur "have no grounds."
Christensen: Attempting to break record for ham sandwiches eaten during one week period - has until 5 Eastern to do so. Currently at 567.5. Judge Harkenberry removed two sandwiches from current count due to "failure to comply with mustard regulations." Needs to pass 701 in order to set record.
Hu: Being held at team facility due to concerns over "knee explosions" due to weight issues. Has been fed intravenously over course of week and has lost over 1 pound.
Zyn: Found deceased shortly after game concluded in upper deck section 301 lavatory. Note left at scene stated "See you guys in two weeks. Mud People Stink!"
T.O.D. - Left team on own accord due to "personal issues" with quarterback Kurt Sherman. "We just weren't seeing eye to eye on the future of eggplant on this planet."
- Beat Writer Travonjalicious Fwemp
January 5, 2012
Colts Make Poopies, Bison Win
January 4, 2012
Gary, Indiana - The Indianapolis Colts, coming off perhaps the best season in franchise history, called in "Gary" Wednesday evening. Bison players were shocked and appalled that the Colts refused to take the challenge seriously.
Kicker Lousso commented "You'd think after the great season they just finished, they'd want to lay it all on the line against a quality opponent like the Boise Bison."
Quarterback/Chinese Kurt Sherman quipped "Where's the toilet in this place? I need to drop the kids off at the pool and then sing the Canadian anthem."
Steven Christensen farted.
Halfback Skip Ruso failed to show for the event, citing "irreconcilable tuna fish sandwiches" with wideout Dead Karol.
Steven Christensen made in a Citgo near his home, the authorities were called, and is no longer with us.
P. Zyn, recently deceased and traded team cancer, made the trip despite no longer being on the squadron. He quickly complained about lack of commitment from his teammates and ran into the abyss.
A representative for the Colts, Dan Orlovsky, refused calls but did tweet the following: "The Bisons are losers and we refuse to play them. Its disrespectful to us, to our families, and to the people of Montana."
As a result of this forfeit win, the Bison temporarily moved to 5-2. However, the investigation into the Henderson Middle embarrassment has been released, and Henderson nose guard Harvey Fempitch was found to be an illegal participant (Walrus), which results in an automatic disqualification for the Flying Zebras. Statue 143.2a of the United Football Horace Assocation (UFHA) clearly states that illegal Walry is prohibited and will result in automatic disqualification.
When contacted, Fempitch simply stated "Gehhhh."
The Bison are now a surprising 6-1 heading into the showdown with the Mud People of Edgartown, Mercury two weeks from now.
- Staff Bison Man Rory Smunk
Gary, Indiana - The Indianapolis Colts, coming off perhaps the best season in franchise history, called in "Gary" Wednesday evening. Bison players were shocked and appalled that the Colts refused to take the challenge seriously.
Kicker Lousso commented "You'd think after the great season they just finished, they'd want to lay it all on the line against a quality opponent like the Boise Bison."
Quarterback/Chinese Kurt Sherman quipped "Where's the toilet in this place? I need to drop the kids off at the pool and then sing the Canadian anthem."
Steven Christensen farted.
Halfback Skip Ruso failed to show for the event, citing "irreconcilable tuna fish sandwiches" with wideout Dead Karol.
Steven Christensen made in a Citgo near his home, the authorities were called, and is no longer with us.
P. Zyn, recently deceased and traded team cancer, made the trip despite no longer being on the squadron. He quickly complained about lack of commitment from his teammates and ran into the abyss.
A representative for the Colts, Dan Orlovsky, refused calls but did tweet the following: "The Bisons are losers and we refuse to play them. Its disrespectful to us, to our families, and to the people of Montana."
As a result of this forfeit win, the Bison temporarily moved to 5-2. However, the investigation into the Henderson Middle embarrassment has been released, and Henderson nose guard Harvey Fempitch was found to be an illegal participant (Walrus), which results in an automatic disqualification for the Flying Zebras. Statue 143.2a of the United Football Horace Assocation (UFHA) clearly states that illegal Walry is prohibited and will result in automatic disqualification.
When contacted, Fempitch simply stated "Gehhhh."
The Bison are now a surprising 6-1 heading into the showdown with the Mud People of Edgartown, Mercury two weeks from now.
- Staff Bison Man Rory Smunk
January 4, 2012
Bison Pick New Mascot
The Hey Jerk Bison football team mascot contest has ended as the organization selected "Billy Bison".
Congratulations to 83-year old Herm Shmelder, who came up with the design for Billy, then drowned in a pool of barbecue sauce "as he would've wished," (Nunce Valley Times obituary-January 2, 2012).
Billy will debut Wednesday when the Bison host Indianapolis.
January 1, 2012
"Bison Embarrass Themselves"
That was the headline from the now-defunct Tribune Daily and their feature story on the Hey Jerk Bison's 28-0 loss to Ruttlestown B at F.N. Glenn Stadium & Used Vegetable Shack.
The Bison were coming off a December 21 shutout of Provo High School, but literally came out flat in week seven.
"A few of our players were flattened by the #8 bus before practice Monday," said Bison interim coach Raheem Morris. "I mean, they were taunting the bus, telling it to 'come on, run me over bus. I bet you can't even run me over,' according to some witnesses. And I heard there was a lot of soy sauce involved. Either way, it's tough to play a football game with six players. Really five, because the one-year old, Mitch, I think her name is, can barely stand."
Ruttlestown B, with future Hall of Ernie quarterback Bert Larson, marched down the field on the game's opening drive, and went up 6-0 when Larson found an overripe tomato in the back of the end zone for a 12-yard touchdown.
With several players flat and unable to participate, such as running back Skip Ruso, quarterback Kurt Sherman and tight end Trevon'Tashius McKlinton, the Bison went to seldom-used Bernie Buckles to lead the offense. Unfortunately, Buckles had died in the mid-1980s and the Bison had to punt. Ruttlestown took advantage, using its famous "eggplant play" as wide receiver Quinathony McRae took an end-around and ran 99 yards for a touchdown with the ball in his dungarees to make it 14-0.
Halftime speech from Bison interim coach Bill Cartwright (while brushing his teeth):
"This is where they separate the Ronalds from the Jeromes!"
And that's exactly what the Bison did. Ronald Herndon was placed in a giant suitcase and mailed to Bangor, Maine, while Jerome Wu was named starting quarterback for the second half.
On the opening kickoff, Wu overdosed on kick off tee and passed away.
Funeral services were scheduled for February 7 to coincide with Peanut Day and Wu's religious belief in talking peanut shells.
Late in the third quarter, Ruttlestown took a commanding, 28-0 lead when Larson hooked up with recently-signed wide receiver Pat Zyn (4 years, $7 million toe nails) for an 83-year touchdown. Zyn, who was only wearing the left leg of his pants, was attacked by several Bison players, including Johnathan "Lundquist" Hu, and transported to Capolo Medical Institute where he was pronounced "Stan".
Hey Jerk's final offensive drive ended in mashed potatoes as Hu fell down in mashed potatoes, though it did end up being an early start to the team's annual Mashed Potato Pool Family Fun Night.
Final: Ruttlestown 28, Bison 0
The Bison were coming off a December 21 shutout of Provo High School, but literally came out flat in week seven.
"A few of our players were flattened by the #8 bus before practice Monday," said Bison interim coach Raheem Morris. "I mean, they were taunting the bus, telling it to 'come on, run me over bus. I bet you can't even run me over,' according to some witnesses. And I heard there was a lot of soy sauce involved. Either way, it's tough to play a football game with six players. Really five, because the one-year old, Mitch, I think her name is, can barely stand."
Ruttlestown B, with future Hall of Ernie quarterback Bert Larson, marched down the field on the game's opening drive, and went up 6-0 when Larson found an overripe tomato in the back of the end zone for a 12-yard touchdown.
With several players flat and unable to participate, such as running back Skip Ruso, quarterback Kurt Sherman and tight end Trevon'Tashius McKlinton, the Bison went to seldom-used Bernie Buckles to lead the offense. Unfortunately, Buckles had died in the mid-1980s and the Bison had to punt. Ruttlestown took advantage, using its famous "eggplant play" as wide receiver Quinathony McRae took an end-around and ran 99 yards for a touchdown with the ball in his dungarees to make it 14-0.
Halftime speech from Bison interim coach Bill Cartwright (while brushing his teeth):
"This is where they separate the Ronalds from the Jeromes!"
And that's exactly what the Bison did. Ronald Herndon was placed in a giant suitcase and mailed to Bangor, Maine, while Jerome Wu was named starting quarterback for the second half.
On the opening kickoff, Wu overdosed on kick off tee and passed away.
Funeral services were scheduled for February 7 to coincide with Peanut Day and Wu's religious belief in talking peanut shells.
Late in the third quarter, Ruttlestown took a commanding, 28-0 lead when Larson hooked up with recently-signed wide receiver Pat Zyn (4 years, $7 million toe nails) for an 83-year touchdown. Zyn, who was only wearing the left leg of his pants, was attacked by several Bison players, including Johnathan "Lundquist" Hu, and transported to Capolo Medical Institute where he was pronounced "Stan".
Hey Jerk's final offensive drive ended in mashed potatoes as Hu fell down in mashed potatoes, though it did end up being an early start to the team's annual Mashed Potato Pool Family Fun Night.
Final: Ruttlestown 28, Bison 0
December 23, 2011
Game 6 Recap: Bison at Provo High School (UT)
Date: December 21, 2011
Locale: Hong Kong, China
Stadium: Feng Zhoo-Wong Memorial Field
Conditions: N/A
Attendance: 98,233
Recap
Quarter 1: The Bison, coming off a disputed loss which is now under investigation for Illegal Walry by Henderson Middle, come out on fire. Sherman hits on his first 13 passes, 2 for touchdowns to reinvigorated slot back Ruso. Defensive Lineman Fritz Walvonk of Provo High passes away after attempting to arm tackle Hu on a fullback draw. Carted off field and lit on fire.
Quarter 2: Bison continue their dominance, and begin playing dirty by kicking their opponents when down. Sherman goes 14 of 15 in the quarter, with another 3 td passes to Skip Ruso, who begins to sing the Canadian national anthem and is carted off the field on Brad Kovacik's shoulders for halftime. Bison go to break up 42-0.
Halftime Recap
Christensen, disgruntled by lack of playing time, removes his underwear and eats it, all while running through the stands screaming about an Indian revolution and plans to take over the universe. He is removed by security and placed in a Chinese prison.
Quarter 3: Bison pull the starters, go with Ed Xomcheese at QB. Xomcheese finishes the quarter 1-9 for 14 yds and a rushing TD. Backup RB Ted Pinecone rumbles in for an additional TD as well. Bison up 56-0.
Quarter 4: In what has become tradition, Hu immediately eats linebacker Herman Bunkley on the first play of the quarter. He continues with his "Hu-Woo Potty Poo" dance at midfield, relieving himself in the process. Kurt Sherman disappears from the sidelines. Bison finish up with 56-0 win.
Notable Stats
Sherman - 27/28, 491 Yds (Bison Team Record), 6 TD, 1 Disappearance
Ruso: 17 Carries, 233 Yds, 6 Receptions, 156 Yds, 6 TD
Next Game: Bison at Ruttlestown B Team
Locale: Hong Kong, China
Stadium: Feng Zhoo-Wong Memorial Field
Conditions: N/A
Attendance: 98,233
Recap
Quarter 1: The Bison, coming off a disputed loss which is now under investigation for Illegal Walry by Henderson Middle, come out on fire. Sherman hits on his first 13 passes, 2 for touchdowns to reinvigorated slot back Ruso. Defensive Lineman Fritz Walvonk of Provo High passes away after attempting to arm tackle Hu on a fullback draw. Carted off field and lit on fire.
Quarter 2: Bison continue their dominance, and begin playing dirty by kicking their opponents when down. Sherman goes 14 of 15 in the quarter, with another 3 td passes to Skip Ruso, who begins to sing the Canadian national anthem and is carted off the field on Brad Kovacik's shoulders for halftime. Bison go to break up 42-0.
Halftime Recap
Christensen, disgruntled by lack of playing time, removes his underwear and eats it, all while running through the stands screaming about an Indian revolution and plans to take over the universe. He is removed by security and placed in a Chinese prison.
Quarter 3: Bison pull the starters, go with Ed Xomcheese at QB. Xomcheese finishes the quarter 1-9 for 14 yds and a rushing TD. Backup RB Ted Pinecone rumbles in for an additional TD as well. Bison up 56-0.
Quarter 4: In what has become tradition, Hu immediately eats linebacker Herman Bunkley on the first play of the quarter. He continues with his "Hu-Woo Potty Poo" dance at midfield, relieving himself in the process. Kurt Sherman disappears from the sidelines. Bison finish up with 56-0 win.
Notable Stats
Sherman - 27/28, 491 Yds (Bison Team Record), 6 TD, 1 Disappearance
Ruso: 17 Carries, 233 Yds, 6 Receptions, 156 Yds, 6 TD
Next Game: Bison at Ruttlestown B Team
December 19, 2011
Bison Hire New Waterboy
The Bison have lured ex-Broncos defensive coordinator Dennis Allen away to take over the role of Team Waterboy, formerly held by now deceased Wally Pipp.
Allen
Allen, who lasted 14 games for the Broncos in his inaugural season, was considered a hot commodity after his defense recently held the Kluppitch Middle Henry's to just under 700 yds of offense. He decided to take his "talents" to the Jerk for a contract of 3 years/ $14 million.
"I took my talents to the Jerk." - Dennis Allen
Please join us in welcoming Mr. Allen to our family and into our hearts.
- Beau Fimmons
Allen
Allen, who lasted 14 games for the Broncos in his inaugural season, was considered a hot commodity after his defense recently held the Kluppitch Middle Henry's to just under 700 yds of offense. He decided to take his "talents" to the Jerk for a contract of 3 years/ $14 million.
"I took my talents to the Jerk." - Dennis Allen
Please join us in welcoming Mr. Allen to our family and into our hearts.
- Beau Fimmons
December 14, 2011
Bison Suffer First Loss
"Those guys stink."
- Anonymous
That quote, taken from a December 14 Nunce Valley Times newspaper article, wasn't directed at the Hey Jerk Bison football team. But the Bison coaching staff decided to use it as motivation any way leading into the squadron's Wednesday morning battle against Henderson Middle School.
"It didn't work."
- Anonymous
No, it did not work.
The Bison, who were coming off a pair of close victories, led 7-0 early, thanks to a John Hu four-yard touchdown run. That came after Hu ran the Bison's "watermelon play", pulling on Henderson defensive lineman Harvey Koo's arm pit hair and then swallowing hole a watermelon on a key, third-and-five at the 17-yard line.
Henderson, which came into the game 0-4 following a 17-3 loss to the Indianapolis Colts that led to bean dip riots in the streets of Hendersonville, responded immediately. The Chabooros used the absence of Steven Christensen (eyebrow-removal surgery) on the defensive line to let their workhorse tailback Fat Neck Glenn Jr. collect 170 of his 255 yards on three long touchdown runs to send Henderson into halftime up 21-7.
Halftime speech by Bison interim head coach Dead Karol:
In the second half, the Bison tried their "stand around and do nothing and hope the other team doesn't do anything either play", made famous by the Pat Zyn All Stars barnstorming team of the late-1960s, but instead Henderson did something, forcing the first of seven fumbles by new fullback Skip Ruso.
After his seventh fumble, Ruso was traded to the Cleveland Browns for a pile of leaves and a half of a ham sandwich under the north end zone to be named later.
Midway through the fourth quarter, with the Bison trailing 56-7 and the home fans at the newly-renamed Toast Crumb Stadium literally booing until their ears fell off ("Six reports of falling ears", Kroog Statesman), Bison linebacker Tommy Buckner sacked Henderson's 8th-string quarterback Wu Kawa-N'ienk in the end zone for a safety to cut the deficit to 56-9.
The Bison players rewarded coach Dead Karol with a spicy mustard bath.
Final: Henderson Middle 66, Bison 7
- Anonymous
That quote, taken from a December 14 Nunce Valley Times newspaper article, wasn't directed at the Hey Jerk Bison football team. But the Bison coaching staff decided to use it as motivation any way leading into the squadron's Wednesday morning battle against Henderson Middle School.
"It didn't work."
- Anonymous
No, it did not work.
The Bison, who were coming off a pair of close victories, led 7-0 early, thanks to a John Hu four-yard touchdown run. That came after Hu ran the Bison's "watermelon play", pulling on Henderson defensive lineman Harvey Koo's arm pit hair and then swallowing hole a watermelon on a key, third-and-five at the 17-yard line.
Henderson, which came into the game 0-4 following a 17-3 loss to the Indianapolis Colts that led to bean dip riots in the streets of Hendersonville, responded immediately. The Chabooros used the absence of Steven Christensen (eyebrow-removal surgery) on the defensive line to let their workhorse tailback Fat Neck Glenn Jr. collect 170 of his 255 yards on three long touchdown runs to send Henderson into halftime up 21-7.
Halftime speech by Bison interim head coach Dead Karol:
In the second half, the Bison tried their "stand around and do nothing and hope the other team doesn't do anything either play", made famous by the Pat Zyn All Stars barnstorming team of the late-1960s, but instead Henderson did something, forcing the first of seven fumbles by new fullback Skip Ruso.
After his seventh fumble, Ruso was traded to the Cleveland Browns for a pile of leaves and a half of a ham sandwich under the north end zone to be named later.
Midway through the fourth quarter, with the Bison trailing 56-7 and the home fans at the newly-renamed Toast Crumb Stadium literally booing until their ears fell off ("Six reports of falling ears", Kroog Statesman), Bison linebacker Tommy Buckner sacked Henderson's 8th-string quarterback Wu Kawa-N'ienk in the end zone for a safety to cut the deficit to 56-9.
The Bison players rewarded coach Dead Karol with a spicy mustard bath.
Final: Henderson Middle 66, Bison 7
December 9, 2011
Game 4 Recap: Bison at 11 Guys Named Jerry
Date: December 7, 2011
Locale: N/A
Stadium: N/A
Conditions: Sun
Attendance: 0
Recap
Quarter 1: 11 Fat Guys Named Jerry fail to show due to local buffalo eating competition taking place. Bison take the field.
Quarter 2: Sherman runs the kick-back beluga trio and scores on an end around. 7-0 Bison.
Halftime Recap
Zyn arrives, proclaims world peace and shoots clear liquid into left arm. Locks himself in locker.
Quarter 3: Fat Guys Named Jerry score despite not being present, Bison in tight one, 7-7.
Quarter 4: Hu eats bologna sandwich, blows so much wind that he floats to moon. Scores TD on way, Bison win 14-7.
Notable Stats
11 Fat Guys Named Jerry: Entire Team (DNP)
Bison: Sherman 1-15, 47 Yds Rushing, TD
Next Game: Henderson Middle at Bison
Locale: N/A
Stadium: N/A
Conditions: Sun
Attendance: 0
Recap
Quarter 1: 11 Fat Guys Named Jerry fail to show due to local buffalo eating competition taking place. Bison take the field.
Quarter 2: Sherman runs the kick-back beluga trio and scores on an end around. 7-0 Bison.
Halftime Recap
Zyn arrives, proclaims world peace and shoots clear liquid into left arm. Locks himself in locker.
Quarter 3: Fat Guys Named Jerry score despite not being present, Bison in tight one, 7-7.
Quarter 4: Hu eats bologna sandwich, blows so much wind that he floats to moon. Scores TD on way, Bison win 14-7.
Notable Stats
11 Fat Guys Named Jerry: Entire Team (DNP)
Bison: Sherman 1-15, 47 Yds Rushing, TD
Next Game: Henderson Middle at Bison
December 1, 2011
November 30, 2011
Game 3 Recap: Poddy Valley at Bison
Date: November 30, 2011
Locale: Quebec, Ontario
Stadium: N/A - Played in local dump
Conditions: Raining Gary's
Attendance: 4
Recap
Quarter 1: Kurt Sherman, embattled QB and old-man enthusiast, returns fully clothed in anticipation of this matchup of unbeatens. After the Bison elect to receive, Sherman receives the ball 7 yds deep and begins sprinting down the far sideline. 12 seconds later, Sherman was at the Poddy Valley 3 yd line, where Poddy Valley Garbanzo Bean Victor Mooshay horse collars Sherman and drags him out of bounds, kicking him along the way. Sherman gets up, bloodied and having messed his underwear, and sprints back out to the huddle. 14 plays later, Hu eats defensive lineman Hugo Feathers of the Garbanzo Beans and stumbles into the endzone. 7-0 Bison as drive takes entire quarter. Sherman taken to locker room by trainers to address underwear situation.
Quarter 2: Beans go 7 and out on first drive, and Bison take over at the Beans 14 after a blocked punt by Patrick Zyn, who showed up before the game even though he is no longer a member of the team. On the following play, Sherman throws into the endzone to Zyn, who does the Zyn-o-rama shuffle in celebration. 9 seconds later officials notify Zyn that he is in the incorrect endzone and the score is tied up, 7-7. Zyn sprints around the field 4 times and then collapses. Medical reports not available at this time.
Halftime Recap
Steven Christensen lights himself on fire and runs through the halls of Bison Arena screaming about civil rights for abused rhinoceros.
Quarter 3: Poddy Valley receives and flanker/H-back K'Quell Pooha takes the kickoff back 97 yds for a score. A missed extra point leaves the deficit at 6 for the Bison, 13-7. Poddy Valley attempts the onside kick, which fails when Skip Ruso falls on it at the 50. On the very next play, Sherman runs the pitch to Ruso who rumbles 50 yds down the sideline and into the endzone. Ruso doesn't stop running and has not yet been located. 14-13, Bison.
Quarter 4: After stopping Poddy Valley on downs, the Bison receive the ball via fair catch at their own 2 yd line. Coach Hu calls for the 47-Potty Draw on 3, and Sherman hands the ball to Hu. Lineman Kovacik eats 4 lineman on the other team (deaths ensued) and Hu rumbles 97 yds for a score and a steak. Sherman begins his "Shermy-two-three" jig and is penalized 15 yds on the kickoff. 21-13, Bison. Bison attempt onside kick and succeed. After taking three knees, the game is over and another victory is in the books for the Bison. Sherman straps on his jetpack and takes off, stating he had a meeting to attend on Mars.
Notable Stats
Sherman: 17-93, 199 yds, TD, 27 INT
Ruso: 17 Carries, 144 yds, 14 lost fumbles, TD
Next Game: v. 11 Chubby Guys Named Jerry
Locale: Quebec, Ontario
Stadium: N/A - Played in local dump
Conditions: Raining Gary's
Attendance: 4
Recap
Quarter 1: Kurt Sherman, embattled QB and old-man enthusiast, returns fully clothed in anticipation of this matchup of unbeatens. After the Bison elect to receive, Sherman receives the ball 7 yds deep and begins sprinting down the far sideline. 12 seconds later, Sherman was at the Poddy Valley 3 yd line, where Poddy Valley Garbanzo Bean Victor Mooshay horse collars Sherman and drags him out of bounds, kicking him along the way. Sherman gets up, bloodied and having messed his underwear, and sprints back out to the huddle. 14 plays later, Hu eats defensive lineman Hugo Feathers of the Garbanzo Beans and stumbles into the endzone. 7-0 Bison as drive takes entire quarter. Sherman taken to locker room by trainers to address underwear situation.
Quarter 2: Beans go 7 and out on first drive, and Bison take over at the Beans 14 after a blocked punt by Patrick Zyn, who showed up before the game even though he is no longer a member of the team. On the following play, Sherman throws into the endzone to Zyn, who does the Zyn-o-rama shuffle in celebration. 9 seconds later officials notify Zyn that he is in the incorrect endzone and the score is tied up, 7-7. Zyn sprints around the field 4 times and then collapses. Medical reports not available at this time.
Halftime Recap
Steven Christensen lights himself on fire and runs through the halls of Bison Arena screaming about civil rights for abused rhinoceros.
Quarter 3: Poddy Valley receives and flanker/H-back K'Quell Pooha takes the kickoff back 97 yds for a score. A missed extra point leaves the deficit at 6 for the Bison, 13-7. Poddy Valley attempts the onside kick, which fails when Skip Ruso falls on it at the 50. On the very next play, Sherman runs the pitch to Ruso who rumbles 50 yds down the sideline and into the endzone. Ruso doesn't stop running and has not yet been located. 14-13, Bison.
Quarter 4: After stopping Poddy Valley on downs, the Bison receive the ball via fair catch at their own 2 yd line. Coach Hu calls for the 47-Potty Draw on 3, and Sherman hands the ball to Hu. Lineman Kovacik eats 4 lineman on the other team (deaths ensued) and Hu rumbles 97 yds for a score and a steak. Sherman begins his "Shermy-two-three" jig and is penalized 15 yds on the kickoff. 21-13, Bison. Bison attempt onside kick and succeed. After taking three knees, the game is over and another victory is in the books for the Bison. Sherman straps on his jetpack and takes off, stating he had a meeting to attend on Mars.
Notable Stats
Sherman: 17-93, 199 yds, TD, 27 INT
Ruso: 17 Carries, 144 yds, 14 lost fumbles, TD
Next Game: v. 11 Chubby Guys Named Jerry
November 28, 2011
Bison Postgame Notes: Week 2
After an impressive 26-7 victory over Winder-Barrow HS, the Bison took to the locker room in glee. Bison staffers had already covered the walls with plastic and had the champagne bottles ready, and the Bison players did not disappoint. Sherman, after his refusal to play, stood in the middle of the room holding a bottle of Dom (Sherman was nude), and began his weekly postgame speech.
"We won one for Zyn. Plain and simple. Lets celebrate like drunken octopi!"
Immediately after, Sherman vanished into thin air and has not been located since. With that, however, things began to get ugly. Coach/RB Hu attempted to eat lineman Steven Christensen, but was stopped when Skip Russo got in the middle with a meatloaf and subsided Hu's hunger. Recently traded Pat Zyn began smoking some type of dark rock, and instantly proclaimed that he was changing his name to Vance Bentley, effective immediately. Zyn then fell into Jon Scottsten's locker, removed his underwear, and sang the national anthem. Several team members, led by Dead Karol, then relieved themselves on Bentley. Staffers remained after hours to clean up the "situation."
Security was finally brought in around 3:30 AM GST to remove the remaining team members, but not before lineman Brad Kavack was able to blow wind and declare the locker room a "war zone" that needed to be defended by the United States government and armed forces.
- Staff Bison man Warren W. Lump
"We won one for Zyn. Plain and simple. Lets celebrate like drunken octopi!"
Immediately after, Sherman vanished into thin air and has not been located since. With that, however, things began to get ugly. Coach/RB Hu attempted to eat lineman Steven Christensen, but was stopped when Skip Russo got in the middle with a meatloaf and subsided Hu's hunger. Recently traded Pat Zyn began smoking some type of dark rock, and instantly proclaimed that he was changing his name to Vance Bentley, effective immediately. Zyn then fell into Jon Scottsten's locker, removed his underwear, and sang the national anthem. Several team members, led by Dead Karol, then relieved themselves on Bentley. Staffers remained after hours to clean up the "situation."
Security was finally brought in around 3:30 AM GST to remove the remaining team members, but not before lineman Brad Kavack was able to blow wind and declare the locker room a "war zone" that needed to be defended by the United States government and armed forces.
- Staff Bison man Warren W. Lump
November 24, 2011
Bison Move to 2-0
Coming off an emotional, flatulent victory over the Cleveland Browns practice squad, the Hey Jerk Bison felt good about their chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School.
"We feel good about our chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School," Bison coach/running back John Hu said after a practice session/walnut-eating contest.
Despite the disappearance of wide receiver Pat Zyn and quarterback/rhino salesman Kurt Sherman's refusal to play, the Bison took the field with nine players and scored on a 92-yard touchdown pass from new quarterback Michaela Russo to recently-signed tight end Mark Bavaro. Winder-Barrow, playing in pastrami helmets to promote world peace, answered with an 18-play drive and tie the game at 7-7 on a four-yard touchdown run by Herman Binkey.
Neither team scored until Hu took a pitch on a sweep and executed his world-famous "hippo run" and scored from 25 yards out, much to the delight of a guy named Steve. The Bison led 14-7 at halftime, leading to this speech from tailback Skipmond Ruso, who no one asked to speak:
"They said the Russians couldn't win in '73! They said the Bay City Bluejays couldn't come back and win the bronze medal in the 40s! Someone told Vance Wesler he'd never yodel again! Remember Miles Quinn?! Now go out there and win one for what's-his-name or this Christmas everyone gets a lump of cold medicine in their stocking!"
After Ruso was taken in the back for questioning, the Bison came out strong in the third quarter, going up 17-7 when Louise Russo kicked a 74-yard field goal with Hu gas in her face.
"Holy asparagus," said Bison fan Merv Kellog, 106.
Winder-Barrow had a nine-and-out on the ensuing possession, then after a Bison punt of seven yards by Dead Karol, Winder running back Zhang Shui-Wei ran in the wrong direction and out of the back of his own end zone, giving the Bison a safety and a 19-7 lead. Shui-Wei then vanished.
In the fourth, Bison receivers Stinky Harnish and Steven Christensen teamed up on a wheelbarrow run for 53 yards, which put Hey Jerk up 26-7 and sent most of the traveling Winder fans towards the exits.
"I sold my mud store for this?," said Winder fan James Pershack, who sold his mud store for this.
As the final seconds ticked down, Zyn surprised everyone on the Bison sideline by arriving in his underwear, running out to midfield and miming shooting two free throws. Zyn then hopped on his koala and disappeared into the night.
Bison stay unbeaten at 2-0 with a 26-7 victory on Phonebook Night at Hey Jerk Stadium.
"We feel good about our chances week two against Winder-Barrow High School," Bison coach/running back John Hu said after a practice session/walnut-eating contest.
Despite the disappearance of wide receiver Pat Zyn and quarterback/rhino salesman Kurt Sherman's refusal to play, the Bison took the field with nine players and scored on a 92-yard touchdown pass from new quarterback Michaela Russo to recently-signed tight end Mark Bavaro. Winder-Barrow, playing in pastrami helmets to promote world peace, answered with an 18-play drive and tie the game at 7-7 on a four-yard touchdown run by Herman Binkey.
Neither team scored until Hu took a pitch on a sweep and executed his world-famous "hippo run" and scored from 25 yards out, much to the delight of a guy named Steve. The Bison led 14-7 at halftime, leading to this speech from tailback Skipmond Ruso, who no one asked to speak:
"They said the Russians couldn't win in '73! They said the Bay City Bluejays couldn't come back and win the bronze medal in the 40s! Someone told Vance Wesler he'd never yodel again! Remember Miles Quinn?! Now go out there and win one for what's-his-name or this Christmas everyone gets a lump of cold medicine in their stocking!"
After Ruso was taken in the back for questioning, the Bison came out strong in the third quarter, going up 17-7 when Louise Russo kicked a 74-yard field goal with Hu gas in her face.
"Holy asparagus," said Bison fan Merv Kellog, 106.
Winder-Barrow had a nine-and-out on the ensuing possession, then after a Bison punt of seven yards by Dead Karol, Winder running back Zhang Shui-Wei ran in the wrong direction and out of the back of his own end zone, giving the Bison a safety and a 19-7 lead. Shui-Wei then vanished.
In the fourth, Bison receivers Stinky Harnish and Steven Christensen teamed up on a wheelbarrow run for 53 yards, which put Hey Jerk up 26-7 and sent most of the traveling Winder fans towards the exits.
"I sold my mud store for this?," said Winder fan James Pershack, who sold his mud store for this.
As the final seconds ticked down, Zyn surprised everyone on the Bison sideline by arriving in his underwear, running out to midfield and miming shooting two free throws. Zyn then hopped on his koala and disappeared into the night.
Bison stay unbeaten at 2-0 with a 26-7 victory on Phonebook Night at Hey Jerk Stadium.
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