Water Fountain Stolen

MEMO

The water fountain on the fourth floor is missing. The fountain left behind a wife, stapler, and two children, rug and electrical socket, who are very worried. Anyone with knowledge on the fountain's whereabouts, please alert human resources penguin, Dolph at extension APPLE.

- Jerk leader FN Glenn

Lembeck Missing

Hey Jerk editor Buddy Lembeck has been reported missing, according to his mother-in-law Otis. Lembeck, who was named to the blog's editorial staff after his autobiography When's It My Turn to Hop Scotch? made the seller's list, was last seen underneath the break room sink "hiding from the voices", and was later spotted boarding a spaceship to the ceiling.

He is armed with sesame seed bagels and is considered pantsless.


- Correspondent Janet Bryson

Possible Names for Mrs. Doubtfire Sequel

- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Robin Williams is Dead
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Pierce Brosnan's Revenge
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Return of the Run-By Fruiter
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Euvagenia Blows Wind
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Rocky Balboa
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Mrs. Expectfire
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Sally Field Blows Wind
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Rainbow Invades Manhattan
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Pierce Brosnan Made (Again)
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: The Second Mrs. Doubtfire Movie
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Cloning Robin Williams
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: Matthew Lawrence Grows Pubic Hair
- Mrs. Doubtfire 2: King Kong Invades San Francisco

- Jetpack Jones

Bryson Brought On To Fix Things

Bill Bryson has been hired as Staff Changer. The 39-year old is now responsible for changing things, making changes and coordinating changes amongst staff members, according to editor Capolo, who changed his hair color.

"Red," said Capolo.

Bryson: "I hate all of you and I may make doo on Thursdays. Plus, I've got several potatoes that are willing to make sacrifices."

Weekend at Bernies in Hippos

On the Promiscuity of Olives

"Listen, boys," said Olivia Olive, "I don't care which one of you does it but I know what I want and I want it now."

Pinto, Pete and Peeril Pimento were shocked at their good fortune.

Incidentally, we now know where "Dirty Martinis" got their name.

Cast Announced for New Film

The cast for director Miles Milesher's latest picture Level 5 Doo: The Gary Rehnquist Story has been announced.

Gary Rehnquist ... Gary Sinise
Toilet ... Sam Colsen
Plunger salesman ... Harvey Xomcheese
Lieutenant Deluca ... Dom Deluca
Michael "Flush" Macafee ... Greg Eastley
Talking banana ... Mallory Boddington
Poo Rock #3 ... Rollie Queh
Ottawa toilet ... Jennifer Wie
Mashed potato fight referee: Elgin Potter
Gino Genovese ... Anthony Lisapio
Toilet paper protesters ... Mitch Leesle, Aaron Twan & Elizabeth Merkel

Lembeck Hired

Hey Jerk has announced the hiring of Budrick Shenney Lembeck as a new staff editor. Lembeck was staff editor at mustardwaterpranks.com from 1999-2004 and was a writer at the influential blog placespossumsgo.com before being fired for lasagna theft September 19.

The new staff editor released a statement through his lawyer, Marvin Russo:

"Hi."

Lembeck brings with him a rubber penguin, Tony, who handles all dental appointments and a jar of expired milk. Reports indicate he's already made several enemies at the blog, including fellow editor Capolo and Dorothy, the old lady that lives in Capolo's ear.

Buffalo Chicken Finger Wars

The Beeronians were willing to go to any lengths to defeat the Buffalo Chicken Fingertians - even self-sacrifice.

Archibald the Armadillo

A day at the office for Archibald the Armadillo, an Accountant at Arslinger Ant Annihilators. He's good with numbers.

The Great Debate

What's worse? Eye boogers or nose boogers? Scientists and laymen have debated for centuries - the discussion continues on The Jerk.

Consider:

- Eye boogers eff with your sight. Unacceptable.

- Nose boogers sometimes make it hard to breathe. But only sometimes.

- Eye boogers come in only two consistencies: crusty or squishy. Nose boogers - the sky's the limit.

- Nose boogers = embarrassment. Eye boogers = floaty things in your vision. Which is more problematic?

- Dogs get eye boogers but rarely nose boogers.

- You can't suction out eye boogers.

Please discuss.

Staff Correspondent Dead

Cheecho Q, whose been a staff correspondent since the early-1940s, "the marmalade years", is dead of ear lobe theft. An unknown assassin stole Cheecho's ears late Thursday night, leaving the 53-year old earless and frightened. Cheecho died several seconds later.

Funeral services were set for Saturday at 2:00 p.m., but were quickly cancelled due to lack of chili.

One Pock Perishes, Another Is Hired

Grant "Silly-Shoes" Pock has been hired on as Staff Diarrhea Inspector, according to editor Oscar Rainbow. Rainbow released the following statement after the hire:

"While we were pleasantly surprised to see Olin Pock die, we felt the need for a Pock presence here at The Jerk. That, combined with the growing need for a diarrhea man, lead us to hire Silly-Shoes."

Pock


"I'm honored to have this gig, and I promise my fans that I'll hit .230 for the rest of the year," Pock said.

That was all Pock had to say upon hearing of his hire. Please join us in welcoming Silly-Shoes to the staff.

- Cheecho Q.

EDITORS NOTE: Post 500 in less than a year. Well done.

Fimply: Dead

Donovan Fimply
2008-2010

Cause of death: cauliflower accident

Quintera: Deceased

Doof Quintera, longtime Jerk staff member and staunch Kovacik supporter, was found liquified in his box under the 14th street bridge this AM. Oboe Jones, Quintera's neighbor, told the story.

"Quintera blew wind this AM at his usual 7:40 time, but this time, something different happened. He exploded and all of a sudden was nothing more than a pile of Quintera juice. And it stunk."

Quintera (Dead)



Please join us in mourning the loss of Doof Quintera.

A new staff dentist will be named in the coming days.

- Coombabamo Phui

Hu Hires Hu

Hey Jerk Hu scout Harry Hu has announced the hiring of Nickapopalis Hu as staff dandelion, according to several reports. While at Fonchonski during the late-1980s, Nick Hu served as staff dandelion and also was a cauliflower correspondent at the now defunct blog Arm Pit Diaries.

Saturday Cancellations

Softball: Nickprio's Pizza vs. Team 11
Apricot Fight: Moved to October 3
Napkin Fest 2010: Postponed

Staff Murderer Hired

The Jerk has made an unprecedented move this fall morning, hiring on a Staff Murderer for the first time in blog history.

Omfbo Phui


"I'm gonna kill alot of people around here" said Phui, previously unknown in these parts of the country.

While the motive for hiring Mr. Phui is not understood, one thing is for certain: Phui is here to stay, and several other Phui's are on the way.

- Renfro
- Cyrus
- Comboobamo

- Staff Correspondent Cheecho Q.

Pock Put out of His Misery

Olin Pock's life has ended, according to his cousin, Genquin, who took the 53-year old off pock-support.

"I ran in there, screaming, and pulled the plug on that ranch dressing-head," said Genquin. "After I pulled the plug, I stole the mashed potatoes and the bed pan, took off my clothes and ran into the parking lot, screaming."

Genquin expressed interest in the assistant to the Glenn position, Olin's former post, though his only experience is in fingernail sales.


- Staff correspondent Jineffria Hangy

Pock Update

Olin Pock: still on Pock-support

Jones Brought on as Consultant

Hey Jerk editor Capolo has announced the hiring of Buttscratch Jones as a consultant. Mr. Jones will be responsible for following around editor Capolo and reporting any stolen potted plants or pen caps, as well as sit on the jury in the upcoming Val Nendley murder/potato chip trial.

Pock Near-Death

Breaking news from headquarters as Glenn assistant Olin Pock is nearing death at the tender age of 116. According to Pock's lawyer Len Lauer, the former Lettuce Olympian swallowed an abundance of squirrel tails and was put on Pock-support Monday afternoon.

More updates/death singalongs to follow.


- Staff Pock correspondent Susan Rickeo

Blompton Hires Baga

Robert Blompton, Staff Hirer, has brought on yet another new HJ employee.

Wixom Baga, formerly Ed Jones, has been hired on as Staff Felon.

Baga



Baga, who has been arrested in Idaho on several counts, including office supply theft and murder, has been cleard by Jerk security for hire.

"I'm looking forward to coming on as Staff Felon - Gus Rainbow is going down."

Blompton had no comment on the hire, but it is believed that he is recieving extra spicy mustard compensation in the deal.

- Staff Correspondent Cheecho Q.

Bopoo Family Releases Statement

In response to Coolie Itch Martin eating former staff cabbage man Nedkey Bopoo, the Bopoo family released a statement through their lawyer, Nart Murphy.

"We are saddened by the loss of Nedkey, who never hurt a potato. Why did Martin have to snack on a man who was in the prime of his life and expecting twin salad forks with his common law wife, Gary? Whatever his motivation, we have taken the proper steps to ensure this travesty will not pass without retaliation, hiring Vonshai Sanchules as an investigator/Martin murderer. Mr. Sanchules will be notified at his cardboard box in the Piso Forest and the hunt will begin. Thank you."

Coolie Itch Kills Bopoo

Coolie Itch Martin's first act on staff: eating Nedkey Bopoo.

Bopoo (DEAD)



The Jerk offers no condolences to the Bopoo family.

- Cheecho Q.

Bloobdee Dead

Shickafont Bloobdee
1937-2002
2003-2010

Cause of death: Milton Weatherby overdose

Martin Hired

Staff editor Capolo kept it in the family Wednesday evening, personally approving the hire of his uncle, Coolie Itch Martin, as Staff Pimple. Martin, who was born with a rare butt-face disease that hampers his ability to speak to artichokes, will "use his pimples for good, not evil," according to Martin's lawyer, Lawyer Caulfield.

Sanchules Strikes Again

Vonshai Sanchules has reportedly struck again, training a killer hippo to dispose of his uncle Ernger Sanchules in a bloody, thousand island dressing-induced attack, according to an accordion with knowledge of the situation. Vonshai, a recovering Paperclipaholic, offed four staff members, including longtime girlfriend Julio Buckleberger and then rid himself of his clothing and escaped into the woods earlier in the day. His latest incident involved pouring the dressing on Ernger and getting the hippo, Larry, to attack using the international symbol for hippos treating half-hippos as salads and attacking until death, which since 2008 has been a deep nose pick followed by a rubbing of the left ear lobe.

Vonshai is still wanted by Jerk police for the slayings as well "lighting on fire more than 11 urinal doors", said Awliss County police chief Mark Reesso.

Any information leading to the capture of Vonshai Sanchules, please call Eric.

Another Tuesday Poem

How Do You Know You've Pooed Your Pants?

By: Scooter Doonesbury

How do you know you've pooed your pants?
First of all, there's the "potty dance."
You feel that urge - you have to push.
What to do?!? Is there a nearby bush?

The warm and gooey mixture drips
Down your legs - My God it's thick!
Next comes the odor; it's worse than you thought.
Then... your attempt to cover your butt.

How do you know you've pooed your pants?
When you try to clench but you just... just can't!
Into the trash with your underwear.
Oh gross. It's gotten into your leg hair.

Hey Jerk Tuesday Afternoon Poem

"Eminations of a Walrus"

By Bennington Augustus Jonesly

A walrus is a beautiful animal,
it passes gas in fantastic ways.
But a walrus also has odor that can kill,
and puts even the strongest banana in a daze.
So when you deal with these beasts,
make sure you bring your anti-smelly spray.
Walrus odors make for an odoriforous feast,
and make you smell like doody, they just may.

Vonshai Sanchules Cleans House

Vonshai Sanchules, a little known Sanchules from the western Uruguagian islands, incited a riot at Jerk HQ today when he was not allowed access to the staff restroom. After being told to leave the premises by security, Sanchules fell into a violent rage, killing four staff members and running off into the woods nude.

Sanchules Wanted Photo




Mass Slaying (Berman, Buckleberger, Clinkman, Femmwoos)



Please join us in 4 seconds of mourning for our lost brethren, after which all employees are invited to meet for food and drinks and Harry's local watering hole.

Sanchules is now wanted in the woods surrounding HQ. If anyone has any information on how to locate this naked lunatic, please let us know.

- Staff Correspondent Cheecho Q.

Mashed Potato Invasion at Headquarters Reported

The Hey Jerk headquarters building was rocked by a mashed potato invasion late Friday night, the third such invasion in the area in the last 75 years. Several staff members, including staff tree Teddy Pinecone and staff chimp Hongee Hangy, went missing after the attack. According to staff leader Fat Neck Glenn, the incident may have had something to do with editor Capolo's "I Have Mashed Potatoes in my Pants" speech from last weekend's Butter Fest.


- Staff invasion correspondent Grongo Zax

New Rainbow Hired

Elephant Rainbow has been hired on by Ernie Berman to be Staff Elephant/Staff Dead Person Consumer.

E. Rainbow



"I ain't like those other loser Rainbows on staff - I eat dead people. And I'm an elephant."

That was all Rainbow had to say on his hiring, but other staff members were clearly not pleased with the hire.

"What the hell do we need an elephant for?" said Staff Leader Fat Neck Glenn.

This makes four Rainbows currently on staff - a number many employees are starting to feel uncomfortable with.

"They're trying to monopolize HQ, and will surely attempt a hostile takeover" noted Staff Aschermann, Nedkey Bopoo. On a side note - Bopoo is scheduled to be killed in the next week or so.

- Staff Correspondent Cheecho Q.

Xomcheese On Board

Shocking news out of the Jerk broom closet as staff leader Fat Neck Glenn has hired Zed Xomcheese as Staff Picker. Xomcheese, the brother/celery man of editor Ed Xomcheese, will be responsible for picking noses, tookus, ears, the right tomatoes at the grocery store and naval.

Xomcheese released a statement through his hot dog retailer, Pepano Wertz:

"I'm getting rid of Ernie Berman. That's job No. 1."

Blompton Takes on New Role, Dismembers Fonway

Robert Blompton, well known around HQ for great hires, has taken on a new role today. For the first time in his illustrious career, Blompton has murdered a staff member.

"I just couldn't stand around and let that loser live anymore," said Blompton, "so I took care of it. I ripped every one of Fonway's damn limbs off and fed them to the staff elephant."

Fonway (Dead)


Fonway, most likely the biggest lowlife loser this blog has ever seen, was also killed in early 2010 when he died with fellow band members of o7 in a blimp accident.

"Thank larry that guys dead - was the biggest loser I ever met in my life" said editor Oscar Rainbow.

- Beauregard Fimmons