The Ronaldos Announce "Universe Tour"

The Ronaldos



Ber Ronaldo - vocals, rhythm guitar, corn on the cob
Wikkits Ronaldo - drums, spatula, background vocals


2011 Tour

October 21 - Mud Pit, Capolotown
October 22 - above-ground pool, Paul's Pools-aisle 7
October 26 - Pluto
November 2 - The Tinkle, Feathers Village
November 4 - over there somewhere
November 9 - Highway 19, Exit 6 off-ramp
November 14 - Mustards, Mejitoville
November 15 - The Smiling Racoon, Ulandis City
November 23 - Balbonis, Cooper Valley
November 30 - the bed of Vince Paddock's truck
December 4 - Pisos, Pisotown
December 7 - Runway 11, Feathers International Airport
December 23 - North Pole
December 31 - Poopys, Sandwichville

Zecko Hired

Claude Zecko
Staff Claude

Previous work experience: none
Military history: fought in the Many Zeckos War, wounded by sandpaper (January, 1962)
Favorite professional basketball player: Derrick "Moonshuffle" Nakeel
Family history: married an easter egg (April, 2001), divorced (June, 2001)

Favorite books:

1. "The Smells I Smell" by Boris Yumchee
2. "Famous Grass Clump Fights" Ed. Mick Standridge
3. "I'm OK, You Have an Odor Problem" by Deloris Leonard

Life goals: "eggplant-related" - Bernice McNicholson


Referral: Queh Employment Search Group, copyright 2011

First wave of peanutshellbirds land at HQ

What is believed to be the first of many groups of peanutshellbirds landed at Hey Jerk headquarters Friday morning. The birds, from the outskirts of Derwood Manor, the fishing port popularized in the 1970s novels of Helmet Proctor, are irritable and are demanding mailboxes for shelter from the sun and to recharge their battery packs.

Jerk photographer Garrit Queh, the last remaining decedent of the Queh family, captured two of the birds descending on HQ at approximately 7:15 a.m. GST.

Lumpdate - 9:01 p.m.

William Lump, younger brother of recently-hired and soon-to-be fired Warren, has been released from Quinkley Asylum. According to a desk that held the 42-year old's discharge papers (and a pencil named Gil), William, who starred at wide receiver for the 2002 Hey Jerk Bison football team that went 3-11 under head coach, burrito, is expected to ride his pet refrigerator-on-wheels, Roger into town by the end of the week.

The front door at headquarters is stationery and considered worried.


- Lumpdate Staff

RE: The Gary Population

Over the last several decades, a lot has been said in the Russo Times and other publications about the overflow of Garys and the possibility of a Gary Population Explosion (G.P.E.) by the end of the new millennium. The editors at the Jerk have obtained documents from two southern states in these United States of America to help shed some light on Gary invasions and the possible spike in Gary-related kitchen utensils by the year 2075.

Here are two such reports-an email plea from a distinguished Belfonte from the state of South Carolina and a letter from a Puppitch in the state of Georgia:



Hi,

My name is Daquaggo Belfonte and I'm emailing you with concern about the study I recently conducted on increased Gary activity in the state of South Carolina. After 12 weeks of research, we found that Garys worldwide were flocking to the state with wreckless abandon, sometimes even bringing along Lennys or Phils. At most recent count, we had over 4,000,000 Garys in Central South Carolina and rising. Obviously, an established society stands no chance of prospering in such a situation and will most likely meet its demise within months.

I'm hoping that you can provide some guidance on the Gary problem that I have uncovered with the hopes of saving many lives, and, perhaps these United States of America.


Sincerely,
Daquaggo Belfonte



Good evening,

I am Nuddles Puppitch, head of Harrys and Barrys throughout the southeastern United States. As our studies have shown, not a significant enough Gary population growth has occurred to warrant any further investigation. There was a guy named Gary who came into the deli for a roast beef sandwich on rye, but he was turned away for his stance on P.I.D. (pants in a deli). As for the Gary who stormed the courthouse steps in the summer of '88, that matter is best left to the very courts with which he soiled his dungarees upon.

I now consider the matter Boris.


Then,
N. Puppitch, May 8, 2003

Report: Klevinson Headed to the Sun

Groober City - Former staff orange Donald Klevinson has reportedly boarded a porpoise to the sun "completing a ten-year mission that began with the first worldwide bagel war," according to Klevinson's family lawyer, Loi Yer. Klevinson is planning on full-scale changes for the sun, including making it less sunny and providing more raisins.

Klevinson's family-Ollie (mailbox), Deloris (wife-in-law) and mailbox flag (Glenn Jr.) refused comment, choosing instead to plead the Pinecone Amendment.


- Correspondent Za'Quan Beverly

Poo Exclusive

MAN FINDS POO
By the Ghost of Bog Piso

Records were made to be broken, and another has fallen in Wayley County. Poo was found at the old Godfrei home Tuesday night, a third-such sighting in the past week. Randy Godfrei was walking around in his underwear and corn chips when he spotted the poo resting behind a couch cushion. He immediately thought of his dog, Irv.

"I shouted out ‘Irv! Irv!’………but nothin’," said Godfrei.

Godfrei declared the dropping "longest ever", topping a December, 1998 poo that nipped the 19-inch mark. A plaque rests in Godfrei’s lawn from the ’98 poo and it might have a dance partner soon pending conference measurements.

"Biggest turd I ever seen, people included," added Godfrei.

No More Booby

Staff Handyman Cleveland X. Booby, one of the most hated staff members in Jerk history, has been fired, according to a waffle iron with waffles of the situation.

Booby, who finished an embarrassing 11th in the 1992 ear lobe election, was responsible for the murder of "more than 20 goldfish" (Qwerce Valley Times, May, 1997) and helped defeat longtime Jerk rival the Klinehorsts in the 2009 national Brussel Sprout Fight championship match.

Booby's family-a ketchup bottle named Sal and a photograph of a lawnmower-declined comment.

Capolo Builds Car

Jerk editor Capolo Henderson has built his own motor vehicle and named it the "Capolomobile." The 53-year old will now be responsible for driving Mildred Jenniwith to her Thursday evening calligraphy classes, as well as running over any stray Cruggs who may wander into the parking lot.

- Staff correspondent Steven Christensen

Lemoncottage On Board

The Jerk has made a shocking hire, what with the economic climate and the rate of toast crumbs-to-canaries at an all-time low, bringing on Stan "Poopy" Lemoncottage as Staff Bum. Lemoncottage worked at influential blogs such as Russo Stains and I Picked Frozengard's Nose, and was campaign director for Bog Piso in 1988.

Lemoncottage, 36, will also be in charge of recruiting Ernies for the upcoming War of Too Many Ernies, held August 9-11 at the fairgrounds.

Carpet sample, 41, declined comment.


- Correspondent T'Kwayshon Addelsby

Shermania/Mejito Need Softball Team

Click image for larger view.

Massimino Let Go

Rollie Massimino, Staff Idiot and Staff Basketball Coach, has been forcefully removed from his position here at The Jerk. While Massimino amassed a 4 - 912 record over roughly 7 seasons as Coach, it was believed he had the program heading in the right direction and the pundits were calling him "Rollie Massimino." However, Massimino got himself into deep doo-doo when he was found pleasuring himself in the 4th floor pantry while simultaneously eating a crouton sandwich.

Massimino (Fired)


Massimino will be remembered as a solid, portly man with a penchant for fried bumblebees and relaxing candlelight dinners with this partner Eddie the Antelope.

Clean-up has been initiated in the 4th floor pantry and all perishable items will be discarded.

- Trent "Bobcat" Bibswitch

Body Parts of Former Staff Member Found

CAPOLO FOREST - The body parts of former Hey Jerk staff member Vincent Wekish were found Tuesday in the northwest end of Capolo Forest, according to a pile of leaves with knowledge of the situation. Wekish was staff pipe cleaner from 1998-2009 before vanishing during a routine knee cap inspection. He was missing from November, 2009 until January, 2011 when he was assumed dead. The Wekish family-a doughnut (glazed) and a lawnmower named Terry-found new hope late last-month when police thought they had discovered Wekish singing alto in the Our Lady of the Dangling Big Toe choir, but today's findings confirm Wekish had been dead for months.

The body parts will be cremated and made into thick chili paste for the upcoming Jerk Chili Cook Off & Worm Auction, May 3-6 at Rainbow Fairgrounds.

Vanderells Stops By

Hannah Vanderells stopped by Hey Jerk headquarters Wednesday afternoon to say hello.

We'll have more information on this story as it becomes available.

Phopp Found

Stinky Phopp, a staff correspondent, finally made an appearance at Jerk headquarters Monday afternoon. The former mustard drinking contest champion made a mess in his shorts, took several envelopes from the supply closet and declared war on the sink in the 3rd floor restroom before running into the east woods.


Phopp

Phopp has corresponded on a number of breaking news stories in his short time at the Jerk, and is in the process of completing his first novel, Things I Found In Barry's Ear.

Saturday Cancellations

Racquetball: Drunville vs. Wonto's Deli, moved to Monday at 8:00 a.m.
PaulfieldFest: postponed due to sock riot
Save the Elbows fundraiser: December 17

Consultant Hired

The Hey Jerk team has hired a consultant, Carlos Consultant, to examine their 90% staff turnover rate.

Upon being hired by Hey Jerk, many previously outstanding applicants have fled, been fired immediately, or perished in unusual ways. Carlos will work hard to understand what's really going on.

"We're concerned that our high turnover rate is negatively affecting the quality of our blog," said correspondent Cal Naughton Jr. "It's gotten to the point where the majority of our posts are dedicated to sharing internal company matters with our readers."

Toothpaste Found on Local Toothbrush

Stay with the Jerk for more details.

Gedinger Arrives

Waltis Gedinger has arrived on earth, according to a mailbox with knowledge of the situation. No known photos of Gedinger had been acquired at press time, but the potato-9-year-old was seen late Wednesday insulting a parking meter.

Stay tuned to the Jerk for continuing coverage.

Breaking: Staff Scoombie Hired

Breaking news at Jerk HQ this hour: Robert Blompton has made another hire. Sam Scoombie, formerly Chuck Ugglesby, has been hired on as Staff Scoombie, effective immediately.

Scoombie


Blompton's Press Release:

"We here at the Jerk are lucky to have had the opportunity to interview Mr. Scoombie over the course of the last few minutes, as he is a man in demand at rival blogs. Thank goodness for us, he took our offer of no pay and no bathroom use and agreed to start October 24, 2016."

Until then, it is believed that Scoombie will stand outside the 5th floor restrooms and blow wind.

- JP Jones, Head Staff Correspondent