New Pock Hired

The Jerk has announced the hiring of Zez Pock as Staff Envelope. The blog had been searching for a new envelope since Maury Zopp was fired for misappropriation of tadpoles in January, 1992. Pock, the cousin of staff member Olin, will begin his tenure in May, 2011.


- Correspondent Nickafontazius Lem

One Pock Perishes, Another Is Hired

Grant "Silly-Shoes" Pock has been hired on as Staff Diarrhea Inspector, according to editor Oscar Rainbow. Rainbow released the following statement after the hire:

"While we were pleasantly surprised to see Olin Pock die, we felt the need for a Pock presence here at The Jerk. That, combined with the growing need for a diarrhea man, lead us to hire Silly-Shoes."

Pock


"I'm honored to have this gig, and I promise my fans that I'll hit .230 for the rest of the year," Pock said.

That was all Pock had to say upon hearing of his hire. Please join us in welcoming Silly-Shoes to the staff.

- Cheecho Q.

EDITORS NOTE: Post 500 in less than a year. Well done.

Pock Put out of His Misery

Olin Pock's life has ended, according to his cousin, Genquin, who took the 53-year old off pock-support.

"I ran in there, screaming, and pulled the plug on that ranch dressing-head," said Genquin. "After I pulled the plug, I stole the mashed potatoes and the bed pan, took off my clothes and ran into the parking lot, screaming."

Genquin expressed interest in the assistant to the Glenn position, Olin's former post, though his only experience is in fingernail sales.


- Staff correspondent Jineffria Hangy

Pock Update

Olin Pock: still on Pock-support

Pock Near-Death

Breaking news from headquarters as Glenn assistant Olin Pock is nearing death at the tender age of 116. According to Pock's lawyer Len Lauer, the former Lettuce Olympian swallowed an abundance of squirrel tails and was put on Pock-support Monday afternoon.

More updates/death singalongs to follow.


- Staff Pock correspondent Susan Rickeo

Back From the Dead - Robert Blompton

Bob Blompton, former staff employee who was killed for making too many hires by one of Rainbow's assassins - is back. This time around, he will go by Robert Blompton, and will take on the role of Staff Hirer.

Blompton

"I've come back from the dead to rectify the corruption that has ruled this blog since my departure, and I intend to do so through swift hires and smelly doos." That was the statement released through Blompton's first hire - Staff Blompton PR Manager Gevin Pock.

Pock

Gevin Pock Bio

Name: Gevinsly Walter Pock, Jr.

Relatives: Rory and Olin Pock

Poo: Yes

Education: Pock U. (Did not graduate)

Experience: Horse Stable Manager - February 7, 1933

Comments: Likes onions and salamander poo

Please join us in welcoming Blompton and Pock to the staff.

- Beau Fimmons

Glenn Makes Shocking Hire

Fat Neck Glenn, Staff Leader, has made a shocking hire, bringing on Olin Pock to be Assistant to the Glenn.

Pock


"There's just too much work to do for one leader around here, and I knew that Pock was available," said Glenn.

Pock, recently fired by rival blog Fonchonski.blogspot.com, has a long history of being horrifying looking, and of upper-decking staff toilets. Reaction from the staff was not positive.

"This guy is terrifying" said Fido Didier.

"I hate Pocks" said Plooble Fonchonski.

Regardless, Pock is now on staff as Assistant to the Leader. Please join us in welcoming Olin.

- Staff Olin Pock, Olin Pock

Finally, Jerk Hires a Staff Boxer

After minutes of searching, The Jerk has hired a Staff Boxer - Vump Qwoggman.

Qwoggman


While it is not known why the Jerk believed that a Staff Boxer was needed, Qwoggman did provide a bio upon his hire.

Name: Vumpson Oscar Qwoggman
DOB: 1876
Height: Unknown
Weight: 476 lbs.
Tattoo: Capolo, Left Arm
Spouse: Murray Rainbow
Fecal: Brown, Spotted
Education: Rainbow College of The Fecal Arts - Graduated with Doody - March, 1912
Comments: Career boxing record of 1-612; Only known victory was by FKO (Fecal Knock Out) over recently deceased Rutherford Crugg)

Please join the staff in welcoming Vump Qwoggman.

- Staff elephant Olin Pock

Olin Pock Hired as Staff Photographer, Promptly Killed

Olin Pock, brother of dead political candidate Rory Pock, was hired on as Staff Photographer earlier today, but unfortunately was immediately killed.

Pock (Dead)


Initial reports from the Rainbow camp have claimed responsibility for the slaying.

"We killed him, because he was horrifying ugly. It was a quick thing."

The case has now entered the court systems.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons