New cast list announced

The cast has been chosen for the upcoming Lyle Cheechern play "Pass The Salt: A Love Story":


Perry Rabbdoff as salt shaker
Ozzo-7 as the grains of salt of hope
Sasha Durly as herself
Peebop Stensen as rearview mirror/rearview mirror alter ego Paul Paulfield
Apple core as itself
Roscoe Nenna as Mel from Jersey
Pepper shaker as Judge Maxwell
Murray and Katherine Reynolds as lucky couple #6
Doc "Ear Pull" Salazar as himself
Hee-ho Shunk as telephone polls 6-through-14
Byron Zorma as the OPEN DOOR elevator button
Natalie Xomcheese as Pepano Vodka spokesgirl Paula Vantz
Kernop-9 as the evil grains of salt of sadness
Edwin San-Michael as Professor Abner Sanchules

and introducing....

Minuscule Marty as Carlton Salt


In theaters November 15!

Live Mule Draft - 1st round

The first round of the Hey Jerk Mule Draft took place Monday evening at Aubrey Sanchules Memorial Gymnasium.

First round analysis by Bobby Feathers - odd-numbered picks, and Capolo Henderson - even-numbered picks.


1 - Portland. Tiny Torkelson, Paulfield Technical Institute. Torkelson impressed scouts with his grass-eating (53 blades/minute) and by being able to hold his breath under mustard for a combine-record 17 minutes, 23 seconds.

2 - Ottawa. Phil Devito, LSU. Devito is a shocking pick here considering he graded out as a late 7th round pick at the combine. Likely trade bait for a team choosing in near future. Devito did once eat a raccoon whole while campaigning for mayor of Australia.

3 - Huntsberry. Illeeoh Olladiaye, no college. Huntsberry takes a gamble with the native of the Zuss Jungle as Olladiaye was a hippopotamus from 1989-2008 and only recently had a mule operation. Had his ears surgically removed and replaced with potato chips in January.

4 - Staten Island.  Boonsauce Wecky, Chinese Academy of Murder, Hong Kong. Staten Island goes "international" with their first round pick, plucking highly regarded Wecky out of China - literally. He was assaulted, gagged, and placed in a white van bound for America. No further updates.

5 - Sork Valley. P’Qwan Attley Jr., Queh College and Raisin Factory. Expansion Watersquirrels take the youngest player in the draft, Attley, a third-generation piece of sandpaper. Signability is an issue as agent, pecan, said Attley wouldn’t sign “for anything less than 13 grade school children’s drawings of tomatoes”. 

** DRAFT UPDATE **

No. 1 pick Tiny Torkelson has been traded from Portland to Herman Valley for a grocery bag of deceased fire ants.

Herman Valley general manager Twon Pepano: "With Torkelson on the roster we immediately become a contender for the 2013 Pencil Case, and I also just swallowed whole a pocket-size dictionary to win a $7 bet. It's a great day for the franchise."

6 - Horace. Bo-Bon Biffley, Northside Hospital. The Horaces make history by choosing an unborn fetus, as Margaret Biffley is due in mid-May. Nothing is known of upcoming son Bo-Bon, but it is believed that his father is a mule-man.

7 - British Columbia. Miles Lemmick, Pepano University. A surprise pick by the Skypencils, who were reportedly looking to forfeit the pick and have front office personnel share a bowl of owner Horace Grunfield’s wife Maureen’s beef stew. Instead, BC selects Lemmick, who on the final day of the combine bathed in gravel.

8 - Ottawa - Dan Devito, Actor. Ottawa makes their second awe-inspiring pick of the day, choosing famous actor Danny Devito with the 8th pick in the draft (acquired in the Howard Fimply trade with Russia - October 1998). Devito is believed to be seeking a ham sandwich signing bonus in addition to new "skidmark-free" underwear.

9 - Jasper County. Ewing Zeeble, Vweetley University. While at college Zeeble set national records, including most beard hair eaten (1.3 pounds) and purplest bruise (May 18, 2010).

10 - Kroger Food Industries - Stockton Poop, Poop Modeling School of the Arts. Poop is famous for having eaten 5 other mules simultaneously while singing the Canadian national anthem (August, 2003).

11 - Tallahassee. Ollie Moo-Zhwang, College of Liverwurst. Scout: “Carries enough pickle juice in his socks to make an impact right away, but if it comes down to late-game goldfish eating, will he be able to shake off the ’11 national title match loss when he put his fish, Juwon, in his ear?”

12 - Milwaukee. Melmo Mockamock, Hot Dog University. Hippo who originally decided to become an accountant but after years of debits and credits got into the Mule racket. Projected 4th line muler.

13 - San Antonio. Ross Oberman, Poog Cronin College Online. The Ceilingdragons take Oberman, who was last seen in June, 1987 propositioning with an oak tree for a ride to the airport. While at PGCO, Oberman spent a school-record 13 consecutive days living in a washing machine.

14 - Antarctica.  Darren Durly, Cleveland Hobo University. Draft stock slipped to late first round for one time "sure thing" No. 1 pick, as his diarrhea issues became a concern after the Detroit defecation incident 4 months "prior."

15 - Lewisville. Hakeem Ernack, Queh College and Raisin Factory. The second mule taken from Queh College, Ernack is expected to compete for one of Lewisville’s vacant leaf pointer positions. Had all 10 of his fingers surgically removed and replaced by green beans as a Christmas present to his former wife, pillow (December, 2006).

** DRAFT UPDATE **

According to multiple reports, No. 9 overall pick Ewing Zeeble was eaten by an elephant. Jasper County, who drafted Zeeble out of Vweetley University, will be compensated with two, eight-ounce cups of sand, as per the league's draft rules.

16 - San Antonio. Phil Devito, LSU (deceased). Since being picked an hour earlier at number 2 by the Ottawa Rattlers, Phil Devito had developed a needle drug habit and was found deceased at his stable in South Dakota. San Antonio, having recently lost their deceased team member Reginald Frompley, jumped on the opportunity to draft Devito and believe he can be a solid dead-line member for years to come.

Sanchules Grinded Into Sausage

Kurt Sanchules, longtime unnecessary Staff Kiwi, was grinded into a pile of spicy Sanchules Sausage early Monday morning, according to Pip Glenn, who performed the ancient ritual.

Sanchules (Dead)

Following the incident, Glenn released the following statement through his publicist, Rourk Quosherman:

"While the Glenn family is sad to see Mr. Sanchules have to go, we simply needed the sausage for a Sanchules Stew dish we are preparing for this weekend. To the Sanchules family: we are deeply appreciative for the sacrifice you have made for the well being of the Glenn family."

It is believed that Pip Glenn plans on preparing the Sanchules Stew with a garlic glove and bottle of Ragu Tomato Basil.

- Stinky Phopp

Bopoo Family Releases Statement

In response to Coolie Itch Martin eating former staff cabbage man Nedkey Bopoo, the Bopoo family released a statement through their lawyer, Nart Murphy.

"We are saddened by the loss of Nedkey, who never hurt a potato. Why did Martin have to snack on a man who was in the prime of his life and expecting twin salad forks with his common law wife, Gary? Whatever his motivation, we have taken the proper steps to ensure this travesty will not pass without retaliation, hiring Vonshai Sanchules as an investigator/Martin murderer. Mr. Sanchules will be notified at his cardboard box in the Piso Forest and the hunt will begin. Thank you."

Sanchules Strikes Again

Vonshai Sanchules has reportedly struck again, training a killer hippo to dispose of his uncle Ernger Sanchules in a bloody, thousand island dressing-induced attack, according to an accordion with knowledge of the situation. Vonshai, a recovering Paperclipaholic, offed four staff members, including longtime girlfriend Julio Buckleberger and then rid himself of his clothing and escaped into the woods earlier in the day. His latest incident involved pouring the dressing on Ernger and getting the hippo, Larry, to attack using the international symbol for hippos treating half-hippos as salads and attacking until death, which since 2008 has been a deep nose pick followed by a rubbing of the left ear lobe.

Vonshai is still wanted by Jerk police for the slayings as well "lighting on fire more than 11 urinal doors", said Awliss County police chief Mark Reesso.

Any information leading to the capture of Vonshai Sanchules, please call Eric.

Vonshai Sanchules Cleans House

Vonshai Sanchules, a little known Sanchules from the western Uruguagian islands, incited a riot at Jerk HQ today when he was not allowed access to the staff restroom. After being told to leave the premises by security, Sanchules fell into a violent rage, killing four staff members and running off into the woods nude.

Sanchules Wanted Photo




Mass Slaying (Berman, Buckleberger, Clinkman, Femmwoos)



Please join us in 4 seconds of mourning for our lost brethren, after which all employees are invited to meet for food and drinks and Harry's local watering hole.

Sanchules is now wanted in the woods surrounding HQ. If anyone has any information on how to locate this naked lunatic, please let us know.

- Staff Correspondent Cheecho Q.

Mass Hiring - A First For The Jerk

In a surprising move, Fat Neck Glenn has made the Jerk's first Mass Hiring. Mass Slayings have become the norm around blog HQ, but never a Mass Hire. That all changes, and it changes now.


Oboe Jones - Staff Orchestra


Teddy Pinecone - Staff Tree


Chung Fonway - Staff Dead Person/Staff Loser


Winnegar O'Schmallfoot - Staff Youngster


Eddie Quah - Staff Model


Please join us in welcoming these valuable new members to the staff of The Jerk on this momentous day in Jerk history!

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons-Sanchules

Gus Rainbow Makes Name, Kills Last Known Sanchules

In a heroic moment for The Jerk, the Rainbow clan, and all of humanity, Gus Rainbow killed off the last known Sanchules - Todd Sanchules. The method of slaying is unknown at this time, but initial inspection of the Sanchules body indicates that it involved a cleaver and some Murray Rainbow urine.

Sanchules (Dead)


Sanchules, after being hired on as Staff Court System Leader, did absolutely nothing in his months on staff. Keeping with Hey Jerk tradition, he sat around, rarely showed for work, and used the HQ toilets extensively. His most remembered act will be clogging the 3rd stall of the 4C lavatory with a recently killed Didier.

Sanchules will not be remembered, and no funeral will be planned. His remains will be served in the cafeteria on Thursday during regular lunch hours.

- Beau Fimmons-Sanchules

Vonshai Sanchules Live Blog

1:14 p.m. - Loses eyes in a watermelon fight

1:16 p.m. - Marries a dandelion, Martha

1:19 p.m. - Casted as the lead in the upcoming Thinway production of A Sanchules Divided

1:21 p.m. - While rehearsing lines, falls into a pool of ketchup

1:22 p.m. - Eats his way out of ketchup pool

1:25 p.m. - Divorces Martha

1:28 p.m. - Custody battle begins over the former couple's son, Toaster

1:30 p.m. - Kidnapped

1:36 p.m. - Kidnapper revealed as Vonshai's mother-in-law, Lemma



3:11 p.m. - Vonshai returned; missing five toe nails

3:14 p.m. - Eats entire tub of mayonnaise

3:18 p.m. - Befriends a mailbox flag

3:27 p.m. - Enters into 2010 Poo Fling

3:30 p.m. - Disqualified from Poo Fling after a video tape surfaces of a 1997 No Wipe

3:34 p.m. - Vonshai overdoses on Chuck Frozengard bobblehead dolls; dies

Sanchules Hired

Kurt Sanchules
Hired as: Staff Kiwi (effective May, 2013)

Jesper Rainbow Picks VP, Enters Race

Sanchules Gets Earring; Holmschmitt Says Hi

Sanchules (New Earring)

Holmschmitt


"Hi."

More to come from Holmschmitt, who is under consideration for the Staff Aschermann position.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

First Staff Suicide: Brenstin Sanchules

In a shocking first here at The Jerk, Brenstin Sanchules was found dead today in his cardboard box under Lima Bean Street NE. He was hanging from the top of the bridge by a tied together string of Didiers.

Sanchules (Dead)




Please join the staff of The Jerk in wishing Brenstin to rot in hell.

On a happier note, The Jerk would like to announce the hire of long time Fimply-hater Todd Sanchules. Sanchules is taking on the long coveted role Staff Court System Leader.

"Its an honor to be hired for this position. My first course of action will be to take Fat Neck Glenn head on."

What Sanchules meant by this is unknown, but what is known is that he may be the best looking hire we have made here at The Jerk in some time.


Todd Sanchules

Word around the gorilla is that Sanchules is going to take this war to Glenn. Tune in for exclusive updates at The Jerk.

- Staff Correspondent J.P. Poppadopolis

Ernger Sanchules, Hippo Enthusiast, Dead; Son Born

Ernger Sanchules, long time Staff Gorilla, was found eaten this morning by a hippo that he had apparently mated with in the wee hours of the morning.

Sanchules / Hippo Mating Photo (Taken at Sanchules Mansion)



It is believed that after the act of passion between man and hippo was completed, Sanchules was subsequently eaten by his mate, Ted.

We here at the Jerk were extremely saddened by this, until we learned of a baby concieved and birthed as the result of this "match made with a hippo." At 4:33 PM EST today, Ernger Jr., named after his late father, was born.

Ernger Jr.


Rather than sticking with the family business of Gorilla-ing, Ernger Jr. has decided to fill another necessary role here at the blog, Staff Giraffe.

" I was born for this." said Ernger Jr.

Please join us in mourning Ernger Sanchules Sr. and welcoming his son, Ernger Jr.

- Staff Correspondent Beauregard Fimmons

Another Sanchules Found Dead

Qwern Sanchules, brother of Ernger and cousin of Brenstin and Adonde, was found dead Wednesday afternoon of an apparent Queh overdose.

Sanchules was one of the top candidates to replace Brooble Fonchonski when the current Staff Luminary is murdered/eaten by giraffe later this week.

Help us Re-Name the Site

Vote on poll at top right of front page and help us give Hey Jerk, Get off my Lawn a new name

Your choices:

1. Stay with "Fonchonskiland!"
2. "Celery Baker"
3. "Ernie Venable Memoirs"
4. "Sanchules Illustrated"
5. "Wombat Franklin"
6. "Excuse me, idiot, would you mind leaving my front lawn in a timely manner?"

Sanchules Hired

Brenstin Sanchules has been hired as staff trap door lookout, according to a walrus familiar with the situation.

Sanchules is the younger brother of recently-deceased former staff gorilla, Ernger, and cousin of former staff doctor Adonde Sanchules.

Massacre at Headquarters

Sad news as six staff members and a passing vagrant were assassinated in front of the Hey Jerk headquarters building, late Monday.

The following perished and were denied burial/funeral under the state's No Avocado Law:

* Staff dentist, Jerry Jerry
* Cereal man, Varook Didier
* Staff correspondent, Larry
* Staff gorilla, Ernger Sanchules
* Assistant hobo, Erk Verner
* Hippo man, Squib Cotillion


No word yet on how the six were killed, though an investigation is expected to begin sometime before the Qwumbian New Year (May, 2015).


Non-employee killed: Gary Bannister

More McCaffertys Dead; New Staff Tyrant Appointed, Vows Revenge

In breaking and shocking news, newly born Milliliter McCafferty has been found dead, along with his great, great uncle Don McCafferty, in a trashcan outside of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Initial reports indicate a possible murder-suicide scenario. Below are the last known photos of the men.

Milliliter McCafferty

Don McCafferty

This marks the fourth McCafferty death here at The Jerk in just under 3 weeks, something new Staff Tyrant Nedford Flumpton vows will not continue.

"Things are going to change around here under my rule. Change unlike anything that has been seen since the Ernger Sanchules reign of aught '10."

This is believed to be the last of the McCafferty's remaining alive. Several Qqumbans have scheduled a Staff Parade to celebrate. Time and date TBA.

More information on the McCafferty deaths to come. No funeral is scheduled.

In seperate news, Nedford Flumpton has taken over as Staff Tyrant, replacing the largely unsuccessful reign of Buck Crugg-Fonchonski, who has been retained as Staff Soft Boiled Egg.

- Staff Correspondent Shonsen Pepano, Jr.

Not Pictured - Tronzo Guomp

Staff Dictator Sanchules Resigns, New Staff King Appointed

Staff Dictator Ernger Sanchules has resigned effective immediately, but has agreed to stay on staff as Staff Gorilla. "Had enough of this place - all you got here are a bunch of staff members who don't really exist and do nothing."

In his place, the once MIA and now known to be the last Crugg - Buck Crugg - has accepted the role of Staff King.

"I'm going to change things around here. "

That's all Cruggs camp had for now - more to come later.

Crugg


- Former Staff Dictator Ernger Sanchules